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Global Domination | Audio Autopsy | Audio Autopsy - October 2010

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Audio autopsy

Audio Autopsy - October 2010

01/10/10  ||  Global Domination

Demiurg: Slakthus Gamleby Demiurg: Slakthus Gamleby


Lord K: Great growls, a killer production and some real decent tunes. Most of the times that is all you need when it comes to death metal, which is the core of this band, though the album at hand hold a more to it than just death metal. Those “Moontower”-esque (Dan Swanö‘s solo album, you know) keyboards heard here and there can still go fuck themselves though. 7

Trauma: I don’t know what “Slackjaw Gumby” is supposed to be about, nor the origins of such a fucken weird title. What this is, however, is good. Some of the riffs sound standard if you’re familiar with Rogga. How many times can you make a variation of the same riffs? This mongoloid sure knows, cos I’m clueless there. The melodies, though, are very good. 8

CadenZ: High quality melodic Swedeath. I’ve missed the Swanö touch. One (very small) remark for Rogga’s at times monotonous vox, should open up yer mouth more for vocal variation. Ed’s and Marjan’s voices fit in very nicely, especially Ed in the doomy “Travellers of the Vortex”. I predict this album to be spin-worthy for quite some time. 9

Baalzamon666 (guest): Well growled by Rogga the growl-whore, sharp riffing from Swanö, ace drumming as usual from baldy Ed, and a nice dose of clean vocals, both male and female. Yet somehow I find this record slightly anonymous at times, specially when they slow down too much the pace. Ominous and doomy, yes, but ponderous and a bit repetitive on some sections too. Nevertheless, a very solid effort, which doesn’t quite get my man-juices flowing but will get a few listens indeed. 6

Insidious Disease: Shadowcast Insidious Disease: Shadowcast


Lord K: One would expect some top-notch death metal with a line-up like this. Grewe’s vocals are still sounding fine, but as a whole this is not making the kind of impact I hoped for. Solid, to-the-core death metal served up by veterans – they have the recipe for success at hand but are not using it. Maybe with the next album? 6

Trauma: I’ve said it before: they do not live up to the songwriting potential of the respective band members. 6

CadenZ: Primitive DM pounding with an authentic twisted atmosphere. Nothing new, but still quite entertaining. 7

Baalzamon666 (guest): For a change, here we have a “supergroup” that actually delivers the metal goods. Shane Embury, Silenoz, Tony Laureano and two other fuckers I don’t know, that constitutes a decent line-up that thankfully do this death in a righteous and brutal way. The record is filled with mostly strong tunes, although it must be said the vocals are somewhat annoying, I’d prefer a deeper, more guttural growl to have been used. In any case, this is good stuff to listen to while cock-slamming emo kids in the face. 7

Apocalyptica: 7th symphony Apocalyptica: 7th symphony


Lord K: Let’s forget about the shitty Metallica album these guys once did, Apocalyptica(nus) sure know how to write some great material on their own. I have no fucken idea who that Lacey-chick, though I recognize her voice like a motherfucker, who’s doing vocals on the “Broken pieces” tune is (I’ll enter Google as soon as I am done with this crap though), but her tone alone renders this a fucken: 8

Trauma: “Original” is one word that best describes these Finns. “Very good” is two other. 8

CadenZ: Duplantier fits well into the distorted cello metal sound, the other guest vocalists not so much. Solid song-writing and cool arrangements make for a winner. 7

Baalzamon666 (guest): Now fer fuck’s sake, will somebody please explain it to me real slooooowww… what’s the fucken point of “music” like what these apocalyptic pack of cunts make? I vote for the four horsemen to deliver apocalyptic rape upon their every orifice. Shame on Lombardo for deigning to drum in a track of this travesty of a record. 1

King Of Asgard: Fi'mbulvintr King Of Asgard: Fi’mbulvintr


Lord K: Metal Blade wanted another Amon Amarth and signed King Of Asgard. 6

Trauma: “Fimble Vintner” is not the musical equivalent to hemp wine, but it does make you hungry for something good. Lamest comments in this edition awarded to me, Thank you, thank you. 4

CadenZ: Viking death/black with some purely awesome moments, a few juvenile idiocies and a core of very enjoyable stuff. No wonder, as these guys are not exactly newbies. I like the occasional blacker flirts. Good stuff. 8

Baalzamon666 (guest): My threshold for this kind of viking metal is fairly low these days, but I have to admit these fellas aren’t as clueless as most of their peers. They manage to keep these songs epic without having the levels of aggression drop. There is some repetitiveness to be found here though, they should have used the song-trimmer I sent to Accept. All in all, this was nicely played, even if I will probably forget they exist in a couple of weeks. 6

Accept: Blood of the nations Accept: Blood of the nations


Lord K: Surprisingly vital effort from Accept, the legendary band no one’s been giving a fuck about since Üdo Dickschnüder left to concentrate on his shitty solo career. But vital in this case just means it’s a wonder they aren’t fucken dead yet. I bet a few hundred bucks that Trauma will start off his coverage with the word “vital”. 4

Trauma: Vital is a word that is popular for this album. Whatever, I haven’t heard an album since “Balls to the wall”, and this, while not as good, is still quite alright. 7

CadenZ: Decent songs and a decent constipated vocalist (the only kind allowed in Accept) make for a decent disc. Rasp away, Marky Mark. 5

Baalzamon666 (guest): A nice surprise! I would have never imagined these old cock munchers had it in them to dish out such mostly entertaining fare! This is heavy metal with plenty of attitude and a sizable helping of Teutonic cheese and bravado. For the most part, it is well played, groovy and with some badass bottom end. It could have used some song trimming, as it has a few unremarkable tunes, but overall, a solid effort. 7

Malevolent Creation: Invidious dominion Malevolent Creation: Invidious dominion


Lord K: Much like with Kataklysm (below), Malevolent Creation shits out death metal by the numbers and fails to impress. 5

Trauma: Oh how the mighty fall, or at least fail to reach the same heights. I can’t even come up with a retarded replacement name for invidious. 4

CadenZ: I pound your flesh. I pound your FLESH! But I know naught else. 6

Baalzamon666 (guest): … and behold you slimy maggots, for Satan ascended from his fiery sauna in the depths of the Florida swamps, high-fived me on the way and proceeded to sit down with Phil Fasciana and his pals to jam. After quite a few beers, the Dark Lord ran the rule over Phil’s ideas and decided this newest batch of malevolent tunes won’t top “Envenomed”, but a solid sideways step in the wallowing mire of murder and mayhem it is! Relentless, he said, fucken relentless! I wholeheartedly agree! 7

Kataklysm: Heaven's venom Kataklysm: Heaven’s venom


Lord K: One of all these completely competent but anonymous bands delivering death metal by the book. They offer absolutely nothing out of the ordinary and will remain in the shadows of the 4 million other bands who actually create something worthwhile. I don’t know of one single human being who listens to Kataklysm. That says it all. 5

Trauma: It’s a shame that they’re going to get lost in the heaps of good death metal bands without exceptional material. Some good songs on here, but I fear not good enough to sprint ahead of the pack. 6

CadenZ: Sounds like Kataklitorism stole Peter Tägtgren’s tapes for the next Hypocrisy album and made the brave decision to record their own versions of the songs. And claim them for their very own. 6

Baalzamon666 (guest): I used to like these Canucks a lot, back in the day, but somewhere along the highway they lost me. They haven’t found me yet, and all the venom they might pour on my ears from the heavens will not change that. A shame to see how a band with such decent musicians has lost the ability they once had to write some really catchy and brutal tunes. Nowadays, they’re just average death, and affected with the breakdown bacteria. 5

Iron Maiden: The final frontier Iron Maiden: The final frontier


Lord K: Incredibly tired album from a incredibly tired band, complete with a production that is anything but incredible. Time to hang it up now, guys. You can do tours playing nothing but the classics, that’s what everyone wants anyways. 3

Trauma: I loathe this band. Overrated as overrated can be. Sure, I like some bands inspired by these old fucks, but I don’t like them. That third wheel you call a guitarist? Holy shit, hahahaha. 3

CadenZ: Fact: Dick-in-son doesn’t sound as good anymore. This of course affects the music, in a bad way. The songs are ok Iron Maiden tunes, except for the shitty “El Dildo”, with quite the incline towards Bruce’s solo material. 6

Baalzamon666 (guest): The Maiden fanboy in me does allow me to point out that there is a lack of speed, thunder and hellfire tracks on this one that leaves me yearning for the golden years, the production is rather flat and that damn intro sucks. Yet on the other hand, I can’t help but feel elated that I have another good record from these old warhorses to appreciate. I have greatly enjoyed the epicness that permeates these songs. Teh Bruce continues to be magnificent, ‘Arry rocks with cock and bass out, Adrian Smith has flexed his writing muscle and his partners Murray and Gers make up a guitar trio that still duels and gallops with the know-how of the masters. Shit you not, even Nicko sounds more enthusiastic about his drumming this time around. I’m fucken pleased! 8

Black Label Society: Order of the black Black Label Society: Order of the black


Lord K: A fantastic guitarist by all means, but to say that BLS is a fantastic band would be lie. And I don’t deal in lies. “Chupacabra” shows that Zakk is more than an overdose of pinch harmonics, and he’s got a good voice for this crap. 5

Trauma: “Order of those with high amounts of melanin” starts off good and has more catchy/good tunes than the other BLS albums combined. It did him a lot of good to be done with Ozzy, but not enough good yet. 6

CadenZ: Groovy and heavy, just as one could expect from BLS. Wylde doesn’t sing as well as he plays the guitar, but he’s still good enough to earn my sign of approval. 7

Baalzamon666 (guest): The extremely annoying and whiny mongoloid vocals of ball-Zakk Wylde ruin this album. Who the fuck lied to this poor bastard, telling him he could “sing”? He should stick to the guitar playing, at which he’s actually rather decent. Bottom line though, I can’t really bring myself to give two flying fucks about this stuff even if I love most metal of southern origins and stoned influences. The Ozzy worship is getting old too, slide yer head outta the old man’s anus, Zakk. 2

Blind Guardian: At the edge of time Blind Guardian: At the edge of time


Lord K: If someone decided to build a rocket made out of cheese, Blind Guardian would be the first ones to use it to travel into space. While there – the rocket must explode. 4

Trauma: “At the edge of Timbaland” is the musical equivalent to Limburger. Fucken stinker. 2

CadenZ: Finally, BG sound like they should again: symphonic, majestic and BIG. Unfortunately the songs aren’t as catchy as those on their magnum opus “Nightfall in Middle-Earth”, but this is surely the best stuff they’ve released since that very record. 7

Baalzamon666 (guest): Deep and far down the doo-doo hole have the once greats fallen. Whatever happened to the band that once gave us classics such as “Nightfall in Middle Earth”? The tired, way too fucken happy and folksy bullshit version of power metal Blind Guardian is playing nowadays compares quite poorly with Angra’s vibrant offering, not to mention their influential great records of epochs long past now. Records like this one make you realize why it so hard to listen to most of the metal so labeled with any seriousness. “At the Edge of Time”? Are you fucken kidding me? More like at the edge of a fair garden full of prancing gay unicorns and tranny gnomes, where every butterfly has a veiny cock painted on its wings. 3

Dead Reprise: The unveiling Dead Reprise: The unveiling


Lord K: Americanized tough-core by these Swedes is what we are served. I never gave a fuck about this particular genre but can recognize quality when I hear it. They have it down, it’s just a shame that the actual style itself is an abomination. 5

Trauma: At least the album wasn’t overly long. 5

CadenZ: Obituary goes hardcore. Overall not too exciting, and the vocalist sucks. No reprise for you! 5

Baalzamon666 (guest): Boooring macho-man hardcore, with plenty of self-empowering breakdowns. A veritable shitstorm of undescript and meaningless ape noise, with plenty of retarded choruses included as a bonus. Thankfully, it was over before I could get really pissed at it. 1

Angra: Aqua Angra: Aqua


Lord K: Someone hand me a gun, I have a strong urge to shoot myself in the face, all thanx to Angra. 2

Trauma: I’m angray. Mostly because this is so terrigay. That’s right, terrigay. Fuck this. 1

CadenZ: When Angra go progressive/technical and the singer shuts up they actually don’t sound as superfluous as they do otherwise. Too bad we don’t get too much of that stuff. Great guitar solos, though. 3

Baalzamon666 (guest): These talented Brazilians continue to be one of the chosen few power metal bands that know how to do it right. A rare combination of excellent musicianship and originality elevates them far above their peers. The exotic Latin flavor so unique of Angra is palpable in each and every tune they compose. “Aqua” is a notch below their superlative “Temple of Shadows”, yet is still fucken head and shoulders above 95% all other records released in this, the gayest of genres. 8

Murderdolls: Women & children last Murderdolls: Women & children last


Lord K: Women, children and Murderdolls last. 3

Trauma: What do you call two gay Bobs? Oral Roberts. 2

CadenZ: Murderdolls, Slipknot’s more polished sister, wears a dull suit and garners no boners. Snore. 4

Baalzamon666 (guest): I wanted to hate this bunch much more than what I have ended up hating. In fact, I have to grudgingly admit this isn’t half bad. Taken for what it is, catchy hard rock with some punkish edge to it, plus dark, humorous and funnily twisted lyrics, it works well. Not something that will become a regular on my listening rotation, but I won’t get overly upset if it comes up on a random playlist. Shit you not, this fuckers made me smile more than a couple of times with their silliness! 5

Tristania: Rubicon Tristania: Rubicon


Lord K: Tristania’s got a chick singing – that means I might like it. Now all that is needed is great songs and we are good to go. Not so much so. This shit will make you fall asleep if played longer than 3 minutes. 3

Trauma: Sorry Tristania, by the time “Ruby con” came around I was so tired of shitty music I turned it off after the first verses in the first song sounded unpleasant. Maybe you redeemed yourself on later songs, but it was something on which I was not about to count. 2

CadenZ: Female-fronted gothic metal should be rated on its own scale, which is logically proportional to the ordinary, universal scale. I’ll brave the dark and be a pioneer: on the FFGM scale this is an 8. 3

Baalzamon666 (guest): Weren’t these gothic stalwarts dead and buried? Seemingly that’s not the case, so someone pass me a shovel now, if you please. I’ll excavate a mass grave for their convenience. This watered down emo mish-mash cliché metal might have been amusing 15 years ago, but by now it’s more tiresome than watching paint dry. Two points alone for the decent looking chicks in the band pic. 2

Revolution Renaissance: Trinity Revolution Renaissance: Trinity


Lord K: It would be easy to start mocking Timo Tolkki but he’s doing it so great himself with “Trinity” so I don’t have to. 2

Trauma: I wonder: if I was to videotape myself in first person jerking off 5 times a day, would I have more followers than this band? I can already answer yep. My penis shoots like a motherfucken cannon. KABOOM! Revolution denied. 1

CadenZ: Somebody please shoot the off-pitch squealer behind the mic. NOW. Fuck. Autotune or Melodyne could fix some of the problem, so why not use them? HUH? Oh, right, you could just disband this sorry excuse for a band. Thank you for doing the right thing. 2

Baalzamon666 (guest): Timo Tolkki is involved. I could leave it at that, but actually I won’t. These drinkers of whale semen deserve to be flamed! Wankers, the whole lot of them. Repetitive and tired riffs? Check. Horribly weak vocals? Check. Emotional sad-sack ballads? You betcha! Because of shit like this, power metal has rightfully fallen into ridicule as a genre. 1