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Audio autopsy

Audio Autopsy - April 2008

01/04/08  ||  Global Domination

Disfear: Live the storm Disfear: Live the storm

7/10

Lord K: Aggression, rage, piss, vinegar, gasoline, insanity, battery and nut-kicks = Disfear. It’s just a shame that crust isn’t my biggest pleasure, coz this is actually some fine shit. 7

Desolator: This one took a while for me to get into, but I kinda dig the crustish (?) and punk sound of this band. The riffs aren’t entirely my cup of tea but the sound is somewhat nice most of the time. This sounds a lot like the bands I saw live that night with Davedeath. And no, I don’t really have anything funny or even degrading to say here. 7

Hanging Limbs: Kurt Ballou of Converge has done wonders here. This is one of the more enjoyable post-ATG offerings from Lindberg. It may be one-dimensional, but that’s part of its charm. The style doesn’t get much catchier than this. 7

Stephen Fallen: GOD FUCK THIS ROCKS FUCK YEAH FUCK FUCK FUCK. 8

Abyss: D-beaters Disfear have managed to trim off most of the anonymity that plagued “Misanthropic generation” and gives me hope that the band might some day deliver the heaps of potential awesomeness they have laying dormant in them. “Live the storm” defiantly is a step in the right direction. 7

Seker: Disfear are probably the only (relatively new) hardcore band that I listen to. Of course, that’s not saying much, as hardcore pretty much sucks nowadays. But Disfear’s newest assault makes for a good appetizer to an album like “Hear Nothing See Nothing Say Nothing”. 6

Hate Eternal: Fury and flames Hate Eternal: Fury and flames

5.7/10

Lord K: I remember that Hate Eternal impressed me quite a bit the first time I heard them some years ago. How far can you take complicated, blasting and non-groovy death metal? Probably this far, and then you are at the end of the bus ride. Yeah, it’s impressive and everything, I’ll give them that, but I just can’t do with this kind of death metal for a very long time. In the end it’s just a wall of noise and flashy playing with no-to-little heart. 6

Desolator: I really dig what I heard from “Conquering The Throne” and “King Of All Kings”. The album cover is somewhat cartoonish, but since when is that a bad thing? Fuck, this music is amazing! Erik Rutan, thank you for another excellent dish of death metal. A lot of people didn’t seem to like this new output, but I sure do. Definitely the best in this edition for me. 8

Hanging Limbs: This is like that giant shit you take the day after Christmas dinner: heavy and brutal, but ultimately forgettable. 5

Stephen Fallen: Hate Eternal. Relentless. Brutal. Death metal. Zzzzzzz. Sentence fragment extravaganza. Rejoice. 5

Abyss: Eric Rutan’s insanely brutal and technical take on death metal has always felt like watching someone break bricks with their forehead; it’s impressive as hell but I get a headache by proxy. To be fair, “Fury and flames” is the most memorable of Hate Eternal’s discography, but I still miss those really fist-pumping songs. 6

Seker: I already gave this album “more time than it deserved”:http://www.globaldomination.se/reviews/hate-eternal-fury-and-flames, so I’ll just leave you with this message: go on eBay, buy Ripping Corpse’s “Dreaming with the Dead”, and pretend that Erik was on the same side of the bus as Cliff Burton. 4

Cavalera Conspiracy: Inflikted Cavalera Conspiracy: Inflikted

5.3/10

Lord K: Never did I believe that this would be anything close to decent, but the album at hand is a proof that the brothers need to work together to actually be able to compose something that sounds ok. Fuck knows that the crap they have done individually over the years is something we must ignore. I’m surprised, but in the end this disc wears out faster than one would hope for. Still, a positive surprise. 6

Desolator: I’ll confess, I never really heard Soulfly, but I can respect a lot of moments on this album. Not my cup of tea, but there are some killer tunes here and there. Damn it, nothing in this album inspires me to try and come up with something funny! Couldn’t there have been a fuck up somewhere!? 6

Hanging Limbs: There must be a conspiracy involved if people are still buying music made by these two idiots. At least it trounces anything by Soulfly or recent Sepultura. 5

Stephen Fallen: The Calavera Conspiracy is to Sepultura what Hotel Mario was to Super Mario Bros. God it’s late and that doesn’t make any fucking sense. Let me tell it straight: This album is groove metal garbage. 3

Abyss: I wouldn’t say this is quite a return to form, but fuck knows it’s oceans above anything Soulfly or post-Max Sepultura have ever created. In songs like “Inflikted” and “Ultra-violent” the Cavalera bros sound almost hungry again. Good stuff. 6

Seker: The DUN DUN DUN intro had me a bit worried, but the actual meat of this record (the riffs) is pretty tasty. The sound is a bit modern, but the songs are more like the lost Sepultura album that came out between “Arise” and “Chaos A.D”. Soulfly jumped da fuck up, but this one thrashes da fuck out! Also, my sensors are detecting a bit of Rage Against the Machine within the groovy morass, and I can’t decide if that’s a good or a bad thing. 6

Mercenary: Architect of lies Mercenary: Architect of lies

5.2/10

Lord K: You know we have one of the weakest editions in the history of AA when a band like Mercenary stands out as one of the better acts. I might not have appreciated their pretentious take on metal with their “11 dreams” album, but this is certainly alot better. I like the Sanctuary vibes I get from some of the stuff, but why is it that the bigger part of today’s bands are lacking a fucken pair of balls? 7

Desolator: Lies this, lies that… The word “lies” is just about every-fucken-where in metal. Just like a cheeseburger related joke, it was fine the first hundred times. But now it’s just becoming an annoying cliché, along with the overuse of words like “hypocrisy”. When I listened to this it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but this completely flew through one ear and out the other. But not without inflicting severe annoyances unto my membranes. 4

Hanging Limbs: The Mercenary thing worked for me on the last couple of albums, but this one just annoys me. There’s no doubting this band’s smooth, progressive songwriting, but they need to focus on the heavy. Their Gothenburg influence is too often offset by lame power metal. 6

Stephen Fallen: I think I’ll pass on this one. 5

Abyss: Just meh… 5

Seker: Moderately catchy, moderately listenable, moderately tolerable, hugely boring. Gothenburg meets power metal, oh boy! 4

Zimmers Hole: When you were shouting at the devil... Zimmers Hole: When you were shouting at the devil…

4.5/10

Lord K: At least they are having a good time and the album title is funny. But in the end I don’t want my metal to be funny. 5

Desolator: A good sense of humour is a double plus. The music ain’t bad either and some of the vocals are pretty cool. You may find “Devil’s Mouth” to be a bit rude, but oh well. 6

Hanging Limbs: I used to date a girl named Zimmer and her hole was deeper, darker, and scarier than this. 4

Stephen Fallen: To Strapping Young Lad fans hoping ZH is a worthy heir: this is basically 11 variations on “Far Beyond Metal”. Parody is a grand thing when done correctly, but ZH doesn’t quite get it right. For instance, the first song “When You Were Shouting at the Devil… We Were in League with Satan” mocks glam rock. That’s fine, but glam rock hasn’t been topical since 1991 and most of those pretty boys are now embarrassing themselves on VH-1 reality shows. The rest of the humor is mostly “dick dick hur hur”. It’s stupid fun, but it wears thin after a while. The music is decent (Jed Simon, Byron Stroud and Gene muthafucking Hoglan are proven vets from Strapping Young Lad), but it just doesn’t work. 6

Abyss: I don’t think Zimmers Hole will ever be anything more than Devin Townsend’s backup band to me. Chops and skills are there, but not that certain “special”. 4

Seker: Seriously, you guys, these guys are almost as funny as Metalocalypse LOLOLOL! Also, I like dicks! In my anal hole! 2

Draconian: Turning season within Draconian: Turning season within

4.3/10

Lord K: I should dig this. I mean, there’s like chick vocals and shit in it. It also has some ok growls. I should really dig this crap. But I don’t. It’s becoz of a few reasons, the biggest one being that there’s no balls whatsoever in what Draconian’s doing. They got some decent riffs here and there, but as a whole it just doesn’t capture me by the cunt. Their semi-doom with fucken acoustic guitars and whatnot is decent though. At best. The 500 voice-overs in each and every song are not. I have the fucken album in front of me, I KNOW I’M LISTENING TO DRACONIAN! Both the voice-over whore and the band themselves give me the feeling that they are all overdoing shit without actually accomplishing much. 5

Desolator: What I taste and smell here is some melodic meat. And what’s this? Female vocals as well as growls? This should take Lord K’s fancy, hehe. Now, this ain’t a bad album, but it gets a little boring at times. The outro was totally unnecessary too. 5

Hanging Limbs: Gothic chick metal for those without penis and those who desire one. It has that “boring as fuck” potential, but at the same time is really well done. 5

Stephen Fallen: A Metal Archive review headline states that “progrress is key” for this latest Draconian release. Draconian fans spell progress with two r’s, which sums up my feelings on this album just fine. Avoid Draconian and their fans at all cost, because whatever debilitating metal disorder they have might be contagious. (PS. Yes, I realize that making fun of someone else’s spelling means my contributions to AA will, ironically, be rife with typos. I don’t give a fuck.) 3

Abyss: Sweden’s very own My Dying Bride continue in the same tracks, ignoring things like originality in favour of reinventing the wheel. Though I can’t be too miffed since “Turning seasons within” sound well enough put together despite its problems in the plagierism-zone. The male growls are beefy as hell and I’d love to hear Jacobsson in a more death metal oriented environment someday. As it is, Draconian sound ok, but they ain’t no MDB. 6

Seker: Oh, great, some band with a chick in it. Quit your warbling and get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich! And take your piss-poor modern production and boring riffs with you! Fuck, this month sucks… 2

Steel Attack: Carpe DiEnd Steel Attack: Carpe DiEnd

4.2/10

Lord K: So, I should dig Draconian, but don’t. Steel Attack is a band I should loathe, but for some reason I can’t. Their take on heavy metal is too strong. They have enough catchy riffs and hooks to avoid being completely bashed into oblivion. Steel Attack do their thing alot better than most other bands in this genre and I like it. And don’t you dare to call this power metal. 7

Desolator: That album name is so fucken LAME! Anyway… I wanted to tell this band to get back in the kitchen and get me some pie, but it seems like there is a bit of pie here already. This ain’t an über spectacular album, but it has some pretty cool moments. 6

Hanging Limbs:Seize the penis. 4

Stephen Fallen: It doesn’t matter how much pitch shifting, auto-tuning and vocal layering you use, bad singing is bad singing. This power metal isn’t great to begin with and those vocals make it torturous. 2

Abyss: Wow, I was starting to wonder where the cheese-metal was in this month’s AA, and right on the money Steel Attack rides in on a white unicorn with pink roses in their armor. Now if I could only have them leave the stage again… 3

Seker: Bad downtuned guitars, a bad Dio impersonation, a bad band name, and an even worse album name. Korn meets power metal, oh boy! 3

Jon Oliva's Pain: Global warning Jon Oliva’s Pain: Global warning

4/10

Lord K: How many “my pain is greater than Jon’s” jokes will we get here? Every single one is deserved though. Muthafucken SHIT this is one huge bucket of excrements. Just put on “O to G” if you ever feel like throwing up. This Jon Oliva dude suck it at scales unknown to man. Die, die, die, die, die. 2.

Desolator: Jon Oliva’s pain is my pain too. Did he get stung by a bee recently? Cos that’s what happened to me recently. I’m thinking of starting a band called Desolator’s Pain where I only write songs about bee stings. Some parts of this album are interesting, but there’s nothing memorable about it. 5

Hanging Limbs: Another order of cheeseburger metal from the biggest man in music. 7

Stephen Fallen: There are a lot of bad lyrics in metal, but sometimes a line just jumps out at you and begs to be quoted. A line like, say, “Together we all will be, to live out eternity… as fireflies. Yeah, yeah, yeah”. I think it’s cute when someone reverses proper sentence structure to sound poetic. It’s a very specific kind of cute, kinda like when your puppy poops on the carpet and then brings you the turd. 3

Abyss: Theatrical and bordering on Meatloaf-esque cheese, but with Jon Olivia’s awesome voice (though not what it used to be) in the front I can’t help but dig this. 6

Seker: Who the fuck is Jon Oliva? Some power metal asshole that should be strapped to the same Hades Gamma cluster-bound rocket as Al Gore, that’s who! 1

Burning Skies: Greed. Filth. Abuse. Corruption Burning Skies: Greed. Filth. Abuse. Corruption

3.7/10

Lord K: After 2 seconds I thought “damn, this was definitely alot more metal than I thought it would be”. After 2 songs I thought “damn, these guys really know how to fucken suck big-time”. After the complete album I thought “fuck this annoying bullshit with irritating vocals, shitty riffs, chaotic song structures and overall pissy approach”. Then I fucken threw the promo in the bin. Thank you and fuck off. 3

Desolator: Apparently this is deathcore. By the sound of that word, this should be as lame as an emo kid with no legs or arms. In fact, it’s not. There are many excellent riffs and the sound is pretty massive, even though there’s also the odd annoyance and occasionally pretentious vocals. Not to mention the shouted chants should warrant a slap in the face for these guys. 6

Hanging Limbs: Surprise surprise, a bunch of hardcore kids jumping on the metal bandwagon. These guys belong on a leper colony with Suicide Silence. 3

Stephen Fallen: This is decent grindcore with a little death metal slow-down stuff. It’s not great, but at least it’s short, which is worth one bonus point in AA land. 6

Abyss: Metalcore by the numbers. In this case all the numbers add up to… not very much. 2

Seker: Hmm… look at the title, observe the average hair length… is it any surprise that these Brits play deathcore? The vocals are good for a laugh, but it’s really all just breakdowns and boring atonal riffs that don’t go anywhere apart from the first three frets on the lowest two strings. Monotony. Unoriginality. AIDS. Herpes 2

Children Of Bodom: Blooddrunk Children Of Bodom: Blooddrunk

3.7/10

Lord K: A-league actor Dolph Lundgren once said: “When my ass turns into a cactus, Children Of Bodom will rule the world”. Dolph’s ass is still nothing remotely close to a cactus and COB’s Disney-metal with hideous orchestra hits is still just decent. 5

Desolator: I haven’t heard this band yet for some reason, but oh well. I respect Alex Laiho’s guitar skills, but “Blooddrunk” is way too technical and too boring for my taste, and the cheesy keyboards aren’t necessary at all. Alex played on Impaled Nazarene’s “Nihil”, but on this album he doesn’t do it for me, no matter how much of a good guitarist he is. Getting drunk from blood is fun, as long as the blood has beer in it. Unfortunately, this album did not come with a beer. I hope CoB’s older work is better than this. 3

Hanging Limbs: Did you hear they caught the Lake Bodom murderer this week? When asked if he had anything to say, he apologized to the victims, their families, and Finland for having anything to do with the creation of this 6

Stephen Fallen: CoB is one of those big-ish name bands that I’ve successfully avoided for seven years. Now, it’s in AA and I’m forced to meet the band head on. “Blooddrunk” is everything I expected: fucking awful. I think it’s time for the world leaders to get together and institute a death penalty for bands that have shitty keyboards. That poor instrument has been abused enough. 3

Abyss: Will the wankery never cease? Six albums in and CoB are still as annoying as they were back in 1997. Quite an accomplishment if you like handing out awards to shitty bands. I don’t. 3

Seker: I don’t care what you guys say. That Alexi chick is pretty hot… oh, wait, that’s a man! 2

Exciter: Thrash, speed, burn Exciter: Thrash, speed, burn

3.5/10

Lord K: But Jesus Fucken Christ in a pair of moonboots, who thought it would be a fucken terrific idea to let Exciter release yet another album? What Exciter deliver is fucken poorer than Rwanda. This is seriously so up the Alley of Suck I don’t think they could go much further even if they called a fucken cab. They can’t get a 1 though since “bands” like Xasthur are still around. 2

Desolator: Judging by the moniker, this sounds like a happy and chirpy band with beer bottles and hookers dropping from their vaginas. It is happyish, but I didn’t find any beer or hookers. Fuck. “Thrash Speed Burn” offers a decent thrashing, but it’s nothing to go crazy over. 6

Hanging Limbs: With nothing remotely exciting about their music, I can only assume they are big Judas Priest fans. This stuff is gayer than a mouthful of dicks in Rob Halford’s ass. 2

Stephen Fallen: Hey Exciter, it’s not 1984 – so fuck off. No one wants to hear this shit anymore and if they did, they’d just dig out their old LP’s and listen to speed metal that was actually, you know, exciting. 3

Abyss: Thrash like it’s 1984 again. Or not, Exciter don’t care, they’ll proudly stick to their guns. While I find it charming on an intellectual level I can’t really recommend this to anyone. 4

Seker: Exciter want everyone to stand by for them, but I say we let their sub-par speed metal salvation pass and listen to some Maiden instead. If you didn’t get that joke, you should have your metal license revoked. 4

Death Angel: Killing season Death Angel: Killing season

3.5/10

Lord K: Fantastically weak production with some fantastically weak tunes from a band that was always fantastically weak. Nope, not even “The Ultra-Penis” was good, and you know this. Death Angel still fucken blow tremendously. And someone, please tell that fucken guy in some of the promoshots that he needs a bigger “The Ultimate Fighter” shirt. 2

Desolator: This would be suitable for a killing season, since it’ll bore your victims to death. This album has some decent riffs but I just can’t get into it as a whole. 4

Hanging Limbs: What’s the difference between a Death Angel cd and my penis? I’d never throw my penis out the window of a moving car. 4

Stephen Fallen: Death Angel is back and they’re trying to make a mockery of their past by releasing some shitty new material. Unfortunately, this album is not bad enough to negate “The Ultra-Violence”, but it’s a good first try. 4

Abyss: An old band I’ve never cared about. Seems like it will stay that way. 4

Seker: Just go listen to old Death Angel instead. Better yet, go listen to Dark Angel and forget that this sub-sub-second-string act ever existed. Thrash metal? More like TRASH metal, hahahahahahaha! 3

Crematory: Pray Crematory: Pray

3.3/10

Lord K: I remember Stockholm’s Crematory. They had balls. The downright, fiasco-like goth-disaster that is this Crematory can go fuck itself. 3

Desolator: This has some interesting moments but also some really cheesy moments. “Just Words” is a beautiful track that kinda moves me, but the rest doesn’t really appeal to me much. I’m sure it would be great to listen to when you’re drunk on your bed though. 5

Hanging Limbs: There’s nothing that stands out here either good or bad. This is exactly what I’ve come to expect from Coldstone Crematory. I just wish it had more personality. 5

Stephen Fallen: Oh shit you guys, it’s vampire metal. So sad, so slow, so fucking shitty. I’d like to propose another international ban, this one on any sample of falling rain. Yeah, I know rain is depressing and gloomy and the only way to convey the darkness that lurks in your heart, but it’s time to put that shit to bed, son. 3

Abyss: Weak “atmospheric” make-out metal with barely recognizable hooks and choruses. Sometimes there’s flashes of tolerable stuff, but mostly it’s just a boggy marsh of shite. 2

Seker: I thought that this was gonna be the old Swedish Crematory making a comeback (hopefully with a better guitar sound this time around, eh?), but instead I got a big steaming pile of goth herpes. Yes, that would be herpes sores coalesced into a pile. It’s that shitty. 2

Wykked Wytch: Memories of a dying whore Wykked Wytch: Memories of a dying whore

3/10

Lord K: This is a band I will never take seriously thanx to their name. It’s a shame coz their half black metal isn’t too awful. But that vocalist chick… Icepick, or whatever her name is… Man… Someone give her a mirror. A large one. I don’t know what’s more irritating, her voice or her looks. Fuck knows they are both horrible. 4

Desolator: I’m very interested to see how the rest of the Alcoholics Anonymous crew (you know I love you guys) have responded to this. If you read the review I did of these fuckers, you’ll find that I found their album to be fairly decent, and probably overrated it. It has its moments, but it’s nothing special. In fact, I’ve forgotten quite a lot about it and I’ve lost interest. I also found that ever since I reviewed “Memories Of A Dying Cocksucker”, they haven’t changed their shit name so I’m subtracting a couple of points for that. Finally, check out their photos if you need a good laugh. Believe me, I will bring up the fucken photos whenever this band is mentioned around my vicinity. 4

Hanging Limbs: Reviewing this is like kissing your grandmother: you really don’t want to do it, but you know you have to. 3

Stephen Fallen: Oh, dude this album is so Wykked! I wish I was a Wytch! I Lyke the lettyr Y sy mykh Y’ll jysk skyrt ysyng yk yvyrywhyry! 3

Abyss: If you’ve always wanted to hear Shagrath sing while taking a dump – Wykked Wytch is the band for you! If not, I urge you to avoid them like the fucking plague they are. 2

Seker: The world’s first tranny-fronted goth metal band? Possibly. The world’s first listenable tranny-fronted goth metal band? Nein! 2

Ill Niño: Enigma Ill Niño: Enigma

2.5/10

Lord K: There’s quite a few bands here in this AA who should join troops and form a team for the Olympics Of Urine. Ill Niño need not worry to be the worst of the bunch, but they shouldn’t count on getting any gold medals either. Ill Niño want to be Linkin Park but have no fucken idea as for how to do it, therefore they end up with some generic half-metal that makes me wanna rip out the cd and throw it out the balcony. The American scene is an abomination for most parts. 3.

Desolator: Not as painful as I thought it would be. This is not something I normally listen to, but I like a few of the songs here. 5

Hanging Limbs: Shakira metal. 3

Stephen Fallen: This album was included in this month’s AA specifically so we could make fun it, but I can’t. It’s too terrible. Everyone on Earth knows that Ill Niño sucks, nothing new there. 1

Abyss: Ethno-tinged nu-metal. It should be extinct by now, but as usual bands like Ill Nino refuse to face the harsh truth, so there’s no use me spelling it out again, is there? Ok, one more try: Fuck off. 1

Seker: THEY TOOK OUR JEEEARRBS!!! 2