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Audio autopsy

Audio Autopsy - March 2011

01/03/11  ||  Global Domination

Ulcerate: The destroyers of all Ulcerate: The destroyers of all

7.4/10

Lord K: Technical idiot death metal on all accounts. This music craves a lot from you as a listener, and I’m not sure I have the strength to give them the time they need (and perhaps deserve). But it sure is impressive (and computerized). 6

InquisitorGeneralis: There are some legitimate reasons for the amount of praise this band gets ‘round these parts. This is definitely some interesting techdeath with some doom and progressive elements. Confessor comes to mind. This is some killer shit. 8

Habakuk: Immolate, congregate, Ulcerate! Dark, menacing and hard-to-digest death metal that completely goes against all my AA listening habits. You really have to devote some time for this to take full effect. 8

CadenZ: Now we’re talking. What a beast of a record. Chaotic and cataclysmic, bleak and beautiful, brutal and bold. If you take all the best ingredients of depressive and introvert post-metal and cast ‘em in a death metal mold, you get “The Destroyers of All”. An early candidate for album of the year. 9

Altmer: Is this technical death metal? If so, I don’t know what to make of it. It’s not bad, but I can’t see this record taking over my CD player. This music is just too there. Not bad, not excellent, just on the passable side of in between. That’s a horrible place to be stuck in: good enough to avoid the noose, but not good enough to be loved. By me, that is. Which is all that counts. 6

Bullet: Highway pirates Bullet: Highway pirates

6.6/10

Lord K: I think it’s safe to say that never was there a band who so successfully managed to rip off AC/DC and Accept and get away with it. Bullet are Swedes and once again prove that we not only rule the more brutal part of the metal scene, but also the hardrock one. And yes, I know these guys quite a bit and what they present on “Highway pirates” (and the older albums) is straight-from-the-heart music. No gimmick to be found here. You gotta applaud that. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: What is up with all of this Swedish post-hair metal bullshit? There is nothing here that was not done a fuck of a lot better on “Out of the Cellar” and “Appetite for Destruction”. 3

Habakuk: For some reason, hysterical screaming works pretty well with AC/DC imitation. Airbourne have a new contender for the clone-throne. “Iiyyahhaaaaarr!” 8

CadenZ: Metal? Metal. Rock? Rock. Party? Party. Booze? Booze. Good? Good. 8

Altmer: AC/DC light with better songs and a shittier singer. They do not know what variation is in any way. It’s the same decent song sung 11 times over. I suppose if you like this style, that’s good. It’s not entirely my thing, but I can live with it. Quite a bit even. 7

Sodom: In war and pieces Sodom: In war and pieces

6.2/10

Lord K: “Knarrenheinz” is a fantastic title. I imagine it being something flowing out of your arsehole on a hungover Sunday. Sodom’s not released anything awesome except for “Agent Orange” a few hundred years ago, but “In war and feces” sounds more vital than you’d ever think considering these guys are like 400 years old. If this was an album released by a completely unknown band, we would all label it some complete shit. But now when it’s Sodom and we know they are older than semen, we are a bit impressed. I say “we” but I mean “you”. I am never impressed. By anything. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: Less weak thrashing and more heavy grooves make this an enjoyable surprise. This record has rekindled my interesting in Sodom, and being sodomized in general. 7

Habakuk: I am highly impressed. With a decidedly heavy take on thrash and lots of awesome guitar hooks, these old fucks show they still have it. Sodom probably are the only German old school thrash band still deserving to be heard. 8

CadenZ: So, Sodom is back with a new album. What do you think it could possibly sound like? Yes. You are completely right. Trip hop with some shoegaze thrown in. All sung with a strong Jamaican accent. Guest appearance by P. Diddy. No, I’m not shittin’ ya. 5

Altmer: Like Legion of the Damned, this older German thrash band is one of those that has always been of the B-grade. This album continues that tradition: it’s not bad whatsoever, but it doesn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy inside while listening to it, just like their previous work doesn’t interest me. They’re at least slightly more original and well-produced than Legion of the Damned though, which means their grade is higher accordingly. 6

Belphegor: Blood magick necromance Belphegor: Blood magick necromance

6/10

Lord K: Obviously a quality act, Belphegor still won’t succeed in getting my full attention. Some of the stuff on here is incredibly weak and redundant while some is downright killer. Dark Funeral are masters at creating melodic black metal with a wicked aura surrounding it. At times Belphegor try to do the same, but fail in the process. I don’t know if it’s the fact that they incorporate thrashier riffs into the mix at times, but the atmosphere as a whole suffers from it and prevents this album to become anything more than your regular disc of death’n‘black. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: Nothing about Belphegor’s mix of black metal has ever had an impact on me, except for a few killer album covers. This is well-done but unexciting stuff. Behemoth has mastered this chamber of Shaolin. 4

Habakuk: I’ve known about this band forever, but never actually heard anything. Actually their black/death isn’t bad in the slightest, but still some other bands do it better and without any cheesy German sadomasochism lyrics. 7

CadenZ: Although not a big fan of this band’s previous efforts, I can’t deny the quality of this relentless slab of blackened death. Refreshingly to-the-point and brutal. 7

Altmer: Behemoth lite, really. Some technical groovy sections mixed with a lot of melodic black metal and a fuckload of blast beats comprise this well above average disc. It’s not the most original band I’ve ever heard, but for what it is, it’s pretty good. Behemoth are better, though. 7

Legion Of The Damned: Descent into chaos Legion Of The Damned: Descent into chaos

4.8/10

Lord K: A complete quality effort on all accounts, but also as anonymous as you can imagine. Thrashy year 2000 metal that sounds every bit as soulless as expected with the irritating tom sound to accompany it. I need to play me some good old Kreator. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: Legion of the Decent Blackened Thrashy Metal. There is nothing new or original here, but this stands way above most of the shit this month. 6

Habakuk: The worst thing you can do to thrash is to make it formulaic and lifeless. Legion of the Same have spent their career aligning decent shredding in one long row. What does that tell us about them? 5

CadenZ: Dull, duller, Legion of the Damned. The same recycled riffs are rotated once fucken more and the Circle of Shit is complete. If you have no intention of making anything not done by someone else already – please go and fuck yerselves. With a hamster. 3

Altmer: B-grade thrash. These guys sure don’t want the originality award. Stealing Slayer riffs is so fun! 5

Magnum: The visitation Magnum: The visitation

4.6/10

Lord K: Magnum?! MAGNUM?! Someone must have been on serious amounts of crack to include fucken Magnum in Audio Autopsy, and get away with it (hey, don’t look at me – I’m still just running this shit). And the saddest part of it all is that it’s not as fucken horrible as one would think. Well, I am not sending fan mail to these fuckos anytime soon, but hey – it works for what it is. They should have named the album “The visitation… OF MY ANUS!”. Just becoz it’s a great title. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: The only magnum is need is the rubber one that covers my moderately-sized cock in order to prevent me from having any more fucking kids. This sounds like Rainbow if Rainbow totally sucked. What’s with all of the shit rock this month? 2

Habakuk: Surprise of the month, but more than half of this soft cake rock is actually good, despite (or because of?) giving me a bit of a rockish Queen vibe. Except for some homo-erotic moments, the rest is listenable as well, so I’ll have to hand out a bedazzled: 7.

CadenZ: A cheese with too many holes in it. Still, it’s cheese. Cheese is goooood. Yummy-yummy-yum-yum. 5

Altmer: Could have been worse. It’s a bit meek, but then again I expected hard rock cheese. There’s some of that, there’s some more proggy moments and the singer is very good. Didn’t he guest on an Ayreon album once? If so this album gets a bonus point. It’s at the very least, a lot better than I thought it was going to be. And that can only be a good thing. 6

Battlelore: Doombound Battlelore: Doombound

4.6/10

Lord K: These guys’ last album completely surprised me. Why? I expected total bullshit fantasy metal with zero substance. While these idiots still look like something taken out of a B-movie, their music more than makes up for it and has me forgetting about their silly looks and eventual concept. Orchestrated cheese metal with a decent, non-aggressive female voice on top of it (together with some decent manlier grunts) makes for quite an interesting listen. I just wish some of the hideous power metal vibes weren’t as evident and that they actually shat out some more brutal moments every now and then. Still, Battlelore is a hella lot better than anyone would think by just looking at them. Appearance can be deceiving. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: Good guitars cannot make up for cheesy clean vocals and increasingly derivative broadside-bromance lyrical content. This is what Amon Amarth would sound like if they were gay. 4

Habakuk: The chick can sing, the rest can copy Ensiferum’s soft moments wearing fake elf ears. Pass. 5

CadenZ: Synth-heavy fantasy metal with vocals courtesy of 1. a girl who sings through her nose and 2. a guy with an Olympic gold medal in hoarseness, unstable intonation and general suckage. Some cool riffs save Battlesnore from demise. 3

Altmer: Weak ass male vocals combined with tittays. I think I know where this one is from: Finland. I think this type of metal is supposed to be happier actually, though, isn’t it? It doesn’t sound like unicorns dancing, unless it’s their last waltz? Well, elven tears be cried, this reminds me of a shittier, overproduced version of Summoning. There are good parts here and there, and some of the things give us that epic vibe, but a lot of it just doesn’t work. If you enjoy this type of stuff, reach for Turisas instead. 4

Deadlock: Bizarro world Deadlock: Bizarro world

4.2/10

Lord K: Deadlock’s one of the better bands I have heard over the last years. Modern Pro-Tools metal executed with surgical precision and excellent musicianship, finally topped off with the amazing vocals by Sabine – the pride and joy of the band. Yes, they have a male growler too but we’ll try to look past that the best we can. These guys deserve so much more attention since they are a fresh breeze of air in the asshole stench that is the metal scene of today. 8

InquisitorGeneralis: Wow, who knew overproduced female-fronted metalcore could suck so bad? Oh, wait… I did. 2

Habakuk: A great and unique female singer alone a great and unique band does not make. Try songwriting. 6

CadenZ: Technical melodeath turns into polished emo pop? What the fuck is this?! It’s fucken Bizarro, that’s what it is. 2

Altmer: This resembles Paramore with guitar distortion and absolutely shitty metalcore vocals/influence. K likes the chick’s voice, no doubt, but this is some first class “fuck you” material. This band can’t be saved by tits alone. And trust me, many things can. 3

Full Blown Chaos: Full blown chaos Full Blown Chaos: Full blown chaos

3.8/10

Lord K: Tough-guy metal incoming! I never heard these guys before but they are better than one would give them credit for considering the well-placed “tough-guy metal” tag. We all know that this type of music (originated in the US of Asshole) is usually a pain in the cunt to listen to. Weak riffs, screamy vocals, breakdowns and boredom is the norm. Full Blown Penis is not too different from the formula, but they have a few things going for them, even if they are not too many. Minus points for naming a track “Doomageddon”. The album cover is real nice though. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: Pantera called, they want to kick your ass for being posers. Yuck. 3

Habakuk: Why is this album so goddamn long? I really do have a soft spot for NYHC, but Mr. Mediocre over my shoulder tells me I’m pushing it here with my chu-chu-chug- 6

CadenZ: Yo dawg I herd you like breakdowns so we put a breakdown in yo breakdown so you can breakdown while u break down 3

Altmer: Full Blown Suckage. If little brother thrash/groove with bad vocals interests you, indulge. If not, stay far away. Far fucken away since this is an atrocity. 3

Sparzanza: Folie á cinq Sparzanza: Folie á cinq

3.6/10

Lord K: WTF? This is not black metal! It’s not the first time I mix these guys up with Spazmosity, I reckon. Sparzanza (is a shit name) aim for the charts but I’m not sure they’ll ever get there. Perhaps they can get some airplay on Swedish Bandit Radio, and that’s that. They do their stuff well but it’s ultimately quite tiring radio rock. Closer “The reckoning”‘s got a nice opening riff that could have been on a Bolt Thrower album though. That’s the best ting about this whole disc. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: More boring hard rock from the land that is supposed to be grim and evil. Sweden, take care of this bullshit please. With a shotgun. 3

Habakuk: Chick rock without the chick. Redundanza! 4

CadenZ: Here ya go. For you fucks who are too lazy to click, I’ll just sum the review up in the greatest of words found therein: penises. That’s right. Penises. 3

Altmer: “I don’t quite understand what’s wrong”. You playing this subpar of Stone Sour alt metal is what’s wrong, you boring set of grunge riff nickers. Fuck you. Or, if we want to use the stupid title’s lingo: “Je m’en bats les couilles”. How’s that for knowing one’s languages? 4

Sirenia: The enigma of life Sirenia: The enigma of life

3.2/10

Lord K: Sirenia play Toys’R‘Us metal with tons of silly orchestrations and some ok vocals by the random cunt. This is seriously some really, really weak attempt at creating music perfected by bands like Within Temptation and whatnot. I have the following to say as a conclusion, taken from the hero known as Georges St. Pierre. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: More orchestral vagina metal that needs to go right into the fire. Or be soaked up with a tampon. 2

Habakuk: So for every good band in AA, we need one chick metal band or what? If I were fat, fourteen and female I’d like this and dress like a sausage in gothic dresses. 4

CadenZ: If I had the choice to either A) never listen to this feces-fest again or B) endure through it one more time, but get rewarded by receiving a blowjob from Angelina Jolie, I’d be hard put to make the right choice. Actually, I’d just be hard. And that’d give me my choice. And it would be the right one. And here’s the fucken score. 2

Altmer: This is better than Deadlock, Theatre des Vampires and Battlelore in this month’s “tit goth metal” competition. If these guys and girls want an award for that, they can come get it. They still suck, by the way. 4

Theatres Des Vampires: Moonlight waltz Theatres Des Vampires: Moonlight waltz

3/10

Lord K: Come on everyone – GET THE DILDOS!!! We are in for some seriously homosexual music with this one. But if this band is gay in a George Michael kind of way, Stratovarius (somewhere on this list) is a legion of full blown fudge packers, meaning TVD passes for being a hella lot more bearable. Despite the absolute gayness. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: No. Fucken. Way. Get this violin power proggo puke out of my Audio Autopsy! 2

Habakuk: Yeah, I was getting fed up with all these positive surprises anyway. 2

CadenZ: That’s it, I’ve had it with these fucken vampires. Vampires, vampires, vampires fucken everywhere; vampire movies (that suck), vampire TV series (that suck) and now, apparently, vampire bands as well. That fucken suck. It’s noteworthy that neither of these vampenises suck the good way (blood). They suck the bad way (fermented goat rectums). If you guessed that TdV hail from Italy and play gothic metal with synths and chick vox, you’d not be off the mark. You’d be fucking the mark in its stinky fucken ass. The best thing about this record is Snowy Shaw’s guest input, but alas – 20 seconds does not a good album make. 3

Altmer: Non merci. I prefer actual music over this tit-goth-pretense shitfest. Who the fuck actually buys this record? It’s bad enough someone wanted to record it. 3

Stratovarius: Elysium Stratovarius: Elysium

2.2/10

Lord K: Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: Please, please stop making new albums. I hate this type of power/symphonic bullshit with all of my heart. 2

Habakuk: If you thought gay power metal was just a cliché, listen to this. Fuck! 1

CadenZ: What surprises me the most is that still, after soon-to-be two decades fronting a band with lyrics exclusively written in English, Kotipelto’s pronunciation is still on par with a Chilean mountain lion’s. What surprises me the least is that Strap-on-varius still suck. 2

Altmer: What the fuck is up with the singer? Did he sustain some very impressive cold? Fuck you. Nice Dream Theater ripping in the first song, too. Pity this is Stratovarius, so they can’t do it properly. And they are actually better now that the Fat One doesn’t walk among them. Still, this album leaves me with a feeling of “Are you Tolkki to me?????” The answer is “I fucking hope not”. 4