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Audio autopsy

Audio Autopsy - December 2009

01/12/09  ||  Global Domination

Lost Soul: Immerse in infinity Lost Soul: Immerse in infinity

8.2/10

Lord K: Yeah, well… You know this will be awesome. For one, it’s Polish. Secondly, it’s not like their last album sucked. Lost Soul is a fucken force to be reckoned with. If they do not become the next big thing out of Poland (after Behemoth, Vader and Decapitated) we might as well give up all hope on music. Supreme death metal, insanity, speed, groove and ace songs = Lost Soul. Excellent. Muthafucken excellent. 8

Kampfar: I am a lost soul in search of total death. This isn’t it, “Chaostream” more like it, but “Immerse in infinity” invokes an erection still. A quite hefty one, even. 8

The Duff: There is a lot to like about this record, bits and pieces that aren’t so pleasurable but purely on a personal basis, I’m sure; the band’s last, “Chaostream” receives no shortage of praise, and I see no reason why Immerse in Infinity should break the band’s stride in the eyes of metal fans. Polish death metal has had some disappointments this year, but it seems new blood is here to pick up the slack. 8

Trauma: Polish death metal should get a 7 minimum, so long as they adhere to the standards brought by Vader and Behemoth. When these guys are on, they are fucken on like a motherfucker. “…If the dead can speak” is a prime example. Something is being done right in Poland, at least musically. This is quality death metal, better than I can say about a lot of other poop factories. 8

CadenZ: At first this reminded me a whole lot of Behemoth – which isn’t a bad thing in itself – but then came in the more melodious and proggy elements. This is some absolutely awesome shit. And those guitar solos! Yummy yummy yikes! 9

Lumberjack (guest): Oh hell yes! Finally, something that isn’t so awful it actually makes me angry. For those not familiar with Lost Soul, they are a quality Polish death metal band. Ultra-fucking tight, sleek, and brutal. Not surprising, I did just tell you they were a Polish death band, right? A dreadnought cut from a single, seamless slab of obsidian. Beyond the occasional prominent bass burbles, not much that Lost Soul does is new to the subgenre. However, what they do is important: Vader has taken the lame-hand path and Decapitated got waylaid by the world, leaving a gap in what was once a solid steel wall of airtight death metal supremacy. Lost Soul put their shoulders against Behemoth’s and hold the line. Bonus half-point for having a bell tolling in the last track. 8

Ram-Zet: Neutralized Ram-Zet: Neutralized

6.3/10

Lord K: Ram-Zet is a carnival of insane ideas, excellent vocals (both male and female) and intriguing songwriting. Ram-Zet is a cabaret for the metally (nope, that’s not a typo) challenged. Ram-Zet is a circus of lunacy and somewhat underlying brilliance. This is a fucken interesting rollercoaster to go thru. Not for the faint of heart. 8

Kampfar: I don’t hate women more than I do men, believe it or not, but I anyways think here is entirely too much feminism going on in the vocal department. Me gets bored but enjoy the music. 6

The Duff: There are elements I like, mainly the few black elements, but the female clean/harsh combo-vocals and otherwise fairly tedious music bring this down to mediocre standards, even if the former is definitely an improvement over the drab male-fella on past albums lamenting over lost pussy – no use fretting over cunts you took too long to realize weren’t treating you right, that’s my philosophy; like Socrates… So-crah-teeee-zzzze. There you go, proof that having your forums hosted here does not line your pockets with drugs and your hands with ripe, rotund mammaries. 5

Trauma: This is some excellent shit right here. I wasn’t so sure that I would be floored but I am. Fantastic job, but if I had to complain about something, I’d complain about how few tracks there are. Would have hoped for more after hearing the quality on this release. Ramathorn’s vocals are oddly effective, and Sfinx has a nice set of pipes under those corsets. 9

CadenZ: Nice vocalists and superb musicians, spooky atmosphere, proggy riffs and arrangements. Quality control reveals a high standard, but no peaks too high. Demands more listens. 7

Lumberjack (guest): I’m not familiar with Ram-Zet at all, but I was under the impression they were some kind of black metal band. Maybe they were at some point. What they are now is another one of those operatic-whatever bands with a chick singing and a dude sort of growling. Lots of keyboards and some cheesy electronics. The chick’s voice is pretty nauseating, and that’s all that really stands out. Does forum member Gina still actually read this site? Is she still dating a dude in this band? God, I hope not. I’ve seen pictures of her with her viking swords and that shit is scary. 3

Slayer: World painted blood Slayer: World painted blood

6.2/10

Lord K: Today’s Slayer is spelled Zzzzzzzzzlayer… And I think it’s safe to say we won’t hear them with a good production ever again, huh? Maybe it’s time to do a run in politics and become Meh-yor? ZING! 5

Kampfar: My love for Slayer is rekindled. 8

The Duff: Yeah, we all love Slayer, they’re great; a bad album is a bad album, I won’t stop loving them, bits and pieces that are alright, but I can write better stuff these days than my idols which is unfathomable at times and very depressing always. Dave Lombardo’s drumming is spicy. An “oh well” from me overall. 4

Trauma: SSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!! \m/{>.<}\m/ 6

CadenZ: Slayer have actually managed to pen together a few actual songs this time, not just mindless flailing in the general direction of their 80s style. As expected though, the fucken horrible solos with the fucken horrible whammy dives can go fucken fuck themselves (I know what they’re trying to convey, but come on – you can play that shit with style… or could, anyway. Seems like Slayer anno 2009 can’t) but other than that this is somewhat better than expected. 6

Lumberjack (guest): So here we are with another entry by old masters. Long-time heroes who have been disappointing lately. Are they able to conjure up the old thrash-attack? Yes, actually, they are. Even though much of the album is slower than the typical thrash bpm, there is a good 20-something minutes of “RiB”-esque face-ripping. Rarely does a band come back to form so well,although the production is odd and the guitar sound kind of shitty. However, complaints about the roduction aside, “World Painted Blood” managesssssss SLLLLLAYYYYEEEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!!! 8

Scar Symmetry: Dark matter dimensions Scar Symmetry: Dark matter dimensions

5.8/10

Lord K: Robban’s vocals are the second best in the world though I prefer him in Facebreaker, ofcourse. Scar Symmetry’s confused mix of pop-choruses and brutal death metal is not working all of the time, but when it does it’s a fucken joy to listen to. I expected a bit more though. “Pitch back progress” still stands as my fave album from these guys. 7

Kampfar: Scar Symmetry is still the musical equivalent of water and oil mixed together. 5

The Duff: Some nice touches, all in all, these guys are a gifted outfit for sure and still sound like latter-day Soilwork. The world remains unchanged as far as Scar Symmetry are concerned. 7

Trauma: Roberth is fantastic, Jens is more than adequate a replacement for Christian’s cleans. This music, though, is just a bit drawn out and not as fantastic as previous efforts, “Holographic Universe” definitely included. I think these guys have hit a wall. A shame, really, because it’s not remotely bad. 6

CadenZ: I was worried. Really worried. Älvestam was out. “Holographic Universe” was dull and boring. Then came the two new guys and “DMD”. Not worried anymore. 8

Lumberjack (guest): I was anxious to hear this, because people have been gushing over them for some time. And now I know why: this is the result of either a computer program or an intense market study attempting to create a product which appeals to nearly every segment of the modern pretend-underground metalhead demographic group. Over-processed generic death growls collide haphazardly with schmaltzy pop-rock singing. The metal riffs cribbed from Nevermore’s latter day catalog and the cloying slow sections have very little to do with one another beyond being extremely polished and sterile. This album was created by a Playstation 3. They get a few points for having a few nice solos. 2

Mustasch: Mustasch Mustasch: Mustasch

5.7/10

Lord K: I like Ralf’s vocals more than I like Mustasch’s music. There’s that occasional groovy riff to make yer penis happy but this hardrock meal is not really on my menu anymore. They never sounded better though, whatever that means. 6

Kampfar: This Mustasch should date Gillette and begone already. If, however, you are a sworn fan to anything resembling stoner rock, you might not agree with what I just wrote. 4

The Duff: With a band name like Mustasch, I was expecting to be beaten down and have my balls stapled to the floor. Instead, I get the very average, bits and pieces of awesome and the goddamned dreadful pussy-metal that should never be attached to a reference of a man’s facial hair even in the wildest of contexts. Kreator-y mixed with hard rock/punk vocals make this very lukewarm music with no pulse, and my balls remain unshattered by overpowering doses of testosterone. 4

Trauma: This is good and catchy. Vocals have a bit of that Danzig touch to them at times, even. This style of hardrock I could stick my dick into multiple times. De-tuned, crunchy, and catchy. That is Mustasch, apparently. “I just received hair on my chest. It just came naturally – five minutes ago, I didn’t have any hair on my chest. I just received a Swedish Grammy, and I got a lot – a loooottttttt!!! I got a lotta hair on my chest.” 8

CadenZ: I had no hopes for this album as I’ve always sidestepped Mustasch, believing them to be extremely boring. I wasn’t completely wrong, but quite. Energetic stoner rock that reeks of booze and gasoline, that sometimes exhausts itself and sounds tired as fuck. Ah well. I wonder if they’ve got a tribute band called Beard? 6

Lumberjack (guest): Ok, these guys had better be fucking German. Fuzzy guitars, rumbling bass and rough rock-n-roll vocals. The songs fall somewhere between stoner and party-time rock. I haven’t decided whether this is genuine tribute to a time gone by or hipsteronic pastiche, and I really don’t care. Mustasch would be a fun ride live, but the only reason I’m pumped about them right now is that I just sat through Theatre of Tragedy. 6

Gorgoroth: Quantos possunt ad satanitatem trahunt Gorgoroth: Quantos possunt ad satanitatem trahunt

5.2/10

Lord K: This branch of black metal will never completely be my thing though Norway’s definitely coughed up worse black metal bands in the past. Lady Gaahl Gaahl (thank you Daemonomania for that one) left the ship and I have no idea if Gorgoroth is better with or without Teh Gay, that’s how much I fucken care. 3

Kampfar: Not totally hooked but a homo-free Gorgoroth certainly appeals to my penis. 7

The Duff: Forum member Ryan has oft been noted as saying, in rhythm “Skeet, skeet; bling, bling. Nigger. Watching phat booty makes my cock grow bigger. I am troo to the bone, make sure that I am not gattin’ when dissing my big sis-ter.” When questioned about “Quantos…” his response was “The new Gorgoroth? I’m not so keen on it”; unfortunately, his life is financed by white man’s burden and I’m left in a bedsit squalor with nothing but metal to keep me teetering over the edge, so I’m actually enjoying this some, just not enough to purchase – better than the new Immortal, which I actually bought; irony works in mysterious ways, like my dick, which I often fantasize to be a fire-hose (TOO FAR MR. FUCKING RACISM). Also, Ryan used the n-word without being as black as he claims – dis-fucking-graceful; rap music is shit + subtlety and PC in all its glorious, warped forms gives: 7 (P.S.: Ryan didn’t actually say any of this, just so you know.)

Trauma: Infernus is back! Gorgoroth is returned to its rightful owner! All hail GORGOROTH! ALL! HAIL! DICKCHEESE! It surprises you that it doesn’t completely suck upon first listen, and then on subsequent journeys you realize it’s pretty uninteresting. Comparatively, Marduk’s new album is much better. 4

CadenZ: A black metal record with a production that kills most of the atmosphere. I still like it, but gotta hate those idiotic abrupt breaks with a couple of seconds’ silence in the middle of songs. Worst tom sound ever as well. 6

Lumberjack (guest): Opener “Aneuthanasia” kicks off with a rad Tom Warrior grunt and some black thrashing madness. Then they get lost in some sad goblin forest. There are short, promising stabs of thrashy aggression here and there, but most of this is pretty boring, which means it’s “atmospheric”. Since they’re not DsO, that also means their attempts at it “suck”. Frogs croak in a desolate, boring swamp. Of Satan. 4

Paradise Lost: Faith divides us, death unites us Paradise Lost: Faith divides us, death unites us

5.2/10

Lord K: One of the most boring UK bands ever are back (My Dying Bride is another). They sucked back at “Lost paradise” and though they suck a little less today (thanx to trading their absolute crap death metal to absolute mainstream bullshit), they are still completely uninteresting. 4

Kampfar: “Gothic” I dig but “Faith divides us – death unites us” I don’t. Too soft. 5

The Duff: Never checked up on Paradise Lost, so couldn’t say if this was a return to form, an evolution with touches of the old sound (which I’m willing to wager it is), or a backstep, treading water affair or whatever the fuck; I don’t think too ill of this, so’s‘alright is whatcha got. 6

Trauma: I yawned. A lot more than I do normally. And I’m one tired motherfucker. 4

CadenZ: Some nice doomy emo moments, in a good way. Still, PL are too close to Dead by April for me to be able to enjoy them fully. Still, I kinda like the Hetfield-esque vocals and some riffs and leads sound like they’re from 1991 so I’ll cut them some slack. Still, “Vanquish the pain…!” is too fucken you-know-what… 5

Lumberjack (guest): I’m not familiar with this band’s back catalog, but I believe they began as a death/doom band and “evolved” into something proggier as time wore on, yes? Their death roots are still represented in some of the riffing, but the album sits more firmly into some kind of doom category. Bottom heavy deathish riffing seques nicely into calm, clean sections punctuated with some keys. The leadwork, while not mindblowingly complex, is poignant. The vocals are all clean, although the singer quite often has a burly, manly sound. Strong, bellowing rough sections are juxtaposed with some softer stuff and higher singing. All of it is done pretty well, and the music backing it up is tight. Many of their sad hero riffs are impressively emotive and the songs suitably epic. Again, I can’t begin to tell you where this fits into the larger story of this band’s career, but this “Faith…” is an impressive piece of modern doom which doesn’t suffer much from its tinge of gothic rock. A pleasant surprise. If they were a tad less maudlin and a bit heavier, I’d be a fan. Then again, they’d have to drop their “gothic” tag, I suppose. 7

Between The Buried And Me: The great misdirect Between The Buried And Me: The great misdirect

4.8/10

Lord K: This album is greatly misdirected at yours truly. Not as emo as one would think but it’s still leaving a foul taste in your mouth. 3

Kampfar: I thought of myself of as a proper schizophrenic up until I heard Between The Buried And Me. Some good, mostly bad, but fucking thanks for making me think better of myself you fucking idiots. 4

The Duff: There are bands out there that impress me but never blow me away, BtBaM being such. I enjoyed “Alaska” and, for me, their true masterpiece “Colors” immensely, but was surprised at how quickly they churned out “The Great Misdirect” – maybe the more spacious music is what they were aiming for, but it feels like a rush job. Thankfully, the band are no slouches at their craft, and in the end we have a very good record which leans more towards their prog tendencies and less of a meat and potatoes metal slant with fanciful adornments that comprised much of their more endearing records. Also, I will always support PRS players until I see the lucky motherfuckers straddling such sweet instruments of divine creation, designed and assembled in the Universe’s history between tits and ladies’ buttocks. 7

Trauma: Whooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! The name just screams metalcore, but I don’t find all that much of the annoying shit that comes with that. I hear good songwriting all over this record, but some of the tracks length is just a bit too long. 7

CadenZ: I expected shitty metalcore and got an intriguing mish-mash of prog, death metal, jazz and some psychedelic shit – talk about a great misdirect! Not everything is great, but there’s lots of cool stuff on here. 7

Lumberjack (guest): Elevator prog meets uninspired melodeath with weakass growling and conspires to bore me to fucking death. “Well, guys, I still really think we should add this stupid blues thing I wrote,” whines fat guitarist, shuffling his feet. “Ok, we’ll just make all the songs really long so we all have room,” suggests hipster-beard guitarist. “Our fans won’t care, they’ll be too busy acting like the one Tool fan who ‘gets’ it and isn’t like other Tool fans!” exclaims the singer’s girl jeans. Extra points off for having weak keyboards and aping Marilyn Manson in “Fossil Genera”. 1

Marionette: Enemies Marionette: Enemies

4.8/10

Lord K: For being kids they execute their modern metal very well. It’s Pro-Tool’d beyond comprehension, sure, and it sounds like any soulless recording of today – which combined is Marionette’s downfall. They are just one more band in the crowd, no matter how competent they sound. Studio trickery can make a turd sound awesome too, you know. 5

Kampfar: If you want melodic death dressed up in a nice production, and fancy effects, do indulge yourself. 6

The Duff: Marionette are a talented band if only not very exciting, a mix of the good and the bad (melodeath, In Flaymez, black, thrash-lite, death, keyboards etc.), yet nothing truly ball-smashing nor horrendous. 6

Trauma: Melodic metal I can only stomach if it’s done real well. If it’s not, it pisses me off to no end. This band struggles with not quite having the fantastic melodic touch I was hoping. Melody is there, but it’s nothing special. The super-layered vocals are an annoyance. Melodic metal need not the high-register vocals. And what a bunch of fucken emo looking examples we have. Fucken girl haircuts and eyeliner. Unless you’re sucking a dick or twenty what is the point of putting on eyeliner? At least go the distance and paint your whole face. 5

CadenZ: Melodeath with a few parts too cheesy for my taste. All in all this is OK, but I’m not feeling anything while listening to this. Oh, wait, here’s a feeling – wait, nope, sorry. 5

Lumberjack (guest): Marionette are three o’ clock in the afternoon. They’re too late for the Swedish melodeath/metalcore party and too early for a retro movement. Whoa. Think about it. Years from now, instead of retro thrash bands there will be metalcore retro bands. Jesus, that is going to be awful. 2

Epica: Design your universe Epica: Design your universe

4.7/10

Lord K: Female vocals, the occasional growl, orchestrations and a few decent riffs… Nonetheless, for some reason Epica always failed to speak to me. There’s no real heart in this but the choir in “Martyr of the free word” makes up for it a little. Oh, and that Simone skank is hardly as hot as everyone claims, nor is she that awesome a vocalissa either. 5

Kampfar: Epica is not doing anything epic as far as I’m concerned. 5

The Duff: The band for those still living at home masturbating in their mother’s underwear, I don’t hate such bands with a vengeance, but for the sake of Christ’s pierced nipples do I question their validity for question is what I do with every waking breath in preparedness of aiding Gandalf the Grey in one of his mythical, wondrous travels. Do these guys even need the growled vocals when they already have a vadjeye-nuh at the forefront of the listener’s attention? Me thinketh not. The operatic music, with tinges of grandiose BM a la Dimmu would make me think the band trying to evolve, but in the end this is goth/doom with money aplenty that really isn’t bad, just very annoying for those into music of more substance, unwilling to role-play in forests for the chance to bone Gwyndolin (or Buckteeth Sarah, as she’s known at work), the level 8 paladin with a one-bedroom flat, seven cats and a mother with psoriasis. 5

Trauma: Simone is hot, super hot. I’d melt if she touched me, or rather if I touched her (which is more likely – that I would initiate physical contact without her consent). Their fearless leader’s growl sounds much better than before, as does the rest of the music. The choirs and chants get old before they start, but some of the riffs redeem the music consistently through the album. I still want to hear more diversity in Simone’s vocals, if she can do it. I think she can, but she first has to dump that old keyboardist from Kamelto(e). 6

CadenZ: Is there hope for symphonic power metal with female vocals? No. Does this sound as good as her chest looks? No. Is it shit? No. 5

Lumberjack (guest): It’s pretty much the “Zelda” theme over and over with some dyed redhead tart on the cover. They try a few metal riffs and have some growling man no one cares about. They have a lot of keyboard parts. 2

Hatebreed: Hatebreed Hatebreed: Hatebreed

4.5/10

Lord K: Take out the breed and you end up with my exact feelings for this bunch of cocksucking mongoloids. 3

Kampfar: The voice of Mr. Jasta, not to forget his stand-up-for-yourself lyrics, makes me sick to my stomach. Not quite, but he is indeed a shit vocalist fronting a band I’ll never care much about. 5

The Duff: Never a band I’ve enjoyed; they’ll keep the fans they’ve earned plus sidestep the reverence of the true metal clique: I’ve forgotten what a pussy even looks like, my Nevermore posters my only solace – oh, but wait, Warrel Dane ZZZZZZZZZZING (I… I dunno what a ZING is, forgive me if I’m way outta whack). 2

Trauma: The masters of their craft are back for another schooling in the ways of pride and unrelenting self-esteem! These are the fucken masters of what they created. Masterpiece on all levels except the upper. 6

CadenZ: Be gone, foul & dorky chest-beating wanna-be-macho metal/hardcore, be gone to thy miserable gym of torn and lonesome pecs. 4

Lumberjack (guest): Everyone’s favorite metallic hardcore band/tattoo are back! Like many metalheads, I long dismissed the band as insipid brotastic posicore bullshit. Now that I’ve given this album a chance, I find myself enjoying this quite a bit! It can get a bit samey, and the lyrics are pretty fucking cheesy, but this shit is pretty good. The riffing is more thrash-metal than I remember their older stuff sounding and the breakdowns are a hell of a lot more rad than the typical DUN-DUN-DUN a lot of their progeny abuse. They throw in a couple of straight up thrash attacks that are a welcome addition to the moshcore stew. The drumming and bass are tight and solid, but not mindblowing. Jasta’s voice is either consistent or gratingly monotonous depending on your tolerance for hardcore barkers. “But, but, it’s brotastic posicore bullshit!” says dear reader. Dear reader, I am 1) brotastic and 2) positive. Subtract a few points if you’re not REALLY into pushups and feeling good about yourself. 7

Rammstein: Liebe ist für alle Rammstein: Liebe ist für alle

4/10

Lord K: As always, Rammstein mix some decent tunes with some complete shit. Why this is even working – no one knows. The hit-single “Pussy” is so wrong, yet so right. 6

Kampfar: Whenever I hear Rammstein I always wish the Allies had carpet-nuked the living daylights out of Germany. I’m glad they didn’t, not that I think Japan deserved it more, but this band is anyways total crap. Almost. 2

The Duff: I hate this band with a passion. Now they’re including dildos with their CDs? That’s just one of my pleasure-centres taken care of. What do you have to say about that, Mr. Overly-Liberal Smart-y-pants? I don’t get how people can overlook the complete lack of riffs for the sake of image and German, rumbled garbage. I listened to single “Pussy” out of interest, and it’s safe to say there’s not an iota of cleverness to be found within. The shock value wore off years ago, their electro-industrial nonsense still shit to this day. 1

Trauma: Rammstein always manages to grab me with some really catchy stuff, then they put out fairly boring stuff. This is kinda going along with the latter. I don’t dislike, but I’m not really hearing any hits here. “Pussy” isn’t even the hit their hits usually are. I expect better from Rammstein. An extra point for their limited edition version with a bunch of pink dildos, my favorite. 7

CadenZ: I am truly, truly amazed, like a chipmunk getting fellatio for the first time. I don’t hate the living guts of this, an album by one of the bands I’ve hated most of all during all of its existence. Once in a while I even like what I’m hearing. I’m fucken speechless over here. Doesn’t mean that most of this doesn’t suck, which it does. Still, what the fuck?! Something other then a 1/10 for Rammstein? 3

Lumberjack (guest): If “Triumph of the Will” were made by ecstasy raver burnouts and aimed at teenage Rob Zombie fans from the 90’s this would be the score. The four riffs featured on the album are catchy at first, but are essentially popcorn. The singer says “dick-ah” a lot in the hit single. Probably fun live, but there’s no reason to listen to this if you have any metal around. 5

Theatre Of Tragedy: Forever is the world Theatre Of Tragedy: Forever is the world

3.8/10

Lord K: Another chick-fronted band playing half metal. At least Epica have a few riff bordering on being heavy and they also have a decent voice in Simone The Ginger Vagina. Theatre Of Tragedy have neither. 4

Kampfar: In an interview Raymond István Rohonyi did with the Norwegian metal-magazine Scream, circa straight after “Velvet darkness they fear”, he promised to never drop them harsh vocals. “Aegis” very well proved that he is nothing but a pussy-whipped twat. 3

The Duff: Not a great band, goth/doom metal with symphonic elements, whoop-dee; they seem a dime a dozen in AA these days, but Theatre of Tragedy are renowned more than most. They get a point for spelling it Theatre, though; the correct English spelling, although most English I doubt would be able to spell it any more appropriately than the Americans… or Martians for that matter. That’s my dig at the English, this month; don’t forget to tune in next month… 5

Trauma: HOLY fucken shit this is boring. I yawned more than I did with Paradise Lost. Now don’t get me wrong, Nell Sigland has a very good voice. The music surrounding it? The epitome of bore. I am imagining loving a good anal pounding by the resurrected zombie penis of John Holmes more than I am loving listening to the brand of bore this band is pushing. 3

CadenZ: Bedroom metal. That’s the only use for this I can think of that doesn’t suck (pun? What’s that?) completely, or at least bore me to death. Fun (?) detail: the only good thing about the crash cymbals sounding like broken tinkly-winkly shards of a faeryland rainbow is the image of death and destruction visiting Saga Kingdom being painted on my mind’s canvas. 4

Lumberjack (guest): I’m pretty sure at some point these guys were a death/doom band in the mode of My Dying Bride. There are traces of that sound left here and there on this album. The opener, “Hide and Seek”, comes to life with a thrumming pulse slithering behind a haunting, simple piano line. This is promising! Wait, after two minutes it turns into the operatic/symphonic/gothic chick singer pretend metal that is polluting this AA. They get a few points for the hints of coolness here and there and the way the growlsman pronounces “motherfucker” in the opener. They’re a shitload better than, say, Epica. And could be pretty rad if they’d stick to the death/doom sound. 4

Wasp: Babylon Wasp: Babylon

3.3/10

Lord K: I miss 1984. For real. 4

Kampfar: Fucking hell, I actually don’t hate this shit. I hate “The headless children” even less, not at all precisely, but what Blackie has on the menu anno 2009 nonetheless sounds really rather good. 7

The Duff: These guys should change their name to “Whaaaa-?!”, or stay long-dead-and-buried. I’m a bitter cunt these days, but I’ve never much liked WASP and I have no clue why they’ve resurrected along with all the other dregs of early glam/sleaze rock/metal bands, although I seem strangely drawn to the lyrics of the opening track, haha. An awesome lead guitarist who knows the golden-age of soloing like the length of his cock gives this a: 4

Trauma: Weebles. Are. Stupid. Playthings. And W.A.S.P. are even stupider. 2

CadenZ: There’s one good song and one OK song on “Babylon”. The good one is a Deep Purple cover and the OK one is a Chuck Berry cover, which is horribly rendered by the incompetent fuckers in this amazingly over-rated shit band. Go fuck yerselves. 2

Lumberjack (guest): W.A.S.P. were part of the L.A. glam metal bullshit but are supposed to be enjoyable to real metalheads, too. That’s what I’ve read. I’m not sure I believe it. What they offer here is just over-produced, trite AARP-rock. If you didn’t get that, ask your friendly neighborhood American to explain it to you. As for Mr. Lawless, I’ll leave you with this: Meatloaf deserves better. 1

Stryper: Murder by pride Stryper: Murder by pride

2.2/10

Lord K: Oh my God. Forgive them Father for they absolutely fucken suck. 2

Kampfar: “Murder by gaiety” is a disgrace, a fucking offense even, but if you like heavy metal with an edge of pop I guess Stryper gets the job done. 3

The Duff: Yikes. Stryper are back. I never knew them. 2

Trauma: Not to be discouraged, forth from the ashes of the 80s comes the Christian metal phenoms Stryper! What a return to form, recapturing that so destinctive 80’s sound reaching an apex of unfettered determination with the message present in the lyrics. The instrumental compositions are quite tasty when taken into context their origins. In short, I’d much rather say a pray…er. Not. 3

CadenZ: At times I actually enjoy some seconds of this. Then again, those seconds come several minutes apart. According to mathematics I shouldn’t like this too much then. Unfortunately for Stryper, I’m a very mathematically oriented person who likes logic. 2

Lumberjack (guest): Ok, so Stryper were the christian hair metal band. Then they were the christian nu-metal band for an album, right? Now they’re a christian radio buttrock band. No one reading this really wants to hear Stryper. For fuck’s sake. Can we give zeros? If there’s a one at the end of this, it’s only because K doesn’t allow zeros. 1