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Audio autopsy

Audio Autopsy - November 2010

01/11/10  ||  Global Domination

Hail Of Bullets: On divine winds Hail Of Bullets: On divine winds

7.7/10

Lord K: Just listen to album closer “To bear the unbearable” and you’ll understand that HOB are destined for major success. Martin van Drunen and his gang are bringing the shit big-time. 8

InquisitorGeneralis: A bit more variety, a bit more spunk, and some great songs about those whacky, suicidal Japanese make this the album that finally makes me a fan of the Ed Warby and the Hailers. Solid death metal for sure but nothing here in new or original department. The best record I have heard from them yet. 7

Habakuk: Another enjoyable slab of Asphyx worship, but it’s definitely giving me a “more of the same” vibe. “Tokyo Napalm Holocaust” takes the cake for best song title of this edition, plus kudos for incorporating the “Lost souls domain” intro. 7

Trauma: The winner of this edition. Far more interesting than the first go around and flows better as an album, even if it might not have the “hits”. 8

CadenZ: You know the times when you get attacked by Japanese Kamikazes, screeching while they dive through the air, eagerly awaiting the collision that will end both of your lives, while hammering guns disintegrate your surroundings into pulp and dust? This is the soundtrack to those precious moments. Full coverage here. 8

theProphet (guest): When I listened through “…Of Frost and War”, and I might get ostracized for saying this, van Drunen’s vocals totally ruined this band for me. Imagine my astonishment then, when it turns out that “On Divine Winds” is totally fucking awesome. I don’t know what happened! I mean, his vocals still irks me a wee bit, but this is some seriously great fucking death metal! Facebreaker is this month’s winner for me, but since this is AA, Hail of Bullets gets the same score! 8

Facebreaker: Infected Facebreaker: Infected

7.2/10

Lord K: One of Sweden’s (and the world’s) best death metal bands are back with a vengeance. “Infected” is not as immediately striking as masterpiece “Dead, rotten and hungry”, but it still pisses gasoline, vinegar and wrath on most of the competition of today. 8

InquisitorGeneralis: Lord K would have this band’s babies if he could. Just like another band that giant misanthrope fawns all over, Seance, this fails to completely blow my dick away. However, there are some genuinely awesome heavy moments on here. If you like Grave, Nominom, and Kaamos you will definitely like this. However, you also will have heard it before. You need to get out more. 6

Habakuk: This sounds like a Swedified, sped-up version of Bolt Thrower, which are awesome. Mjölk Thrower are alright, but sound like many others. 7

Trauma: Dear Torture Division, we hear you guys like to think you’re the best death metal in the world. Well, let us just say that we disagree. And if you listen to this new album, we’ll show that we’re quite serious about that statement. However, you might want to include our first album as well, just in case. 7

CadenZ: Breaking someone’s face is easy. Just put on this record. 7

theProphet (guest): “Dead, Rotten and Hungry” was a horrific, shambling monstrosity of a death metal album, and once again Facebreaker manages to deliver. “Infected” evokes images of an implacable legion of the walking dead. A ponderous, yet unstoppable, force that will grind any opposition into a gory paste through sheer mindless power and consistency. A special mention must go to Roberth Karlsson, who is one of the best growlers in the world. 8

Dimmu Borgir: Abrahadabra Dimmu Borgir: Abrahadabra

5.5/10

Lord K: “Gateways” is still a fantastic tune and single-handedly the highlight of this album. I don’t know how much black metal this could be considered to be, but damn fine orchestral metal it is. It feels like most of the black went out in favor for white, and I don’t just refer to the recent promo shots but also to the lack of evil present in today’s Dimmu Borgir. Then again – were these guys ever evil? 7

InquisitorGeneralis: This is black metal for American kids who play too much “WoW” and don’t get enough pussy. Daray kicks ass on the drums. That is about all I like here. The keyboards and symphonic shit just kills it every time. “Chess with the abyss” as a song title. You’re kidding right? On this I will piss. 3

Habakuk: Fairly good at what it’s supposed to be, but operatic whatever-metal isn’t exactly my cup of tea. 6

Trauma: Much better than I thought overall. Still doesn’t mean I think this is the best thing this side of a cockpuke milkshake. 5

CadenZ: Grandiose and well-produced, with the occasional glimpse of genius. Too bad big parts of the album are just merely “good”, ‘cause otherwise this could’ve been as awesome a record as could be created in this genre. Full coverage here. 8

theProphet (guest): So there’s a new Dimmu album out? Ha ha, wow, that’s sure is one stupid motherfucking album cover! Okay let’s see what we’ve got here.. “Xibir”? What the fuck is… ZZZZZzzzzzzzzZzZZZzzz… Huh? Must have dozed off for a minute… Did I pop Valium earlier today? Nope, it was just “Abrahadabra”… 4

Volbeat: Beyond hell/above heaven Volbeat: Beyond hell/above heaven

5.3/10

Lord K: They are huge now, these Danes. And I don’t think we have seen the end of their success yet. This album didn’t click with me right away like alot of their older material did upon a first listen, but it feels like this is a grower. Napalm Death’s Barney’s input in “Evelyn” feels kinda off though. And let’s face it, without Michael’s vocals Volbeat wouldn’t be worth shit. Good thing he is singing then coz he’s doing it just great. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: Good tunes with stupid-as-fuck vocals. Elvis and Danzig already did this shit. Still, the songs are pretty solid and like the band’s sound. This is best stuff I have heard from them so not a total waste of my time. 5

Habakuk: In this edition, this is the only band that sounds distinct as well as good. And Barney’s guest part is ace. 8

Trauma: This is good if you like the same chorus over and over again. The first half is solid enough, and then it just goes all “WTF?” and repeats the same things you heard earlier. It’s a shame, because they can write catchy choruses, but they may not have it in themselves any longer. 6

CadenZ: ow many synonyms do you know for ‘shit’? Well, let’s see… Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat, Volbeat and Volbeat. Well fuck me sideways, that’s an impressive 18! I’m quite the linguist. 2

theProphet (guest): Hearing what people say about these guys, you’d get the impression that Volbeat are the bee’s knees. Allow me to disagree. The riffage and overall songwriting is okay on “Above Heaven Beyond Hell” I suppose, but the vocalist needs to fucking die. The production is very good and fits the streamlined songs and mass appeal format, but together with the incredibly irksome singing, as well as the unbelievable stupid lyrics and asinine hooks, it’s basically the aural equivalent of putting lipstick on a leper. 4

Death Angel: Relentless retribution Death Angel: Relentless retribution

5/10

Lord K: Sure, their debut holds a few moments of decent thrash, but as a whole these fuckos will always be in the lesser levels of great bands. “Relentless retribution” is competent as expected but also incredibly anonymous and boring. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: Not a bad effort by these long-running thrashers. The vocals get pretty rough though as border on power…which is bad news. However, the band is tight and most of the stuff on here is enjoyable, but uninspired, thrash. The Haunted made this record ten years ago. There are some excellent moments, especially during the guitar solos. Still, give me “Act III” please.6

Habakuk: This is like a conversation between modern Exodus and modern Destruction about how redundant they’ve become. A few decent intro riffs, but that’s all. And get rid of the clean Nickelback-voice that comes up again and again. 5

Trauma: Why this band continues is beyond me. Act III was marginally good, and vocalist is still the best part… at least in this current period. 4

CadenZ: Thrash metal by all means thrash metal. Quite good for such a one-minded album. Plus points for the more melodic parts which contrast to the otherwise mindless… sorry, relentless bashing. The acoustic outro of “Claws In So Deep” alone garners one extra point. 7

theProphet (guest): I never really got into thrash much. While the riffing is cool, the vocals always ruined it for me. However, one of the few thrash albums I really like is “Darkness Descends”, and I gotta say that “Relentless Retribution” doesn’t live up to that previous material at… wait, that was Dark Angel? Well I guess it all makes sense then. 4

Stone Sour: Audio secrecy Stone Sour: Audio secrecy

4.8/10

Lord K: Corey Taylor was never a particularly good singer, I think we can all agree on that. But for some reason his vocals still work, and it’s irritating. I will never be a Stone Sour fan though. Stone Sour’s got nothing on Slipknot even if they obviously know what they are doing on “Audio secrecy”. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: I liked the first Sour Patch Kids record and I am admittedly a fan of Slipknot. This, however, is kind of shitty because it goes way too far into a mainstream radio rock sound. The piano intro is probably my favorite thing on here. There are a few decent grooves to be found, but nothing memorable. 4

Habakuk: Slightly better than the rest of the half-assed, catchy modern stuff in this edition. Still bad. 4

Trauma: Meh. 5

CadenZ: Enjoyable disc with easy-to-swallow rock. Luckily for the SS’s, I’m not a spitter. At least if I’m being offered quality goods. Full coverage here. 7

theProphet (guest): I always thought that Corey Taylor was an awesome vocalist, but for some reason I never really got into Stone Sour. I mean, it’s just so goddamn bland and non-threatening! Corey, because let’s face it, who the fuck cares about the other guys, used to have a ferocious bellowing scream but he never uses it here, instead you get abundant clean singing which, as it turns out, only really works when it’s used as a sparse contrast to him sounding like a wounded animal. Fuck it, I mean plainly speaking, this is basically a slightly rougher Nickelback. Grow some balls. 4

Flotsam And Jetsam: The cold Flotsam And Jetsam: The cold

4.7/10

Lord K: Much like Death Angel, The Flots is a band of the past, always destined to be dwelling in the B or C leagues of Teh Metuhl. These guys’ biggest achievement will forever be giving Jason Newsted to Metallica. Poor man’s thrash metal – no thanks. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: Just like their fellow geriatric thrashers Death Angel, Farts and Shits on Him feature high-pitched vocals that just don’t click with me. However, Death Angel the band is still putting out interesting songs. Floppsy and Moppsy (my childhood bunnies rabbits) is not. This gets thrown overboard with the rest of the shit and garbage. Next. 4

Habakuk: WHAT? There’s no way in hell these guys made “Doomsday for the deceiver”. What’s this supposed to be, a bad version of Queensrÿche? 3

Trauma: This is actually very good considering they were never much to write home about before. Lyrics were a bit off to me at first but eventually it all settled in okay. 6

CadenZ: The fuckos with one of the weirdest band names in recorded history surprise me immensely with not sucking too much at all. Enjoyable thrash metal in the Nevermore vein, only better. 7

theProphet (guest): Some good riffs here and there but really? Just another one of those skull shatteringly adequate albums that doesn’t suck the love baton but doesn’t really justify it’s existence in any way except for managing to not be completely awful. “The Cold” is the polar opposite of “essential”. 4

Bad Religion: The dissent of man Bad Religion: The dissent of man

4.2/10

Lord K: I was a huge fan of “Against the grain” back in the day. The only thing that has changed with Bad Religion during all these years is the fact they have gotten better productions. Their style is intact and they still know how to write catchy music that will brighten up any lousy day you might be having becoz your boyfriend broke up with you, fag. 7

InquisitorGeneralis: I liked some Bad Religion way back when. Hell, I even like the song “Bad religion” by Godsmack. However, the days of me listening to punk are for the most part over with and this is not going to get me going again. Unfortunately, it seems like Bad Religion is moving towards a more melodic, pop-punk style. Maybe they have always sounded like this? I can’t remember. This along with 99% of punk music is not for me. That I know for sure. 4

Habakuk: Da-da-da-la-di-da-la-la-la, bompa-dompa-dompdomm, da-da-da… Mall punk bearable in very small doses. By girls. 3

Trauma: Not only are they bad religion, they are even more terrible music. 2

CadenZ: A couple songs of this kind of uplifting up-tempo melodic “punk” is as much as I can deal with. Then it’s time for the chainsaw to enter the picture. 4

theProphet (guest): Toothless, unthreatening MTV “punk” that manages to get pretty catchy at times. My entire frame of reference has been shattered by this extremely radio friendly edition of AA anyways, to the point that I would probably take a massive fear dump if somebody played me some Massemord or something. Coupled with bands such as Sonic Syndicate and Lordi, Bad Religion isn’t as cringe inducing as I suspect they would be if I heard them in context with my usual metal palette. 5

Raunchy: A discord electric Raunchy: A discord electric

4.2/10

Lord K: I believe that Raunchy’s downfall is the fact they are trying too hard. I appreciate fresh ideas in music and a “thinking outside the box” mentality, but Raunchy always came across as a bit too unfocused for me. Doubtless though, they do have their moments. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: Groove-laden hard rock with some metal elements that does not complete suck, nor does it leave any lasting impression. Raunchy is a funny name though. 5

Habakuk: Lots of angry screaming, too lengthy songs and an EXPLOSION!-snare sound to cover up that this is basically sugar-sweet, semi-catchy rock. Disappointing. 4

Trauma: Fucken raunchy is exactly what it is. Raunchy fucken music leaving a raunchy fucken smell in yer shorts. 2

CadenZ: A small glimmer of hope there is, but many tards of shit obscure the view. I think I’ll abstain from further search. 4

theProphet (guest): Okay, so the vocals are absolute ass, but Raunchy still manages to produce more isnpired riffage than for example Dimmu Borgir, though I suppose that really says more about Dimmu than it does about Raunchy, truth be told.. Boring? Yes. Godawful? Not by any means. So do I need this cookie cutter pop metal in my life? Not really. 5

Disturbed: Asylum Disturbed: Asylum

3.5/10

Lord K: Feel free to play any given tune by this monkey-band and I can’t say what album it’s from. I guess that could mean 2 things; (1) either they always released equally as fantastic albums with nothing but amazing songs or (2) they sound as redundant as ever. I’m leaning towards the latter, thank you very much. 4

InquisitorGeneralis: The band gets better with every record. Sadly, the singer is still sounds like Dynamo from “The Running Man”. While I like the tunes, I can’t stand the vox. This is crappaa-crappa. 4

Habakuk: Did i just sit through a 2:45 minutes intro only to find out that Disturbed still play overproduced shit metal? Fuck you and your U2 covers. 2

Trauma: What just played? 3

CadenZ: Yo, Disturbedz, I made a slogan for ya: “Uninteresting, constipated and meh since 1995.” I’ll e-mail you a monetary request. Full coverage here. 4

theProphet (guest): 6

Kamelot: Poetry for the poisoned Kamelot: Poetry for the poisoned

3.2/10

Lord K: Behind the absolute cheese that is Kamelot is a band that’s very competent, no matter how much it hurts to admit it. Vocalist insert name here coz I don’t know it has a great voice and Kamelot’s half-metal is coming across as bearable for most parts. Don’t fucken tell anyone I said so though. 5

InquisitorGeneralis: I would rather spend an hour in a San Francisco bathhouse with ex-staffer Smalley arguing production issues on “…and Justice For All” rather than listen to this powertastic shitfest. Believe it or not, that steamy date with Smallydick would be less gay than Kamelot. The real villains are the people who actually buy this stuff. If they all got AIDS, bands like Kamelot would not get record deals. I hate progressive power metal so much it makes my balls bleed. 1

Habakuk: Can’t say I came a lot. Ba-doom-tishh! 3

Trauma: For you I recommend… amputation. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 1

CadenZ: Apparently Kamelot have decided to trim everything of quality from their music, starting with their balls and spine. Brains and dignity are probably up next. 3

theProphet (guest): Some decent songs on here, Kamelot’s darker brand of power metal would be much better had the singer been more skilled though. I’m a bit ambivalent as to whether I want this my power metal in a more sinister vein, or just full on mega Edamer, like Dream Evil, but this really isn’t half bad. 6

Therion: Sitra ahra Therion: Sitra ahra

2.8/10

Lord K: I read somewhere that mainman and Wagner-wannabe Christofer expected people who like old Therion would like this album since the material on “Sitra ahra” is actually “really old”. I like some of Therion’s work but this is so incredibly fucken terrible Beethoven and his cohorts are spinning out of orbit in their graves. 2

InquisitorGeneralis: Are these guys serious? This sounds like Tarja and Kamelot combined! What an atrocious bag of cockpuke. I made it through two songs before putting my first through the computer screen. All kidding aside, this really sucks. More Demonoid please. If you can make it through the mead-hall chanting chorus of “Kings of Edom” you are stronger, and much gayer, man than I. 1

Habakuk: How it could come to this from “Paroxysmal Holocaust” I will never understand. Sanjiv? This reeks, and not of putrefaction. 2

Trauma: Well, I actually liked “Gothic Kabbala”. Please, not in the face. 4

CadenZ: Let me start by stating that I love most of Therion’s records. Their grandiose music depends on grandiose composing and arrangements, grandiose execution and grandiose production. On “Sitra Ahra” we get stale and shitty songs, average execution and the production… Well, the album sounds like it was mixed by a deaf imbecile giraffe holding a grudge against all of us still able to hear. I’m considering filing a lawsuit against Therion for raping my ear canals with this shit. 2

theProphet (guest): Ha ha, what the fuck is this? Man, I’m caught completely off guard here. Never heard Therion before but I got the impression that they’re an “eccentric” lot, don’t know if they always sounded like this though. I gotta say, this might just be crazy enough to work. The vocals are completely outrageous, and there are choirs and all sorts of crazy shit going on, but at times it comes together real nice. Can’t exactly see this in my playlist, but it escapes deletion for sure. 6

Lordi: Babez for breakfast Lordi: Babez for breakfast

2.3/10

Lord K: All AA’s got some comedy value to them and this time it’s Lordi’s turn to do the job. Behind the gimmick is a band who definitely knows how to create some hardrock travesty, it’s just a shame for them there’s no fucken way anyone can seriously take a liking in it. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: Before Lordi releases any more records they need to send royalty check and thank you cards to GWAR and Alice Cooper for all the shit they have bitten off of them since winning the Eurovision award. The songs on here are cheesy, campy, but also boring as fuck. You can have all the hype, shtick, and costumes in the world but there is no covering up bad, boring tunes. Just because you squeeze a piece of shit between two grilled pieces of Ciabatta bread doesn’t make it a Panini. 2

Habakuk: Doesn’t hold a candle to genuine 80’s stuff in the same style. Do-Do-Don’t believe the hype! 4

Trauma: I just spat up last night’s bukkake. 1

CadenZ: Stupid party metal with zero IQ. Entertainment value: low. Fuck you. 2

theProphet (guest): I had heard exactly one good Lordi song before spinning “Babez for Breakfast”, and that was “Bloodred Sandman”. Well, let me tell you, the list has not grown any bigger. The riffs are boring, the vocals are the lamest you’ve ever heard, the lyrics are the stupidest you could possibly imagine and don’t get me started on the song titles. These clowns should accept that they’re a children’s novelty and nothing more and stop bothering us grownups forever. Bonus: if you want ot hear the most uninspired, pointless bullshit ever written, then by all means check out “Amen’s Lament to Ra”. 2

Sonic Syndicate: We rule the night Sonic Syndicate: We rule the night

2.3/10

Lord K: Put on “Turn it up!” and tell me you feel this is an honest band, making music from their hearts and not for the charts. This is so planned, so fabricated, so nauseating and so sticky it feels like you are lying in a pool of snot and glue. And the worst thing is that you will nod your head to it at the same time as you are hating it with your whole being. Disgusting. And catchy. But mostly disgusting. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: I feel the same way about this new record as I did when I saw Sonic Suckdickate in concert: this is lame. The clean vocals are pretty bad and the music is cookie-cutter melodeathrock. No way, José. 2

Habakuk: If mum had told me, I’d have gone to bed earlier. Then again, mum would never lie. Sonic Syndicate’s Backstreet Boys rip-off doesn’t rule shit. This is audio AIDS. 1

Trauma: What’s that music video they made? Christ, this barely even made a full playthrough on my stereo. 3

CadenZ: Energy drink metal go fuck yourself in your clean-shaven fucktard ass with a barb-wired, flaming, gasoline-powered vibrator. FUCK. YOU. Full coverage here. 2

theProphet (guest): Ever since I watched some behind the scenes footage of these guys on tour, I’ve wished every pox and affliction upon these douchebags, especially that one fucking guy (one of the vocalists, I think), whatever his name was. I’ve gotten the impression that he’s left the band since then, but guess what? The music still sucks and I still hate you, “Turn It Up!” almost made me put my fist through my monitor. Choke on dicks, motherfuckers! 3

Tarja: What lies beneath Tarja: What lies beneath

1.8/10

Lord K: At times you get some real nice and catchy choruses but Tarja’s solo thing always had me thinking “-Holy shit, this is so soulless and poor half would be more than enough”. Her music feels like it’s manufactured for children the age 5-8. The Cumbucket really needs to work on her accent too. She can sing, sure, but the broken English was always her biggest problem. Not to mention the actual music. 3

InquisitorGeneralis: I hate symphonic shit in my metal. I am not a huge fan of clean female vocals in my metal. Therefore, this is total bullshit that sounds like the Broadway play Wicked. If Wagner was gay, this is what his operas would have sounded like. More metal for horny nerds. Tarja is a fox, but her music makes my dickhole bleed. I don’t like anything about this. 1

Habakuk: This joke of a one-girl-band needs to be expelled from our solar system urgently, Detroit style. 2

Trauma: No. 2

CadenZ: Q: What is the best forgery of Munch’s The Scream which would’ve fooled even the artist himself?

A: What lies beneath the stains on Tarja’s face after she’s done her duties as cumbucket in the studio, and gets to hear the (understatement alert) less than satisfying result. 1

theProphet (guest): The only time Tarja Turunen has anything to do with “What Lies Beneath” is when she’s giving me a reverse cowgirl and I’m telling her how good she is in bed. Hah, get it? Because she’s not. 2