Holy Moses: The new machine of Liechtenstein
03/10/06 || Lord K Philipson
Woohoo, it’s my fucken birthday today! No, seriously. It is. I’m turning 33. Today. October 3rd. Send me stuff. It’s Tuesday, and when you read this I’m probably drunk as piss somewhere in Örebro. Pants down, porn magazine in one hand, one of my Jackson’s in the other. I’m sure I’m having a ball. I’m actually writing this like 1 and a half month in advance, how about that? Let’s get to this coverage now, shall we?
Holy Moses is a fucken shit-band.
Seriously. They are. They have been around for fucken forever and released alot of albums. Completely shitty albums, but still albums. One time they got everything working and that piece is “The new machine of Liechtenstein”. Holy Moses completely floored me with this effort and some 17 years later it still holds a very special place in my heart. A completely fantastic thrash album by all means and definitely a slab of music that deserves its spot in this section. Don’t expect to see any other Moses-release here from me anytime soon.
8,5. Half-technical shit with, at times, so much groove they should be arrested for it. Tunes like “Near dark” and “Defcon II” are perfect examples as for how to write fan-fucken-tastic thrash metal. I remember hearing “Defcon II” on the radio for the first time and how that tune completely crushed me. That’s not something that happens all too often. Alice DeeJay did it most recently, and that’s quite some years ago. What the fuck happened to that whore anyways?
8. There’s not much bass in the production but everything is clear, and even though the real punch is lacking this is a fine sounding recording. It might come across as a bit sterile at times, but that’s prolly becoz of the tightness these guys possessed here. Or becoz it is quite sterile.
8,5. Andy and Thilo definitely spent some time with their guitars up to this album. The rhythm’s are tight as all fuck and the solos are sweet and enjoyable. They absolutely knew what they were doing, and while being very good axe-men they also knew how the hell to write memorable riffs and tunes. Well, I assume Andy’s the one responsible for the songs here, I have no idea why though. Fuck Andy. And fuck Thilo. Just becoz I’m cool like that and can write whatever shit I want on the internet. That makes me strrrrroooong! You can insert a lion’s roar here for full effect.
7. Sabina Classen is sporting a decent scream. I have heard better and I have heard worse. By the way, I met Sabina at Wacken once. I think she fell in love with me. Fuck knows I would have if I met me. She was cool. Metal girls are generally cool. Metal girls in bands are even cooler. Metal girls in the kitchen are coolest.
3. It pops out here and there but generally it’s nothing you hear that well. A distorted, loud, bass on this album would have made such a difference to the sound here.
9. This album is single-handedly the one I have played and practiced drums along to the most while I was doing drums myself. I used to ride my bicycle to the rehearsal room a few times per week, just to crank this fucken thing (on cassette, ofcourse) in the stereo and blast away. I wanted to be Uli Kusch so bad it’s not even funny. I didn’t want his haircut though. Uli was my hero when it came to drums. Then, at a gig with (2 awesome drummers at the time)! Gamma Ray in Stockholm (in the early 90’s) I was running around with a friend backstage (yes, I was important even at that point) when this drummer-guy ends up talking to us for some reason (prolly becoz of our awesome looks, ofcourse) and introduces himself as “Uli”. It took me 2 seconds to figure out which Uli this was (how many fucken “Uli’s” can there be?) and then I spent the remaining hour discussing this very album with him. I met my idol at the time and I was very pleased. He was a nice guy and I got to know why he left Holy Moses and bla bla bla… I later ended up interviewing Uli for my fanzine at the time, and thanx to a friend I even have a photo of me and him from the evening of the Gamma Ray gig somewhere. His technique and groove surpassed everyone at the time and he sure helped me grow as a drummer. Thank you, Uli.
2. I suggest you read them. After all, Holy Moses are German and Germans aren’t exactly world-famous for being awesome with the English language. Check out some lines from “Defcon II” for a good laugh. From their official site: “Def Con II, the rockets roodaarr!” Rodar? Haha… I hope it’s a typo, not that it helps, but hey… This one is even better: “Def Con II, we’re talking you!” Hahahahahaha… “We’re talking YOU” ?! Guys, shoot me, I’m dying here.
5. Let’s see here… It’s blue and has a fucken bus on it… It should be illegal to have a bus on a album cover. It works thanx to the blue color but having a bus in there is just… very fucken German. If that’s representing “the new machine” of Liechtenstein, I definitely want the old machine back. I bet it was a wheelchair. Or staffer Ripper’s very advanced dildo. After all, he is German… I love Ripper. Bitch.
2. Just fucken look at it… Germans… Fucken Germans. I love them.
I’m sure there is one with the remastered thing that was released a while ago but I never owned anything but the LP. And I have absolutely no fucken idea what it looks like since I haven’t seen it in many, many years. I give it a 2, just becoz the cover has a fucken bus on it.
Overall and ending rant
8. All you need to know about Holy Moses is written in the intro to this coverage. I can’t let you guys go before saying something about the GODDAMNED moniker of the band though. Holy Moses? HOLY FUCKEN MOSES?! Whoever is responsible for this name should be hung from his/her balls/vagina off the Eifel Tower. What’s next ? Half-holy Judas? Man, fuck Moses. Fuck him up his holy ass.