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Global Domination | Audio Autopsy | Audio Autopsy - April 2009

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Audio autopsy

Audio Autopsy - April 2009

01/04/09  ||  Global Domination

Leif Edling: Songs of torment, songs of joy Leif Edling: Songs of torment, songs of joy


Lord K: Leif Edling… The man, the myth, the legend, the concept, the idol, the bassist, the ballerina, the biscuit, the dude, the king… I could go on forever. I love Leif. Just listen to the eh… “song” called “Butterfly”. Only a genius/complete retard would come up with something like that. And we all know that Leif is nothing but a sheer genius. I don’t know what this album actually serves as far as purpose goes… Whispering fx’d-as-fuck vocals (courtesy of Leif himself, which explains the effects put on them if you ever heard Leif do vocals before) on top of, you guessed it, (weird) doom metal… Sounds interesting? I don’t know. I love Leif for what he’s done over the years, but the fact is that he’s been handing out jewels and manure on a steady basis, never really being able to capture the days of old except for some glimpses here and there. This album lands somewhere in the middle. It’s nothing I’m likely to put on too often, but it has its moments. It’s pretty much what I expected, only the vocals are more irritating than I thought they would be. But Leif is still Leif… You gotta love the fucken guy. He’s like 400 years old and still delivers the doom. Recommended tune: “Well of souls”. No, it’s not on this album. 4

Kampfar: Hmm, I obviously need to give Candlemass another go. 8

The Duff: I’m in the earliest stages of trying to understand the adoration for classic Candlemass, so I can compare this with what the man’s most well known for about as successfully as I can get over his haircut in the “Epicus…” booklet; I’m guessing if anyone has the right to title an album “Songs of Torment”, it’s Leif. If this is the kind of music Candlemass fans are complaining about with the band’s current incarnation, then I’m surprised, ‘cos this is some good music – more black metal and soundscape-driven than I’m accustomed to with the man’s work, some of the sparser moments offer little, but the doom riffs are real solid. 7

Abyss: You can certainly tell that the Candlemass mastermind is behind this album, the riffs and ideas are distinctly Leif, but the vocals are obviously less… sung, and more spoken. Quite effectively spoken though, I like it and while some lyrics are bordering “Born in a tank”-silly (“Angelic til I die”) others are pretty cool (“Nautilus”, “On the edge of time”). All in all this is a solid release with some really nice touches that I wouldn’t mind seeing in Candlemass. 8

Seker: Leif has three bands going right now, and they’re all doom metal. That’s okay though, because they all are slightly different varieties of doom metal: Krux is brutal smashing sledgehammer doom, Candlemass is epic and medieval, and his solo project right here reminds me of old gothic horror movies: lots of organs, gloom, doom, and depression, but with an ever-so-subtle sense of humor that manages to keep the whole thing going. Bela Lugosi would have enjoyed rocking out to this. 7

Trepalium: XIII Trepalium: XIII


Lord K: There we go, finally something more interesting to listen to after having to go thru sperm drinkers such as Tardy Brothers and Dark Moor (both to be found way down in this edition if there’s any justice in this world). Usually it’s easy to make fun of the French and their silly language, berets and frog eating, but Trepalium wants no part of that. Incredibly well-executed and well-produced metal that incorporates both blasts, slower passages, melody and groove. Not as fucked up and atmospheric as country mates Gojira but also not completely different (listen to “Glowing clouds” for example, both the title and tune resembles something Gojira could have created). Trepalium are doing fine standing on their own (frog)legs, creating some mighty fine (beret)metal that I approve of, even if they happen to come from the Country Of Chicks With Armpits Unshaved. Recommended tune: “Inner hell”. Tell me that doesn’t sound like Gojira and I’ll slit your throat. 8

Kampfar: I’ve been a fan of this French ensemble ever since I first heard their tech death with a healthy portion of boogey added. It made me feel like dancing, shake my ass even, but since then they have matured and grown a bit more serious, “XIII” no doubt a less playful affair than I expected. Then again, it kicks ass, that in the name of Anata. I like very much, but not sure if I utterly dig. 8

The Duff: There’s no question these guys know what they’re doing. Fuck, there’s some great metal on this album – can’t believe I haven’t heard of these guys before. A sweet blend of technical/jazzy death and groovin’, there’s very little I don’t enjoy on “XIII”. 8

Abyss: Death metal, quite French death at that. Like most French bands now a days the minimal level of quality of Trepalium is still higher then most other bands from countries that eat snails (that would b New Guinea and Australia I guess) but compared to Gojira, Gorod and Carcariass – Trepalium falls short. 5

Seker: What the hell? Did I just play that Burning album again by mistake? Nope, but you sure as hell wouldn’t be able to tell if you listened to both of them in a row. Everything that is wrong with modern death metal is encapsulated by this record. 3

General Surgery: Corpus In Extremis - Analysing Necrocriticism General Surgery: Corpus In Extremis – Analysing Necrocriticism


Lord K: With the most brutal guitar sound in this edition, General Surgery (I love that fucken moniker) make sure to keep themselves high in the rankings of good death/grind bands from Sweden. I hear these guys being called Carcass rip-off’s all the time, and maybe it’s been true at some point, but I just don’t hear it that much on this new piece. It sounds old-school Swedish death fucken metal with nice grind parts and aggression. Brutal and competent – just the way I like it. Yep, this is some good shit. Recommended tune: It’s not like General Surgery’s got any hits or anything, they are consistent and you can pick anything off this album – it all sounds the same, and I mean that as a good thing in this case. 7

Kampfar: Specific Surgery is not half as gory as their moniker suggests, not even a third, for what I hear is old school death in companion with semi-brutal grind. I like. 7

The Duff: Awesome, fucken awesome. Classic Carcass/Entombed followers. Not sure what the shelf-life of something like this is, but I started digging it from the get-go, so it’s a no bullshit affair filled with quality, not-at-all original riffing. 6

Abyss: Except for the brilliant title (“Left hand pathology”) the surgeon generals disappointed me with their debut album. A classic case of the demos sounding better actually. This time around there’s a new singer (who sounds great by the way) and a lot more thinking gone into the riffs and structures of the songs, leaving us with a really really nice platter of assorted guts and limbs to feast on. if you like your Carcass rare, General Surgery is the way to go. *8

Seker: They have a song called “Necronomics”. That is just ZANY! And maybe even WACKY! But you should probably just listen to Carcass instead since they have better puns and came up with every trick in the book that General Surgery has been reading. 4

Hatesphere: To the nines Hatesphere: To the nines


Lord K: Denmark’s finest thrashers are back and I am curious as for how they will manage with like 90% of the band members being replaced for this release. The answer? Oh boy, they do more than ok, to say the least. It’s a mystery that Hatesphere’s not more widely recognized coz over the years they have been churning out ace thrash metal with tons of groove and balls. Hatesphere is most often what The Haunted are in their best moments: a fucken insane force of metal with riffs to die for and all kinds of shit. It seems as if Hatesphere can change each and every fucken member and still manage to compose some of the finest thrash around. Oh, I believe they just did so. Recommended tune: Pick and choose. It’s all great. 8

Kampfar: I am indeed listening to the new Hatesphere, thank you very much Mr. Voiceoverguy, but before long I’ll steal a version where you aren’t present. Cunt. Yes, I like what I hear, but this Danish mix of thrash and death, or something thereabout, isn’t mindblowingly good. Just good, although it must be said that the production is really rather ace. 7

The Duff: Still going this band, eh? Pretty good, I’m surprised I’m digging recent melodic death metal this much. Hatesphere know their craft in and out, and considering bands that once bore the torch for the sub-genre (such as Nightrage) have shown themselves to be slipping into the mires of commercial appeal, this could be the Danes’ year. Doubtful though, as we still have Darkane, Omnium Gatherum, Dimension Zero and Dark Tranquillity. Oh yeah, remember them? Still beats the shit out of God Forbid, I guess metalcore and melodic death running some parallels – face it, if it ain’t Scandinavian, it ain’t worth it, and it’s good to know the countries of origin for the sub-genre are still producing the goods where other countries have run it dry. 7

Abyss: Hatesphere is one of those bands that never really grabbed my attention. I’ve heard them every so often and while there’s not anything wrong with them, there’s always been something better to actively listen to. With some serious lineup changes taken place, I’m sad to say that i still can’t say that “To the nines” is much of a keeper. Like fellow countrymen in Illdisposed I think Hatesphere is forever doomed to be a level three priority for me. 5

Seker: More like Genericmodernsortadeathmetalbutnotreallysphere, to the SHITTER! Seriously, this album is okay, but it’s really made by people with short hair for people with short hair, and that means less riffs, less complicated song structures, and more insipid modern touches: slowed-down Maiden riffs (a.k.a. Gothenburg shit), ultra-compressed production, and Dying Fetus/Pantera/Whatever groovin’ slams up in the hizzhouse. 5

Funeral Mist: Maranatha Funeral Mist: Maranatha


Lord K: I have seen some buzz about this release and it actually got me curious to hear it, though I had the feeling it’d be under-produced black metal crap I would take absolutely no liking in whatsoever. The “under-produced” part is definitely correct since the sound is quite shit – fitting the concept, ofcourse. But the material isn’t as bad as one would think, only close. I can just imagine what wonders a killer production could do to Funeral Mist. Having a great sound doesn’t mean you are not tr00 – it means you actually give a fuck about people being able to hear what you wrote musicwise. This will work for the oh-so evul and grvm black metal kids out there – but I crave more of my black metal. Recommended tune: “A new light” has got some nice riffs until all hell breaks loose in it. 3

Kampfar: “Maranatha” is not an album I’m able to properly judge after a couple of listens only. Så det så. I could very well end up never diggin’ it, or downright so, but as of now I think of the black metal at hand as quite interesting. Nothing more, nothing less. Put short, this is necro-progressive black metal executed in a convincing manner, necro-progressive because quite some dirt but not many spoonfuls of pretto are present. Interesting. 7

The Duff: Black metal, gee I couldn’t have guessed. This is real good though – I wish I enjoyed the sub-genre more, as I would definitely give this some time; I would recommend this to fans of “Battles in the North”-era Immortal – y’know, blistering speed, not too much nihilism. 8

Abyss: What came first, Mortuus inspiring Marduk when joining or Marduk inspiring Mortuus when he made a new solo-album under the Funeral Mist name? Who cares when it sounds this awesome! The reference points are surely there, but over all Funeral Mist has better grasp on how to create atmosphere and mood through vicious pummeling. outstanding black metal on all accounts. 9

Seker: Funeral Mist, I am officially breaking off our relationship because you decided to fucking suck and get rid of everything that was great about “Devilry” and “Salvation”, not to mention follow the modern “orthodox” black metal trend into Deathspell Omega’s collective anus. That is all. 4

Obscura: Cosmogenesis Obscura: Cosmogenesis


Lord K: Perfect. Obscura delivers the kind of irritating technical death metal that I am forced to take a liking in becoz they hand out the groovy riffs in symbiosis with semi-shitty growls in a nice fucken fashion. Necrophagist are still the leaders of this particular style (and they can still go fuck themselves) but while waiting for their next album, Obscura’s “Cosmogenesis” is a decent substitute. It’s a keeper, and hopefully it’s a grower too. I think it will be. Recommended tune: “Universe momentum”. 7

Kampfar: A friend of mine told me I had to give Obscura a go, that because they rule supreme. I’m not so sure I agree, Simon, but I do agree this bunch of Germans to be above averagely talented. Instrument-wise. Other than that, I’ve heard it all (done better) before. Just so you know, Obscura performs progressive tech death with a fretless bass often let loose. 6

The Duff: Old Necrophagist band member releases an album heavily influenced by Atheist and Cynic, black metal and classical, sounding like Necrophagist mixed with Gorod but without the structure and riffs – sure as shit have the solos, though. The album displays flashy musicianship that largely fails to break beyond meandering a pace, and the music overall I consider very nondescript, even the little touches of Nile and Opeth thrown in to break up the melodic death melees. Too glossy, not enough hooks, and we’ve heard all this stuff before. 5

Abyss: One of the key elements of tech death must be that it wow’s the listener into thinking “This is the best shit ever, who can play fantastical stuff like that, LOLZ?!”. Because let’s face it, a very small percent of tech death is actually good as in listenable, so that leaves the wow-factor. Said factor would depend on the technical skills comes as a surprise to the listener (very seldom does it also come as a surprise to the musician, unless heavy Pro Tooling is involved). So when the tech death-market gets flooded by bands, I guess that means that the happy days are over. Cause if there’s no surprise, no wow-factor and just bands, we’re left with redundant shit like Obscura. The skills is not an issue, it’s the fucking songwriting! Necrophagist and Visceral Bleeding have shown that it’s possible to write highly complex AND rocking riffs, so why don’t ya? 5

Seker: Their name screams Gorguts, but their music says Martyr… whatever the case, I can hardly call this bad. In fact, I had quite a bit of fun listening to it: it’s a lot more well-written than most modern tech death, and while most of the riffs are weird, they’re enjoyably weird. The band Beneath the Massacre wishes they could be. 7

Mechanism: Inspired horrific Mechanism: Inspired horrific


Lord K: This album ended up in this edition thanx to one reason: obviously Gene Hoglan plays on it. I hope he got a huge-ass paycheck coz this is some insane death/blast/melodic/technical crap that won’t stay in my collection, nor will it be remembered as Gene’s finest work. His inclusion will get this band more attention than they deserve. Recommended tune: “Siberia”, becoz it holds a very shitty verse riff that a 3 year old could have written. 4

Kampfar: “Inspired horrific” is not a bad album, at times even good, but a mix of death and power metal will forever sound damn awkward and wrong to me. A mix I said, but in truth it sounds more like two different bands are at work on this here platter. In other words, the switch from death to power, and visa versa, is about as elegantly executed as a poem written by Mike Tyson on crack. 4

The Duff: Some ace musicianship; technical death, grind (fans of Cephalic Carnage will definitely find something to like here), black and touches of Priest meet some influences I’m not so keen on, mainly found in the vocal department where some of the vocal styles seem unnecessary if not out of the dude’s range; a talented, versatile vocalist he is though – emulating Devin Townsend a la SYL is always going to put you in my good books. A very able band that has impressed me, but I’m not sure if they hold a place in this convoluted metal scene. 7

Abyss: Mr Hoglan? Gene Hoglan? Will you please explain to the jury why a man with your skills and, so far, great taste in bands have chosen to side with something as identity-free as Mechanism? Is it for the pay check or is it just that you miss working with Devin Townsend so much that you latch on to anything that even remotely copies SYL’s formula? Mr Hoglan, please answer the question. 4

Seker: Finding out that Gene Holgan has a new band was almost as cool as that time I found the second Dark Angel album in the 99 cents bin. Almost. If you like death metal with a lot of riff variety, a slight progressive edge, and absolutely spotless but hardly sterile drumming, you’ll definitely find something to like on this album. Sometimes the vocals get a little silly, but the vocalist changes his death metal voice every few sentences so it hardly stays annoying for long. Goes down well with a shot of Demolition Hammer afterwards. 8

God Forbid: Earthsblood God Forbid: Earthsblood


Lord K: I always hated this band for some reason, and I don’t even know why to be honest. I can’t even remember when I heard them the last time and since I can’t remember that – chances are they fucken stink and I have put God Forbid in the “fuck you” area of my mind. What do you get if you take a dose of Cannibal Corpse, a pinch of Testament, some new Metallica and a few slabs of Vanessa Carlton? Chances are you’ll end up with a dose of Cannibal Corpse, a pinch of Testament, some new Metallica and a few slabs of Vanessa Carlton. You’ll not end up with God Forbid though, that’s for sure. Hardcore shit vocals together with the tough-guy metal only Americans can create and (most often) fail at. Wow. God Forbid’s got some nice passages here and there but in the end it does very little for me. There’s no denying they are skilled and it all sounds pro (tools?) and bla, bla… It’s just soulless music. Recommended tune: “Empire of the gun” holds some nice Arch Enemy vibes. Now they just have to learn how to terminate those clean vocals. 5

Kampfar: I would love to be one of those ultra-grim-elitist-black-metal-troll’s into nothing but Satan and the evil demo(n)s his minions of grim raccoons crap out in hellish numbers. But God forbids. Nah, fucking fuck God with a dildo made of Satan, aka fuck nothing made out of nothing, what you need to know is that “Earthsblood” packs many a fine riff, sports general know-how, and also a bucket or two worth of talent. If the Americans in question eradicated every single trace of core from the equation they would’ve been even better, true, but I still like what I hear. Not utterly dig, you mongoloid, but this (so-called) thrash-core ensemble is at least 500 times better than close to every core related bullshit act out there. Minus grind, of course. 7

The Duff: This is okay, not going crazy over it, as expected. It’s metalcore, and has run its course as prophesized in Cephalic Carnage’s “Dying Will Be the Death of Me”. Good musicians, bad vocals, no riffs that grab you by the balls – as far as the sub-genre goes, God Forbid have released a good album and one they should be proud of. 5

Abyss: God forbids you to keep playing. Give it up. 2

Seker: I keep hearing Frank Mullen yelling “GOD FORBIDDEN” in my head and it really just makes me want to turn off this slightly above average metalcore and listen to some real death metal. 5

Tardy Brothers: Bloodline Tardy Brothers: Bloodline


Lord K: It seems like one of the best ideas ever is to have another band with the Retardy’s since the suckfest that is Obituary today isn’t hardly enough. What’s the reason for this? At times it naturally sounds like a weaker version of Obituary with the same simplistic crap riffs we have heard for 600 years now (it’s 600 years since the fantastic “Cause of death” was released, yes. After that came The Suckage). Other times it sounds like some generic metal band from anyfuckenwhere in the world we don’t care about. And fucken Santolla is on this too, destroying the tunes with his hideous soloing – just like he did with Deicide. Eh, wait… Deicide destroyed themselves before Santolla entered the ship. I almost forgot. Whatever, Tardy Brothers And The Five Foot Penis Pump is forgettable. As fuck. Recommended tune: “Chopped in haaaauuuuf” by Orbitraitory. 3

Kampfar: Have you ever wondered what Obituary would sound like if they upped the amount of solos and in the same instance told John Tardy to sneer-growl rather than puke his guts into the mic? Not so? Fuck you, “Bloodline” is the answer to that question whether you wondered or not. Not exactly an ace form of death this, but it is tolerable. Oh, almost forgot, Tardy Brothers And A Dude Named Santolla is their full name. 5

The Duff: Eh? Hahaha! The vocalist sounds like the dude from Crotchduster. Music is bland. 2

Abyss: The brothers Tardy play in a pretty famous death metal band when they’re not on their own playing death metal. Compared to said famous death metal band it’d be a lie of me to say that “Bloodline” is a huge departure, I can’t even say that you can tell it’s not Obituary you’re listening. The differences are too small to take notice of and thus the question arises: Why go solo to begin with? Oh btw, I haven’t really listened much to Obituary, but I’m sure that my assessment is correct anyway… 3

Seker: I don’t get it. You’ve got a death metal band, you take two of the major members of that band, and you make a side project. A death metal side project that doesn’t sound all that different from your regular stuff. I guess this is okay, but I haven’t been particularly excited about Obituary for a while, and since this is cut from the same mold… 6

Hammerfall: Any means necessary Hammerfall: Any means necessary


Lord K: Is it ok to like Hammerfall nowadays? I mean, are the days of anti-Hammerfall shirts over? It’s not like these guys ever gave a fuck, which is something I admire. They always sounded like the heavy metal bands they worship, and I’m all fine with it. With “Any means necessary” you get dildo-choirs le grande, cheese riffs and the trademark vocals by Johanna… er… I mean Joacim. It sounds like it always did, Hammerfall are true warriors of metal, I know this becoz I have seen their fag-warrior on their covers. He’s tough as shit. Power to the glory of the brave and their penises! Recommended tune: The title track’s chorus is something that won’t leave yer mind once it entered it. 6.

Kampfar: “No sacrifice, no victory”, the gay gods of power metal told Hammerfall, and shortly afterwards they asked if the guys would mind handing over their testicles. “No, not at all”, the dudes in Hammerfall instantly shouted in unison falsetto. Talented crap. 3

The Duff: I hate power metal, I hate Hammerfall. 3

Abyss: By now we should all know what to expect from Hammerfall. It’s power metal to the N:th degree and the only thing that changes between albums is the bands outfits. The good news is that Cans’ recent discovery of what actually constitutes his vocal range still hasn’t fallen prey to amnesia. Meaning he actually sounds ok now that he’s not trying to sing higher then he can pull off. Musically, everything’s the same. 4

Seker: More like, when someone puts this album in the stereo, you must stop the music by any means necessary! Holy shit, I am a comedic genius. 3

Autumn: Altitude Autumn: Altitude


Lord K: I really, really liked Autumn’s last album of cheese, mainly thanx to the fantastic vocals courtesy of crack-slut Nienke de Jong. That cunt made “My new time” quite some piece of a recording since sounding like Kosheen’s princess Sian Evans is something most chicks can only dream of. Well, she’s been replaced here by some new gal called Marjan, supposed to be “famous” for some vocals on some bullshit album by Ayreon (or however you spell that fucken shit name)… Yawn… Not only are the vocals not as awesome as they used to be (though this bitch is fine too, she’s just not anything special), the material isn’t as catchy or memorable as on their last disc. Autumn’s hardly a metal band per se, they keep in the territory of easy listening with distorted guitars. But they are doing ok on this release and it’ll stay in my collection. It’ll just not stay as long as “My new time” will. Recommended tune: “Skydancer”. 5

Kampfar: Autumn is a fine time of the year, my favorite season perhaps, but what I listen to as I write what you now read is more like snow in the middle of summer. Minus the surprise. For it’s so-called gothic metal we are dealing with here, which means I didn’t experience even the most minor of shocks whilst learning that 9 out 10 power metal bands come across as fucking brutal compared to them here fucknuts and a slut. The spermaschlampe, if you care, is on vocals, and behind the mic she does her very best to ensure that every fucking song sounds exactly like the last one. With great help from the band, might I add. Anywayz, this is gothic muzak, not metal. Fuck o… zzzzzzz. 2

The Duff: This isn’t too bad – female-fronted goth/doom metal on the light side, pop-rock with sappy love ballads that isn’t too heavy but has a nice range of synth and a gifted guitarist; vocals are quite alright, too. I would take this far over Nightwish and that abomination ex-Vader guitarist Mauser is playing for. 5

Abyss: Slightly reminiscent of Amaran (only less metal) this Dutch band manages to play female-fronted metal that doesn’t sound like five cats strangled by a string (hello Dark Moor!). A bit lacking in the “fucking metal dood!”-department, this is closer to rock at times, but it’s not too bad. 5

Seker: Gothic metal is a lot like power metal: it’s not really metal and I have a hard time believing anyone actually enjoys listening to it, but apparently it’s popular enough to sell millions upon millions of albums for soulless record labels. 2

Within The Ruins: Creature Within The Ruins: Creature


Lord K: I don’t know what I hate more; the fucken plague known as New Wave Of American Metal or this fucken bullshit which is some super technical blasting death metal with hardcore-ish vocals that makes no sense at all in its song writing. This is what it sounds like when Pro-Tools goes completely fuck-all and fuck-you. Terrible, terrible production (that a drummer actually approves to a drum sound like on this one will forever be beyond me. It actually destroys the whole album – congrats, idiots), and that’s prolly the good thing about this release. Recommended tune: “Bicycle” by Blümchen. 2

Kampfar: Within The Ruins is yet another tech death band making bland songs sound slightly good by adding fine details. 5

The Duff: This to me is what Obscura should be sounding like to make a mark in their field. Some very cool, catchy tech death that sounds like Arsis, recent The Faceless and Beneath The Massacre all mixed with deathcore/metalcore or whatever. I don’t like the vocals and the production/delivery is a little too tight in an unnatural way (very accurate cut-offs of excess noise that sound synthetic – they certainly aren’t as a result of the musicians adeptness, despite how obviously they’ve labored over their craft). I can’t argue that the music doesn’t sound like some sound stuff, though. 7

Abyss: I was almost starting to think there’d be no metalcore this month but I guess that was too much to hope for. Within the ruins are a bit more spastic then some of their brethren but no less boring and predictable. sigh 2

Seker: Holy shit, I think my speakers just broke, cause I can hear is a bunch of beeping noises and some idiot screaming over dissonance. This is pretty much the exact opposite of Vision Divine, but it’s just as bad. 1

Soulhavoc: Obituary Soulhavoc: Obituary


Lord K: It’s evident that not too many great albums get released when a band like Soulhavoc ends up in Audio Autopsy. I don’t know shit about this band… Where are they from? How old are they? And why? All I know is that this is a semi-thrash shitfest that I’ll never go thru again. Their music is as fucken lame as their moniker and the title of the album. Get the fuck out of here, losers. Recommended tune: “You gotta be fucken shitting me” by Lord K. Philipson. 2

Kampfar: Obituary is an ace band compared to this talentless bunch of dunderheads up to no good. Here is no drive, no energy, no fucking nothing, apart from some decent soloing. Nonetheless, this band is unnecessary on par with life itself, Soulhavoc simply put (melodic) death metal at its very worst. 2

The Duff: Boring. Next. 3

Abyss: If you think Arise, Blinded Colony and Amoral are oozing originality and are the best melodic death metal can muster then you’ll love Soulhavoc. 4

Seker: Soulhavoc play some okay melodic death metal. I’d rather listen to Desultory or Unanimated, but this is still okay. It’s better than new In Flames, but it’s worse than old In Flames. It’s melodic death metal. That’s about all there is to say. 6

The Burning: Rewakening The Burning: Rewakening


Lord K: Can I please have some triggered kicks high in the mix? Could you also please put in some absolutely shit sounding half metal with chugga riffs in the mess and complete it with non-existing bass and a vocalist who sucks more cock than… er… someone who sucks a lot of fucken cock. Oh, I can have all of this? And I can name it “The Burning”? Tack så jävla skitmycket. Dra du åt helvete. Recommended tune: “Fuck you” by Overkill. 2.

Kampfar: The dudes in The Burning might not be free of talent, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t call it a day and quit already. At least I’m left very unimpressed by standard metal-core spiced with a good riff or two. Put short, this is metal-core with a hint of death. I happen to prefer death with a hint of rape. 3

The Duff: Not good, I think the vocals kill this. The riffs aren’t so bad, the musicianship is of a pretty decent standard, production is alright although the cymbals sound like ass. Yup, it’s the vocals. And the lyrics. The vocals and the lyrics. 3

Abyss: It feels like I’m repeating myself a lot this month but that’s mostly because too many band play metal because it’s cool instead of playing because they fucking burn for it. The result? Bands like The Burning who add nothing to the creative gene-pool except for a weak splash here and there. no, they don’t even add that. 3

Seker: This stuff is so mediocre I can’t even think of anything to write about it. If you took modern death metal and tried to 80s-ify it until it sort of sounded like thrash, it would come out sounding like this. There are many, many things worse than this, but there’s also a lot of things that are much better. 4

Dark Moor: Autumnal Dark Moor: Autumnal


Lord K: Who the fuck let the 7 dwarfs release a album? And they didn’t even invite the Snowhite whore to be a part of it… Dark Moor is a fucken abomination with their hideous humpa-humpa bullshit and terrible orchestrations accompanied by utter shit vocals. Dark Moor wants to sound dramatic – and they do, only it’s dramatically fucken bad. To go thru this album was a pain, on par with sticking rusty knives into your eyes. And then put Tabasco in them. It’s safe to say that they haven’t recovered one bit since their last unfortunate album. And to make things worse, it’s not helping much when they, from time to time, end up sounding like a fucken NES console game from the 80’s mixed with the shit-parts of Nightwish. I said the following in my linked review above, but it’s as accurate today as when I initially wrote it: “What a completely fucken useless group of absolute fucko’s”. Recommended tune: I wish I could recommend even a single riff… 2

Kampfar: If you are out hunting for a power metal opera draped in lots and lots of cheese, give this platter a spin. But only after you’ve scored yourself a homo, you spineless twat without an atom of attitude to show for. Fuck off! Or rather, come visit me, bring your friends, and I’ll show you lot what ze pedicure-of-death is all about. Or how ‘bout an acidic footbath? Better yet, how about me shutting the fuck up? Deal. 2

The Duff: Are you serious? Opening with the Darth Vader theme music? Is this band a gimmick? Copy popular classical music and overlay it with tailing guitars and power-folk vocals? The actual music these people have taken the time to compose themselves is too bland to be real, doom-power metal plagued by nothing but chug-riffs. Without the bombastic keys and over-the-top classical instruments (excessive with no thought to the song – basically over-compensating for the lack of backbone), they have nothing but a group of very talented vocalists. 1

Abyss: Imagine that foofy-looking androgynous manga-boy with the bangs that you always see playing the lead character in Japanese RPG’s? Yeah, him, he usually finds a large sword and a large quest, take him and stick him in front of a mic leading a band of Spaniards that play music very much inspired by EPIC! MAJESTIC! ROMANTIC! bands. That RPG-character, if he could sing, would sound like the dude in Dark Moor. Very melodramatic, very “emotional”, very silly. There’s a chick singing as well but she’s not credited as a band member so she might as well be the male singer reaching deep into the hidden nooks of his sexuality. Beware. 4

Seker: Spain put out the Blind Dead movies, but they also put out this crappy power metal, so I’m not too sure about those guys anymore. I hope Bela Lugosi and Tchaikovsky rise from their graves and eviscerate you for ruining Swan Lake. 2

Vision Divine: 9 degrees west of the moon Vision Divine: 9 degrees west of the moon


Lord K: Yeeeeeeeeeeehaw!!! Vision Divine just returned from their honeymoon in Stinkville where they were accompanied by their boyfriends from fag-bands such as Helloween and any power metal tragedy with “dragon” in their moniker. Fluffer for this vacation was ass-munchers like Michael Kiske, Geoff Tate and SpungeBob Squarepenis. VD, huh? You all know what that means. The production is good though, but it’s hardly enough to save this tragedy. Recommended tune: “Ram it up (the ass)” by Halford. 3

Kampfar: First Autumn, then Dark Moor, and now fucking this? Lo and loudly yawn, here is yet another shitty and anemic power metal band of no interest whatsoever. From Italy they are, which is why I kindly ask Berlusconi Mussolini to thrown them into a pit inhabited by lions ASAP. Hail Caesar! 1

The Duff: Urgh. Urgh? Urgh. 2

Abyss: I’m pretty sure this band listens a lot to old Helloween. New Helloween as well. How can I tell? Well the singer has that nasal Michael Kiske-tone, like old Helloween. And the music is really cheesy and boring, like new Helloween. 3

Seker: Well, supposedly this is power metal, but it really just sounds like gay 80s pop with a lame accent. De-emphasize the guitars in favor of boring vocals and keyboards, yay! 1