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Audio autopsy

Audio Autopsy - March 2009

03/03/09  ||  Global Domination

Tribulation: The horror Tribulation: The horror

7.25/10

Lord K: And Sweden reigns supreme again. Tribulation (you’ll never be forgiven for taking that moniker though – there is only one Tribulation and it’s not you) is somewhat praised by goatfuckers around the globe (well, make that “in small parts of Sweden) and it’s easy to see why. They have some nice Slayer-ish moments mixed into their old school death metal. And having all of these ingredients together with a nice production (with a too low bass, of course) absent of Pro-Tools (probably not, but hey) makes “The horror” the easy winner of this edition. Tribulation fucks the goat, in the ass. Without a condom. Dirty, dirty bunch of people, these ones… 8

Kampfar: Some idiot told me that Tribulation, now that lot is all about old-school death metal. Wrong, fuckwit. Sure, they do a nod towards said genre, style, whatever the fuck, but I’m not exactly thinking Entombed, Dismember, Unleashed, etc., whilst “The horror” is digitally spinning on my HDD. This is black/death with some interesting ideas, and also a couple of neat riffs, but I won’t spend anymore time on it. Again, too much meh. 6

Abyss: Really really good take on thrash, with a few hints of darker stuff in it. While not all songs are killer I can guarantee that you’ll find at least one great riff in each tune. 8

Seker: The horror, the horror… actually this isn’t bad, so I can’t make that joke. It’s not good either, so I don’t have to buy it! Picture death metal that really wants to be old school but doesn’t possess the requisite time machine, throw in some thrash, and you’ve got Tribulation. 7

Absu: Absu Absu: Absu

6.5/10

Lord K: We all know that America, the world police, haven’t been able to spawn one single fucken good black metal band during its sorry existence, right? Absu is, I guess, the closest we can come to a decent black (though these guys aren’t exactly a full on black assault) metal band. I was surprised that they actually made my head go up and down (I’m lying) so many times as it did. I guess that means they are actually doing something that could pass for decent. But so is fucking a goat. I heard. 6

Kampfar: Mythological occult metal, which is how Absu sums their music up in words, sound pretentious on level with an art-critic, on pure cocaine, raving on about the brilliance of what appears to be colors puked onto paper. The simple truth, however, sounds a lot less worse. This is quality black metal not afraid to take a couple of chances, as in stepping out of the genre, to keep shit interesting. And while the Americans do bore me at times, utter brilliance seldom at hand, “Absu” remains a sturdy release. 7

Abyss: Not too shabby American black metal, how’s that for an oxymoron? Well, it’s true. Absu have always maintained a surprisingly high standard, even when the production has wobbled a bit. On their eponymous album they finally have a sound that does the songs justice. Only problem is that with 12 full-length songs my mind kinda wanders after a while. 6

Seker: Absu are by far one of the best American black metal bands, but I’m not really feeling this album. It has some good riffs, the progressive things are a nice touch, but it’s not as over-the-top as past Absu efforts, and that was what made all of the other Absu albums so special: insane vocals, a million riffs per song, blazing speed… they always gave one hundred percent, and here it feels like they gave around seventy. It’s not a bad album by any means, and it’s definitely better than most of the other stuff in this AA, but I can’t hide my disappointment, especially considering that this is the follow up to “Tara”. 7

Cannibal Corpse: Evisceration plague Cannibal Corpse: Evisceration plague

6.25/10

Lord K: With the most irritatingly loud snare drum this side of the millennium, Cannibal Corpse return with an effort that sounds like any other Cannibal Corpse record as of late. I guess that’s a good thing, they were just never a band I squirted semen to on a regular basis, no matter the instrumental quality. “Hammer smashed face” still stands as the best tune in these guys’ catalog. And yes, I know that their trademark “blasts” are an integral part of their sound but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck as a blast. 7

Kampfar: The cannibalistic corpse is still very much at large, only a shame I’m not 12 anymore. I like, but fail to downright dig. 7

Abyss: Never been too crazy about this band, often their offspring have been more interesting and to the point. While anything Aeon has done kicks the CC ass on any given day, I must give the corpse an A for effort. The instrumentation is damn impressive but the songwriting are often left trailing in the dust. “Evisceration plague” has a nice slow plodding grove though. 5

Seker: If Cannibal Corpse didn’t have all the really gory imagery and lyrics, I doubt they would be anywhere near as popular as they are. They’ve always been one step behind in death metal innovation, taking what others pioneered and watering it down for mass consumption. This album, like most CC offerings, isn’t that bad when taken on its own: it’s got some decent riffs, it’s “brutal”, the production is a little over-polished but it’s not terrible. It’s when you listen to it in the context of every other death metal release that its mediocrity becomes apparent. If you liked “Kill”, you’ll enjoy this, but the rest of us would be better off listening to stuff like old Entombed or Suffocation records. 6

Konkhra: Nothing is sacred Konkhra: Nothing is sacred

5.5/10

Lord K: So, the Danes are back. Hooray. I can’t even find anything remotely funny to say about “Nothing is sacred” since it’s all bland, tedious, well-executed and completely not giving me anything at all. I say, fuck the goat, goat-fucker. 5

Kampfar: “Spit or swallow” is a damn fine piece of pounding, ballsy, and also catchy Danish death. Therefore I love it. “Nothing is sacred”, on the other hand, hasn’t secured a place in my heart just yet. But I most certainly like what I’m hearing. Still pounding, still ballsy, still catchy. I approve. 8

Abyss: I remember buying “Come down cold” by these Danes just because Per Möller Jensen played on it and I loved his work in The Haunted. I also remember being disappointed that it was nowhere near as good as The Haunted. Konkhra are still around and they still fail to elicit any sort of emotion or reaction from me other then “Next!”. 4

Seker: Hail to the king? Fuck you! You’re not Bruce Campbell; you’re just another boring death metal band in a sea of boring death metal bands. 5

Criminal: White hell Criminal: White hell

5.5/10

Lord K: It should be criminal (hey, get the pun? It’s right there for grabs, man. You know, the band is called “Criminal” and I just said… never mind. Fuck the goat again, bitch) to come across as this boring. Criminal play all of those second hand riffs most bands throw away after coming up with them in the rehearsal room. And they probably did it on purpose, which should be a crime (see, there’s another pun. Criminal and crime, you know… Go fuck a goat) in itself. Ok, so they can thrash at times? Well, so could Testament (at times) even when they were in the shittiest period of their career. This doesn’t mean they are any good, you know. There’s no denying Criminal’s got some highlights though. Check out some of the riffage in the tune “Crime and punishment”. 5

Kampfar: Some bands are criminally underrated, none of the ones signed to Metal Blade are. Not that this lot of modern thrashers hailing Chile as home are signed to Brian Slagel’s lifework anymore. Massacre Records, I just learned, is their new home. Very not interesting at all, and “White hell” isn’t exactly super interesting either. It sports a fair amount of good riffs, fine solos, a healthy amount of energy, you get the drift, but in the end here is still a bit too much of the meh. Well played and produced meh, sure, but still meh. Moo. 6

Abyss: All hail the mighty riff! Criminal worships it and you should too. Angry death/thrash just the way it’s meant to sound. Take The Crown minus the punk-vibe and you got Criminal. A given hit at any party. 7

Seker: Holy shit, people from Pentagram play in this band? Not the gay stoner band either, but the Chilean black metal band from the 80s… the only problem is that this is boring and modern “thrash” metal without the thrash. In other words, the opposite of everything Pentagram stood for. 4

Cattle Decapitation: The harvest floor Cattle Decapitation: The harvest floor

5.25/10

Lord K: Unlike Cannibal Corpse these guys at least got the blasts together the right way, if you know what I mean. What fucks up Cattle Decapitation though is the fact that they actually fucken bore me to tears most of the time. 4

Kampfar: “Humanure” is adorned by some of the best cover-art the poor excuse of life known as humanity ever saw. So is “Karma bloody karma”. And the tradition is steadfastly continued on “Harvest floor”. As for the music, well, not much have changed in that respect either. In other words, we are still talking grind with lyrics and imagery more brutal than the actual music. It fucking rips alright, just ask your grandmother, but this lot also includes something resembling melodies here and there. Insect Warfare never did that. Ugh! 7

Abyss: The vegetarian death dealers seem to have learned a new trick or two since their last album; both songs and the parts that make up them are more memorable. I’ll never tattoo their name on my forehead but they’re far from humanure. 6

Seker: Once again, Cattle Decap are trying to convince us to convert to veganism by way of gore metal. At least when Carcass did it, we got some great music out of the deal. This cleanly produced harvest of boring is almost painfully bland (in other words, it fits right in with the rest of the recent Metal Blade roster). 4

This Ending: Dead harvest This Ending: Dead harvest

5.25/10

Lord K: Debut album “Inside the machine” had some terrific moments so I definitely looked forward to this release. Once again Sweden proves that we rule everything when it comes to metal. Perhaps This Ending isn’t the greatest example of this, but they still kick all kinds of goatshit given the chance. The first album was better though. They can suck the goat but not fuck it. 6

Kampfar: This album is a really rather tame effort, melodic death thrash served with electronic garniture often ends up being so. I think. 5

Abyss: Some kinds of death metal you just know will sound much better live then on record, This Ending is definitely one of them. They skirt dangerously close to Soilwork-territory but there’s still enough metal in this concoction to make comparisons to Arch Enemy and The Duskfall more accurate. 6

Seker: Read my Deathstars review and replace the words “Swordmaster” with “A Canorous Quintet” and “EP” with “album”. 4

Throne Of Katarsis: Helvete - Det iskalde morket Throne Of Katarsis: Helvete – Det iskalde morket

4.75/10

Lord K: How could I know this would be the given winner of “The shittiest band in Audio Autopsy – March 2009” without even hearing it first? Actually, they are up there with The Blackout Suckfest when I think about it. Different styles, same suck. 1

Kampfar: The day after I first heard this album, I sent a text message to Grimnisse, mainman and founder, in which I told him that I thought of their latest as a rock solid piece of true Norwegian black metal. And I meant it. Here and now, however, I hear nothing but necro-treble. Fucking hell, I’ve obviously turned scizo all of a sudden. 6

Abyss: Imagine a fork and and a spoon tumbling around in a washing machine, that was my first reference when I heard Throne of Katarsis but I soon realised that it was mostly shock compared to the superslick and ultroproduced sound by Deathstars and Lamb of God. Grimnisse (!!!) and his friends aren’t that under-produced, but they definitely add some dirt and chips of bark to the dinner table. With four songs clocking in at a total of 53 min it’s safe to say that ToK go for the fucking epic approach to writing black metal and surprisingly enough it works quite well. For managing to keep me awake during 17 min of “Det iskalde morket” they get a piece of bark bread as thanks. 7

Seker: This is some okay black metal. Darkthrone is better, so just listen to “Panzerfaust” instead. 5

Lamb Of God: Wrath Lamb Of God: Wrath

4.75/10

Lord K: These guys have definitely made some memorable melodic pieces in the past, such as “Walk with me in hell” and some other fucken tune I can’t remember the title of. There are no such excellent songs on “Wrath”. The title is better than the material, the drummer is better than the material, the vocals are better than the material and last off; The Project hate MCMXCIX and Torture Division are way better than anything these guys ever wrote. That’s right, FUCK THE GOAT!!!! Lamb Of God is a good band though. Fuck’em. Lamb Of Goat. Haha. Fuck it. 6

Kampfar: I expected yet another American shitcore orchestra, but Lamb Of God, although not very fantastic, is quite far from being such a life draining experience. 95% of their material is blatantly stolen from other artists, such as Metallica, and the vocals are kind of annoying, yet I somehow manage to think of this effort as quite alright. Must be the drugs. 6,5 but since this is AA, it gets a: 7

Abyss: The LOGgers have always come of as very influenced by Pantera and Machine Head and various other american muscle-bands and on “Wrath” not much seem to have changed. There’s still very little variety to be found and subsequently, it’s hard to stay interested for 45 min. I know many people dig this band and good for them, but since I know there’s better music to spend money on, Lamb of God will just have to keep going without me. 4

Seker: Lamb of God shows me the wrath. I show them the inside of the recycle bin. Say hello to the Deathstars for me! 2

Dead Man's Hand: The combination Dead Man’s Hand: The combination

4.5/10

Lord K: Wake me up, here comes to shitstorm! Fuuuck, I am awake and I’m obviously forced to listen to Dead Man’s Penis. Lucky fucken me. Imagine tons of shit riffs, shit songs and some buckets of shit growls in between irritating screamier ones… Congrats, Dead Man’s Cumilkshake is here, spoiling your evening with some E-league thrash. Like you couldn’t guess with a moniker like “Dead Man’s Hand”. What the fuck. It’s bound to be made mockery of. 3

Kampfar: Dead Woman’s Vagina consists of 5 Norwegian metal musicians obviously into thrash sprinkled with a bit of death, a dash of melody, and also a tea-spoon’s worth of filth. I not at all feel like killing myself with a screwdriver while listening to what they have on offer, but I do feel, and also know, that they have more than just a couple of miles to venture before I start singing praise to their silly name. 6

Abyss: Take almost everything I wrote about Criminal only reduce the thrash with 5% an raise the death metal with 10% and you’re spot on. But despite their similarities DMH falls short compared to Criminal and that is down to one thing. Criminal sounds like they’re about to keel over and die with every riff, DMH are not. 5

Seker: I’m getting kinda tired of this modern metal bullshit. How many boring riffs can you write? It doesn’t matter, because no one is fucking paying attention. The music is well-played, but that’s about all you can say. 4

Deathstars: Night electric night Deathstars: Night electric night

4/10

Lord K: I hate everything Deathstars and I haven’t even heard them up until now, I think. Ok, time to re-evaluate my opinion since what these poseurs are creating is some quite ok non-metal with shitloads of keyboards and whatnot. I get Depeche Mode vibes (not that I ever heard them, I’m fucken metal, you know) at times in the midst of some Pain-ish material here and there, spiced up with some really Clawfinger-ish vocals occasionally. Yeah, this all sounds weird in text, but it makes sense when you listen to it. Deathstars actually got this cheese factory down. It hurts me to admit that these synthetic penises actually are among the better ones in this edition. Fuck the goat for that. Too. 7

Kampfar: This bunch of twats are dressed up to look like gay SS officers from space, but they sound exclusively gay. Gay as in: gothic-emo-depressed. If a mix of Marilyn Manson and The Kovenant sounds like a neat idea to you, get the fuck out of here. 2

Abyss: I used to hate this band, part of me still does. Or at least, still wishes it could hate them. But just like Hardcore Superstars, which I used to loath until ““Dreaming in a casket”, I’m forced to admit that Deathstars latest album fucking sticks in my head. At least 3-4 songs which is about 5 more then I could tolerate previously. “Night electric night” and “Via the end” are both damn good songs. Unfortunately the band has trouble keeping their own mix of Rammstein-marching and Tiamat-gothrock varied enough to last very long. That said, just them being able to make me give a score higher then 4 is an achievement. 5

Seker: Reform Swordmaster and develop the sound you had on your first EP. Then we’ll talk business. 2

Escutcheon: Battle order Escutcheon: Battle order

4/10

Lord K: Want absolutely horrible melodic semi-black metal? Look no further. I’ll keep looking for other things. One of them is gonorrhea. And a goat to fuck. 2

Kampfar: Amon Amarth is about 48 times better than this Dutch, and also boring, quintet. Give up the ghost already. 2

Abyss: Escutcheon sure takes me back to the 90’s. If it weren’t for the fact that I was barely aware of metal then, but I’m taking about the sound of the bands then. This is a mix of the melodic black metal (sling-black for you swedes) Dissection and Naglfar dished out mixed together with the early Gothenburg-sounding death bands like Eucharist and Edge of sanity, While it may be a decade too late and have definitely lost the whiff of freshness along the way, this isn’t really terrible. just sort of redundant. A nice piece of nostalgia, down even to the production, but not much more. 5

Seker: Holy shit, something that doesn’t absolutely suck! Holy shit, a guitar sound that actually sounds like a guitar and not the Fruity Loops guitar synth! Holy shit, I’ve heard this stuff before, and it was called Unanimated, but I guess this is okay! Holy shit, it gets a: 7

Chaoswave: Dead eye dreaming Chaoswave: Dead eye dreaming

2.5/10

Lord K: This is all you need to read, you cum-guzzling metal wannabe who doesn’t know how to fuck the goat. 3

Kampfar: So, exactly where is the fucking chaos? Nowhere to be found is the answer, so I scream to them here Danes: You bunch of filthy liars! Yeah, yeah, you could probably play better stuff on your pubic hairs than I could on even the dearest of instruments, but my farts are still of a much more interesting nature than your heavy metal with socks in its pants. And will be so to the very end of time. This is what proper, Muhammed drawing Danes speak of as spasser metal. 3

Abyss: This shit just have to be Finnish… Jebus Christ this is awful on so many levels. Stay the fuck away. 2

Seker: The only thing worse than Lacuna Coil is a band trying to be Lacuna Coil and failing. 2

Ephel Duath: Through my dog's eyes Ephel Duath: Through my dog’s eyes

2.25/10

Lord K: What. The. Fuck? This album must have come right thru my cat’s ass. 2

Kampfar: I once played “A Dog’s Life” on PS2. It was a strange game, very so, but still a lot less, and then a lot more less, pretentious and fucking try hard than this here stinking Brie named “Through my dog’s eyes”. This is not an album, it is cheese glazed with canine sperm. 3

Abyss: About a dog? A concept album about a fucking dog? You’re fucking kidding me?! Fuck off. 1

Seker: No one cares about your damn dog, you pretentious piece of shit! 3

The Blackout Argument: Remedies The Blackout Argument: Remedies

1/10

Lord K: I just had a blackout argument with myself as for how I should destroy this cd. I came to the conclusion that the most fair way would be to hack it to pieces with Cannibal Corpse’s collective penis. Fuck off forever, you will never fuck the goat. The Blackout Argument, my fucken vagina. Die. 1

Kampfar: This shit band sounds as if unable to win an argument against anyone, that including a Siamese twin with Downs. As for the music, think an anaemic version of Killswitch Engage shorter on talent than a decapitated midget shot up on heroine. And the suckage knows as emo is of course very present. Fuck off. 1

Abyss: Lemme guess: Lifeforce Records? Bingo. And you all know what that means right? Whiny emo-screamo-nemo bullshit fucking crap. I’d like to take a drillbit to each and every person working at Lifeforce and don’t stop drilling until I can feel the cranium rupturing on both sides. I hate you all so fucking much for making me listen through your drivel for god knows how many hours with your no-good sucktastic armada of never ending shit bands. Die. 1

Seker: I wish there was a blackout right now so my computer would turn off and I wouldn’t have to listen to this. 1