Arkhon Infaustus - Torturer
08/08/07 || Global Domination
This interview was conducted by ex-staffer/cocksmoker Doomsdayzach.
Introduction by The Lord: Yeah, we know, that logo is fucken unreadable. Anyways, staffer Doomsdayzach was willing to interview Arkhon Infaustus as soon as Osmose approached us with it. As you will notice in a second, Zach’s not exactly sucking these guys’ cocks. And that’s what makes it so funny. No one else on staff wanted to spend their precious time coming up with some questions for these French bastards, so Zach stepped in and saved the day. It takes balls to interview a frog eating bunch of black metallers (with some very weird English sometimes, as you will notice), and we applaud Zach for the effort put into this interview. Torturer (a.k.a Guillaume Warren, which is a hella cooler name than his moniker), who’s doing bass and 2nd vocals is the poor bastard having to put up with some serious bashing. One thing though, Guillaume seems to think that Zach is Swedish. That’s great, becoz Sweden rules. Enjoy!
Global Domination: Apparently Osmose has asked us to do an interview with you. They haven’t read my review yet, so it’s understandable that they’re trying to do their job, asking people to promote the album. So let’s get get to it shall we? We’ll start off pleasant. How are you today?
Torturer: Ok, drunk and high. I’ve been doing lots of inties lately and speaking again and again about quantic physics and theology almost became boring, I’ll gladly listen to your shit man. Kind of fresh, though I found that if you really dislike our music, you could have been a lot more funny and picky.
“Orthodoxyn” is a pretty sweet Incantation cover album. What made you to do an entire album of Incantation music?
I think that it is the lamest comparison ever, come on! You could say a cover album from Neurosis and Deicide, maybe? Incantation? That’s not even sarcastic, it’s just too far from reality. Come on, did you ever, ever, ever fucking hear “Onward to Golgotha”??? Or maybe you don’t know shit about extreme metal and all death metal bands still sound the same to you with heavy guitars and guttural vocals? Then you would be excused for being so lame.
No, just kidding. “Orthodoxyn” is actually pretty terrible. But you really like Incantation, don’t you? Of course you do. This is just like a bastardized version of their material, except not interesting. Not that Incantation is the greatest band in the world to begin with…
Well, it’s true that “Onward to Golgotha” is one of the best death metal albums. And I agree with you, if you except the cover, the sound and the guitar riffs, the dual vocals, the ambiance, the lyrical concepts, well, then it’s just a pale copy. And what the fuck, it’s true, it’s guttural vocals and distorted guitars, and it all sounds the same to you, baby. I know, I felt the same when I was 10 years old.
Do you really think you have the balls to be man enough to answer these questions? I mean, it makes no difference to me. If they aren’t answered within about a month or so, I’ll just post the blank questions so our readers can see what you didn’t answer. Not to be a dick or anything… Well, I guess I’m being a dick.
Well, to tell the truth I really wanted to not answer them when I read your pity and useless threat. I liked the idea of you feeling super-strong and super-nasty behind your screen. But then again, as I am having a lot of inties right now, some of them being complex and interesting, and you can guess how it is to answer all the time at the same questions all the time, it’s refreshing for me to get to a lower level. And you’re not being a dick at all. If you had slicy questions you’d be, that’s just more like an average American teenager trying to be picky via the internet, well uh, that’s more like being a ballsack than being a nasty prick.
I have to honestly say “Orthodoxyn” is one of the most boring cd’s I’ve ever heard. I mean, fucken hell, I listened to the damn thing about 10 or 11 times and nothing has stuck. Not a goddamn thing. I have a hard time even paying attention to it. What the hell man?
At least we’re in your top five man, the best/the worst, at least the ones that got you anyway. But I understand your website selling point is to kinda try to make fun of bands you don’t like, and I understand that you have to show off to make your point it’s really fine with me. Osmose asks you to make an intie, that’s their job. You try to make fun of bands, that’s the way you sell your shit, it’s business. I can understand.
Seriously dude, I haven’t yet decided on my final score, but it’s getting either a 1 or a 2 depending on my mood when I upload it. The fact that it fails so epically is worth something though right? I mean, are you proud that you guys have reached a low that is held only by Metallica’s “St. Penis” and few others?
I’d be for the 1, man. 2 would be “just bad”, 1 being really crappy. And fuck, I made the intie for ya, so just put 1 for the effort I made there. Well, I didn’t hear that Metallica album, I’m deeply sorry mate. Well, at least it must be good enough for people to still say “ – Hey maaan, the last Metallica suuuuxxxxx really baaaad, that’s really far from Master of fucking Puppets”. Well, that’s really of no interest to us. I’m letting you discuss if it’s cool that Metallica’s bass player left or whatever, and don’t forget to say we’re a bunch of crap too and man, believe me, you must be such a jackass if that “St Penis” joke makes you laugh, and you should learn French to just to see our movies from the 80’s. You’d love them.
I mean, let’s be reasonable here. Most bands get either a positive or negative reaction from the listener. That means that they’re able to evoke some sort of emotion within people, be it a pleasant listen (like Tiny Tim… that guy fucken rawks) or extreme disgust (again… like Tiny Tim). You guys do neither. Are you really satisfied by making music that just sits in the musical purgatory of “Zach doesn’t give a shit”? Oh, by the way, my name is Zach. What’s yours?
You mean you don’t even realize trying to be nasty to you have a negative reaction??? No way man, you can’t be so dumb really, I can’t believe it. I really start to doubt this intie is a fake one, I mean, then let’s rate the album 5, that would no interest 5. 1 is lame so it’s negative reaction, 10 the best album ever. 5 is the useless one, not good/not bad. Oh and my nickname is Torturer, and fuck, at least you can say my nickname is cool and evil.
“Orthodoxyn” is the first album I’ve heard from you guys. It’ll more than likely be the last, but just to play devils advocate, is this what your other stuff sounds like? And please don’t give me that horseshit that every band gives upon releasing a new disc. “ – Oh, this is the greatest stuff we’ve ever done”. Seriously, it’d benefit you to say that your new disc sucks gigantic, hairy nutsack.
That album is the best we ever made, it’s a new step for us. If you need a good price for the others, just ask me. Or suck our dicks and I’ll let you have one for free.
Congratulations on the mediocre cover art. Probably the best thing about the album because I don’t have to hear it. Who did it? Why? What’s your point? Penis?
“Penis”, what a funny word, you like that word, don’t you ? That’s the point about the intie, “Penis”. How cool, how funny and how sarcastic. You know it’s gonna make all teens jiggle with laughters. I mean how many good jokes do you have with the word “Penis”? (Note by The Lord: Not fucken many enough) You must be the king of restless nights. Our work fails to you, but how good and funny do you really think your question is? I’d rather say, did you really believe this question to be funny?
What about the first two releases. Something about sperm and another one about sweaty cunt-rash or something, I can’t remember. Don’t you think that’s a bit juvenile for black/death metal?
Not at all. As we are not huge nerds laughing with the Penis word, we have a full sexual life. I think that in the contrary extreme metal is often too juvenile to deal with sperm and drugs and visions and understanding. The second release was called “Dead Cunt Maniac” and man, that’s the lamest title I ever found, but it’s good because it deals with a porn obsessed mind that starts to kill, and it’s like words from the character himself. Ever seen “Taxidermist”? Well, that could be the first character’s words. Gasp, sorry mate, I guess your type of movie would rather be “Wayne’s World”. Cooool man, cool, but I still can’t quote it.
Sweet. Well, let’s talk about the label for a bit. God knows this conversation about Arkhon Infaustus isn’t going anywhere. Osmose has some cool stuff. I think they’re distributed by The End Records in the states, so I get some of their other stuff every now and then. Yyrkoon is pretty good. Can you hook me up with an interview with those dudes?
Well, I can ask Osmose to. But I don’t have the contacts. It’s another side of the French scene. You should check Imperial from Osmose too, you’re gonna love it, it’s very Penis oriented kind of humor. Hey man, actually check this, know Google ? Just found it out for you, you owe me a beer at the next Arkhon Infaustus concert in Sweden: www.yyrkoon.net (Note by The Lord: I think it’s safe to say that Zach won’t be traveling from the States to Sweden to give you guys a beer)
Oh shit, I just realized Yyrkoon is also French. Do you know those dudes? If so, does it give you some sort of inferiority complex being friends with such ace musicians?
We are as skilled musicians as you are a great journalist, for sure. Remember the old times? It’s about feeling man, feeeeeling. You can listen to jazz and whatever technical kind of music, I’ll never inferior because of that. We would not play black metal if we were into techniques. Oh, and to sum it up: Don’t care, don’t care, don’t care.
I guess I can’t slag on your musicianship because I couldn’t pay attention long enough to hear any possible skill. So who’s better, Marduk or Mayhem?
So you can listen to something 10 or 11 times without even seeing if the musicians are skilled. That must the secret of how good a journalist you are. You really kick ass.
What does Osmose really see in you guys? I just can’t figure out what the fuck you have to offer. Do you at least have a really fat guy in the band or something that does killer stuff, so when people see you live (god forbid…) they can go “ – Man, that band sucked, but did you see that fat guy bust out that shit? That was awesome”.
I wish you could suddenly be stricken by understanding and sight. Did you ever realized that a band could be perceived differently according to different people? Come on, you really thought that your taste is every fucking people’s taste??? I mean, I know myself that your penis jokes will make laugh teenagers and metal nerds, but surely not us and neither the one of our kind. And I really think that you could have made a fucking good interview with hating us so much. Too bad you’re more dumb than nasty.
Nothing is more metal than being a big fat guy. I’m working on getting fat. Any suggestions on ways I can accomplish this goal? Either that or I need to start waxing my chest and get fucking buff so I can be the stand-in for Manowar covers when they get too old to pose in their loincloths.
Every time you say “Penis”, just have some KFC chicken wings. Every time you laugh from it, have a double portion.
A friend of mine once said he took his scrotum and rested it on his cat’s head while his cat was laying on his lap. He fucking teabagged his cat… True story! Awesome right?
Nice nerd story. Man, internet was made for you. You must be some of this people who send all their contacts some lame Powerpoint jokes. Come on, I know you do. Did you send me that “fake or real tits” one?
What’s the biggest benefit of being French? Is it the low expectations the rest of the world has for you, or the fact that you can be a snobby prick and people just think that it’s par for the course? Also, French chicks are fucking hot, but they don’t shave, which sucks. Unless French chicks have started shaving in the last few years. Have things changed? Am I just uninformed?
No, you are very well informed. It’s so funny to play witch clichés, it really is. Your forgot that we all have “un berret et la baguette sous le bras”, and a nice mustache. I mean, what a nice and good laughter, and all Swedish people are woodcutters (Note by The Lord: What’s with the hostility against the Swedes, you beret-wearing canary?), all Spanish people dance flamenco… That’s hours of jokes in front of you!
Dude, I’m having a hard time even paying attention to these fucking questions. Damn dude, you’re permeating every realm of my existence! Hold on, I’m going to take a shit. I’ll be back soon.
Don’t stay too long, I only have a few minutes for you.
Ahh, that was more entertaining than listening to your disc, that’s for sure. But I think everyone can appreciate a good dump. I’ll be fair and say that was more entertaining than most bands out there. But really, what’s more satisfying: jerking off or taking a huge dump?
Believe my new nerd friend, there are a lot more things interesting out there. Close your second life account, wipe your ass clean and try to buy yourself a life.
Why do Michael J Fox’s Polaroids develop quicker than others?
Is that the kind of question you think about having a shit ? Oh, you and your exciting life.
So what do you guys have to do with Karnal Films? They’re on your top friends of your MySpace, and you’re first on theirs. It sure as hell ain’t because of your music I’d bet. Did you guys star in the gay scene or what? And what the hell is with the black metal porn thing? That’s a fucking stupid idea.
We are not all nerds having problems with sex or porn. Ever had sex with a real girl? Try one day, and I mean without paying anything. Do you blur when you see pictures of naked girls ?
Put more tits on your MySpace page and more people might check it out and stay longer.
Couldn’t you make it shorter? For both you and me?
Are all the other bands that the members of Arkhon Infuckstick are a part of also as hopelessly miserable as this album was?
No, it’s even worse.
Now onto the important questions. I’m tired of coming up with a million ways to insult your band. Would you give up one of your testicles to have poses that are half as epic as Abbath’s?
No, you are not insulting my band cause it raises nothing in you, remember ?
Who has the best corpsepaint in all of black metal?
That’s great, you tried to be funny without saying “penis”! The problem is, maybe you were better with “penis” finally.
Which album that you’ve heard lately is the best? I need to know so I can avoid it like the plague.
Neurosis, Deathspell Omega, Mutiilation. Avoid it, pure anti-nerd.
You don’t seem like real satanists. Watain would not approve.
Ok, we have it. The most un-informed and lame question, it’s this one.
Have you ever had a Hot Carl? Do you want one?
Man, you are as crude and raw as Sade himself. Keep these for the nerd forums to be seen as a nasty metal punk. You’re not gonna shock anybody else with this.
Have you checked out www.globaldomination.se? What did you think? Best site ever, huh?
The website is pretty good yeah. It’s clear.
Well, I’m out. Dude, if you actually answered these questions, fucking kudos. You’ve earned tons of respect for not running away like a typical Frenchie. If not, I’ll make sure to post these questions and request that the hordes of Global Domination readers go forth and spread the word that you guys are the worst band ever and deserve to be skullfucked. Last words, bitch! Justify your existence right now!
I was pretty deceived, cause I really thought in the beginning it would be more aggressive or ironic (the first sentence was really good and immediately gave me the will to answer “Apparently Osmose has asked us to do an interview with you. They haven’t read my review yet” – that was good). It was lame in just two seconds after. I mean, I like the concept in the first place, you say what you think about a band. But then, don’t overplay it. And most important: why then just be stupid and lame? God has given you nerds a keyboard to feel like you can also exist into our world, so thank Him and bless Him everyday that you can try to insult people that are not in front of you, and talk to girls without bluring like a teenager. Amen.