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Audio autopsy

Audio Autopsy - January 2007

01/01/07  ||  Global Domination

The Faceless: Akeldama The Faceless: Akeldama

6.8 /10

Lord K: Among the better ones in this bullshit edition of AA. Musicianship = fine. Brutality = fine. Growls = killer. Definitely not faceless’d shit at all. 7

Ripper Bendix: I expected absolutely fucken nothing here in account of this AA sucking EXTREME motherfucken dick in terms of overall bearability, but shit… The Faceless made me fucken smile and kept me working. Thank you. Now buy me some beer or I’ll deduct three points! 8

The Abyss: A death metal band from California who manages to be technical, brutal and melodic all at once. Good stuff, I predict that the next album will be really good. 6

Desert Eagle: HOLY SHIT! If this doesn’t win the AA for this month I’m going to cum all over myself in rage. There won’t actually be all that much cum since I just came all over my self in pure joy. This is a very disturbing review. The Faceless play amazingly tight and technical death that should be enjoyed by all. Fuck the haters. 10

Syrrok: Terrific recording, outstanding playing, and 0 minus 100 points for sustainable listening. These guys belong in guitar center on a Saturday afternoon having a face-off with the guy playing Megadeth’s “She-Wolf” lead, they do NOT belong on my iTunes. 3

This Ending: Inside the machine This Ending: Inside the machine

6.2 /10

Lord K: High quality semi-death from Sweden, what else do you want? Off Beat Studios deserve tons of kudo’s for a great production. A Canorous Quin-what? 7

Ripper Bendix: Man, this is like an ice-cold beer after a long day of work considering what shit I had to bare with here this time. 7

The Abyss: While sporting member from the old melodeath-band A Canarous Quintet, This Ending’s brand of death is slightly different. There’s elements of thrash and black metal to be found and they all help making this a pretty enjoyable 40+ min. A minus for the silly-sounding snare drum. 6

Desert Eagle: So, if a band breaks up and reforms with all the same members, why the fuck would they change their name? It’s the same goddamn band! This is forgivable though since they are awesome at almost everything. Except for naming bands and making great cd’s. Good though, still good. This is death metal, by the way. 7

Syrrok: An alright album for sure, but again nothing distinctive at all about this band. But I’m sure they “make music for themselves” as all “artists” do. Shitloads of double bass though. I’m easy to please (not really). 4

Violator: Chemical assault Violator: Chemical assault

5.4 /10

Lord K: Wanted: A band who knows thrash metal. Found: A band who fucken loves Nuclear Assault, Atrophy and Exodus. Result = Thank you. Thrash is fucking great! 8

Ripper Bendix: Oh hell YES! That’s the way you fucken do it, and that’s what I fucken want to fucken listen to. Old-School Thrash that wouldn’t get boring for me in a million fucken years. This album just saved me from jumping out of ZE WINDOW. 9

The Abyss: Trass til dess! Violator is all about the Thrash. The 80’s kind. The kind that used to be called speed metal, and for good reason. There’s been a huge resurgence in Thrash-bands lately and while Violator don’t deserve to be in the A-league doesn’t mean they’re bad. Just not good enough. Keep writing songs guys.4

Desert Eagle: Wow, this singer gets the Penis Award for sounding the most like a chick. Good job dude, way not to have balls. I think these guys listened to too much Slayer because they suck almost as much as Slayer does. Wait… no, this band is worse. 2

Syrrok: Thrash till death! So many Coors Light’s were drunk in the creation of this one. What I’m sure is an awesome band to see live absolutely blows when it comes to recording. Waaay too close to punk. The denim vest will not be passed on. 4

Martyr: Feeding the abscess Martyr: Feeding the abscess

5.4 /10

Lord K: A huge surprise. Not in a way that I mean it’s excellent or anything, I just didn’t think a band named “Martyr” could deliver something remotely good. There is a certain quality to what these guys do and the musicianship is absolutely (almost anyways) flawless. A nice surprise, even if it’s just a decent one at that. 6

Ripper Bendix: Could be better, could be worse… a whole lot fucken worse. Nice fucken skills, though. 6

The Abyss: Technically inclined songwriting from this Canadian band that has obviously listened more then once to Voivod and Meshuggah. I kinda like it but the bass is almost overpowering the other instruments at times. Annoying. This might be a grower but for now I’ll give it a: 5

Desert Eagle: Man, Canadians sure do love their technical death, don’t they? Almost every band that I like from Canada is of, or near, that genre. You can add these guys to the list too even though their bass sounds like farts. I suppose it’s better than sounding like queefs though. 8

Syrrok: Even with these guys are playing the Chicago Powerfest (2 of my fave things – Chicago and POWER!!!) I still can’t give these guys the nod. Whenever you hear the bassplayer going off on a tangent in the verse, you know yer in for some unnecessary sounds coming up yer ass. “Unnecessary” is a great word for this band. 2

Mnemic: Passenger Mnemic: Passenger

5.4 /10

Lord K: Striving for a bigger audience, “Passenger” is a nice effort for doing that. I still haven’t gotten the replies to the interview I sent 2 months ago so I should give them a 1, but Mnemic’s 2000-metal deserves better. More mainstream than before. Now, return my fucken interview, whores. 7

Ripper Bendix: Mnemic mnmake mnme mngo mnfunny mnin mnthe mnhead. 6

The Abyss: Too poppy, too sugary and not too interesting. Like a Soilwork-light with very little reason to exist. 3

Desert Eagle: What was their old singer’s last name? Was it “gay balls” or something? That shit is hilarious. All I can say is that this has all been done before and better. I can also say that I enjoy reading a good book. But I won’t. 6

Syrrok: The frog singer brings these guys a bit more street cred than the previous singer, who coincidentally looked like he just stepped out of Hot Topic and onto a heavy metal stage. That being said, I say this… they shouldn’t have fucked with the guitarsound. Do I blame this on Christian (Fear Factory)? I guess it doesn’t matter, but the tight guitarsound made these guys enjoyable for me. Now it’s murky and just not as radical. The songs follow that suite. Would love to see these guys live though. 5

Hearse: In these veins Hearse: In these veins

5.2 /10

Lord K: I don’t care if Liiva sang in Arch Enemy at one point, they turned into a better band without him. I don’t think that’s his “fault” alone, but those merits aren’t exactly rowing this boat into the shores by themselves. Entombed-ish and rock-ish, but by no means anything to fuck your bitch to. 5

Ripper Bendix: I bet I’m the only one not pointing out that the singer used to be in Arch Enemy, right? Whoops! 4

The Abyss: Melodic death, tons of great riffs, neat solos and groovy songwriting. Imagine a more melodic God Dethroned if you will, then pair it up with Johan Liiva’s mediocre growls and you’ve got a… pretty good album actually. The songs make up for Liiva’s limited range. 7

Desert Eagle: You know I remember reading somewhere that someone from Arch Enemy was saying that Johan was kicked out because his vocals weren’t intense or brutal enough and that Angela was far superior. Uhm… WTF? Johan is probably nine million times more brutal and intense so fuck that. And you know what else, this album is far superior to anything Arch Enemy has put out in a while. 8

Syrrok: Recorded in Koolag’s basement and it shows (I made that name up, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s in the band). Just a big bag of crappy image music. 2

Therion: Gothic kabbalah Therion: Gothic kabbalah

5/10

Lord K: The pompous compositions still reek of insanely weak riffs. Besides that, there’s alot of “Braveheart” suitable material. Is it metal? Not much. Is it good. At times. 5

Ripper Bendix: Kabbalah is for Madonna and other whores who have no fucken clue about what they are doing. Goth AND Kabbalah kinda combines the both of both hip-trend worlds. Just food for thought for Therion: your next album should be called Metrosexual Scientology. Good stuff though… mostly. 5

The Abyss: Christoffer’s love of Wagner and other melodramatic composers has never been as apparent as on “Gothic Kabbalah”. Just like “Lemuria/Sirius B” this is a thematic story and while the music is well crafted, as always. I sometimes feel like the lyrics and music don’t quite accompany each other. Good, but not as good as “Secrets of the runes”. 6

Desert Eagle: The have a song called “Tuna 1613”. Fail. The music on the other hand is… well, if you don’t know Therion by now, then fuck you. They have like 13 albums. How do you not know what they sound like? I refuse to describe it to you. 7

Syrrok: Therion enjoy their costumes and lackluster gothic metal. There are some interesting ideas on this album, especially with the keyboard/female vox, but it’s just too fucken boring really. Sometimes you wonder if these bands cheered up a bit perhaps they’d play faster and write some good thrash metal. 2

Disillusion: Gloria Disillusion: Gloria

4.6 /10

Lord K: The Within Temptation choirs and electronic elements are a nice addition to the mechanical metal of Disillusion. Now all they need is someone to fucken write better songs for them (and someone to re-do all the male vocals). And I hoped for this to be a full-on death metal assault. Yes, I’m literally crying as it’s fucken far from that. 4

Ripper Bendix: What the hell happened here? Disillusion used to be a fucken excellent fucken band. Get back on track, bitches! Or else… 4

The Abyss: I’m not quite sure what happened here but from the very ambitious and interesting “Back to times of splendor” there’s very little left for the casual fan of aforementioned album to salvage. What we’re served here is something akin to a mix of Rammstein, Nick Cave and some kind of modern goth. A far cry from the Opeth-like progressive flairs of yesterday. Disappointing. 3

Desert Eagle: Does every German singer end up sounding like the dude from Rammstein? ‘Cause this dude totally does. And when he’s not sounding like that dude he puts retarded effects on his voice that suck. And when he’s not doing that then he kind of sounds like the dude from System of a Down. Oh, and the music is weird progressive/industrial/metal. Yeah I know, right? 7

Syrrok: More good ideas, but this time based around a beat or two. Most of the time you get the silly electric stuff and with weird time signatures. There are few jams on this bitch that hold it together, in a way that Germans can only do. Alright guys, you fucken win. You get a 3rd listen. 5

Birdflesh: Mongo musicale Birdflesh: Mongo musicale

4.2 /10

Lord K: A change of moniker and a “fuck off” to the obvious humour (humour is not fucken metal) and bullshit within their songs and Birdpenis would get alot more attention and well deserved credit. It works though, if you can look pass the retarded approach. I’m not sure everybody can, though. 6

Ripper Bendix: Mongo indeed. What’s the deal with the fucken “fun” bands anyway? I mean, I love people who insert humour here and there but having silly jokes as the center of the whole concept kinda makes my penis go all flaccid and shit. 5

The Abyss: Tounge in cheek grindcore that manages to actually write good songs inbetween the lameish jokes. Entertaining but easily forgotten. 5

Desert Eagle: Apparently these dudes are a “hilarious grindcore” band. The humor doesn’t really come across very well if you can’t understand what the fuck he’s saying. Instead you just get really short songs with annoying “funny” parts. 4

Syrrok: They get points for having the balls to go with that moniker. But then those points are ripped out of their craws with their crappy riffs and boring music. Who did the VP of Dental Records suck-off on staff to get so many of their shit-bands on this month’s AA? 1

Profane Omen: Beaten into submission Profane Omen: Beaten into submission

3.6 /10

Lord K: I’m too fucken old or all this “metal” bullshit. Awesome moniker by the way. Someone get me a taxi really fucken fast… 4

Ripper Bendix: Beaten into submission? Must… resist… wank… joke… 2

The Abyss: Finnish aggro-thrash that has taken cues from bands like Pantera, Machine Head and old Sepultura and turned it into an album that while not too shabby fails to make any sort of impact on my memorybank. 4

Desert Eagle: So, this is basically modern rock. And by modern rock I mean 90’s modern rock. I almost hate it but it’s got some groove and there are some… uh… less than clean vocals, so I give it some props. 6

Syrrok: These kids look all of about 15 years old. Their moniker reflects that. Garage recordings all the way on this one. There are a few “gallop-ey” riffs that get me banging out some horns though. Riffs better left to the 80,000,000 other bands trying to sound like this. 2

Thesyre: Exist! Thesyre: Exist!

3.4 /10

Lord K: 1 song, 35 minutes… 2 faults out of 2. This doesn’t hold the fuck up even if there’s a few nice thrashy passages in here (and a fucken killer bass sound!). 4

Ripper Bendix: I think, therefore I am. I review, therefore you fail. If I wanted to listen to one 30 minute-something song in one go I’d listen to half of one certain Meshuggah shit album. Some parts aren’t bad, but I don’t really see a reason to make one
fucken song out of it. 3

The Abyss: I’m not sure how to classify this but when I’ve lost 15 minutes and never even realized the songs had changed I don’t think I give a toss. 4

Desert Eagle: This band is horrible and lame on countless levels. The worst level being 23. That’s the level with the fucking impossible boss. You can’t even dodge his attacks how the fuck are you supposed to beat him? What? Oh right, this is lame black metal for all you trve believers. 3

Syrrok: An “idealogical independent” band according to themselves. A dump truck full of nails and barf to me. Mid-tempo normal metal music with the bass tracked too high. 3

Trail Of Tears: Existentia Trail Of Tears: Existentia

3/10

Lord K: When I wanna listen to fuck-metal, I choose fucken Evanescence. 3

Ripper Bendix: Go… away! 2

The Abyss: This is almost the usual gothmetal romantic crap with growling guy and whining woman but with the exception that there’s a little better songwriting than usual. The singers don’t do much for me. 5

Desert Eagle: You know, color me surprised that a band named “Trail of Tears” is goth shit like this (I mention band names a lot so what? Bite me, motherfucker). So if you like radio-friendly gay crap, like K does, then you’ll probably eat this up. 3

Syrrok: Trail of spilt Dr. Pepper. To the trashcan with this one. 2

Killswitch Engage: As daylight dies Killswitch Engage: As daylight dies

2.8/10

Lord K: I like the tune “The end of heartache”. I still have to ask myself why. The Haunted are about to support these guys on a tour. I have to ask myself why. The vocals are still awesome, most of the material is definitely not. The same fucken American bullshit “metal” as always. I rather see the American bands try to rip off At The Gates, and fail (as always), than do this. They do the fast stuff, they do the semi-blast stuff and they try to be real metal at times, but all they end up being is easy listening that is nothing near aggressive nor heavy. 4

Ripper Bendix: Oh, come on, don’t try to fucken sell something you have no fucken clue of. 3

The Abyss: Living proof that the US metal-fans will listen to anything. Regurgitating Gothenburg-death with the most annoying singer this side of David Draiman in your ranks doesn’t exactly sound like an appealing mix does it? SO WHY THE FUCK ARE THESE GUYS SELLING ALBUMS?! Jesus wept… 2

Desert Eagle: I bet you think I like this band. Fuck you, I don’t like shit. You like shit. I’m sorry, that was weak. Like this shit album. 2

Syrrok: These guys are not very metal, and putting The Haunted on yer bill won’t make you any more metal. In fact, it will probably just show just how unmetal you are. But they make money I guess, and I imagine that’s all that matters. That and pop-farty choruses. 3

Born From Pain: War Born From Pain: War

2.6 /10

Lord K: If anyone thinks Born From Pain is an excellent metalcore band I’ll make it my mission to hunt them all (all 2 of them) down and kill them. With a fucken tea bag. And my penis. 3

Ripper Bendix: This morning I pushed out a fucken Lincoln log and it was definitely born from pain. The similarities don’t end there as you can probably imagine. 2

The Abyss: You know the drill; tough-guy metalcore that sounds like Hatebreed. The riffs are better then Hatebreed’s so this isn’t a complete pile of shit. It’s not my cup of tea though. Fuck Hatebreed. 3

Desert Eagle: Born from shitty hardcore. Generic to the god damn max, and my fucking headache is worse now. These assholes owe me some aspirin. I hope I was the only one to do the “Born from (something)” joke. I bet I wasn’t. 3

Syrrok: If I had a male vagina that constantly excreted wet farts, I’d call it “Born from Pain.” Anytime you see “aggressive breakdowns” in a bands bio you know their concerts are gonna be fucken bro-gasms. 2

Tristania: Illumination Tristania: Illumination

2.6 /10

Lord K: Everyone who tries to sound like Peter Steele needs to be fucked with an amusement park. Or Pete’s massive schlong. I hate goth. 3

Ripper Bendix: Saw them once as the opener for Nightfish. Nightfish blew them away, which wasn’t hard to do because Tristania have SO little musical weight that the only thing keeping them on stage is the weight of Vibeke’s fucking fishnet stockings. 2

The Abyss: Compared to Trail of Tears I’d say that this is gothmetal romantic crap with the added spice of being FUCKING BORING! Like wading knee deep in room full of custard. It never. Seems. To. End. 2

Desert Eagle: Nightfish version 2.0. Now with more vocal diversity. They actually do have an awesome song called “Lost”, but it ain’t on this cd. 4

Syrrok: Can we just stop with the black make-up, raven-haired seductress licking a sword thing? Just for fucken 5 minutes so you can concentrate on writing better tunes? If you make better music you’d afford yerself the opportunity to play all the D&D you want. 2