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Global Domination | Interviews | Necrophobic - Joakim Sterner

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Necrophobic - Joakim Sterner

25/09/09  ||  Global Domination


It’s that time again… Time to evoke the hordes, the goats and all that is completely shit-evil. Necrophobic is back with a new killer effort which you can read about here. We thought another interview would be in place so we simply shipped over some half-assed questions to drummer Joakim Sterner. Can’t say this will be the best fucken piece you have ever read, but that matters not. What matters is that “Death to all” is a fucken fine black/death album and thanx to this interview Necrophobic will gain a few new fans and a couple of minutes in the limelight of Global Domination.

By Kampfar and Lord K Philipson.

GD: Hi Joakim, on a scale from 1-10, how satisfied are you with “Death to all”? And do you believe it’s better than “Hrimthrsimsumpenisbum”? I’m not sure if it is, but it’s at least as killer as that previous effort.

Joakim: As there are very few bad seconds of music, in my taste, of this album, I have to say it’s a Necrophobic 10/10. The album is a bit different from our last album, which I also thought was a Necrophobic 10/10. Simply, I can’t say which is the best of them.

Did you ever consider naming your band Necrohomophobic? A bit more serious, do you guys have an aversion against all things necro?

None whatsoever…

Evil goat Speaking of necro, what do you think of the Norwegian black metal scene? Or rather, what do you think about the Norwegian metal scene in general? I think it’s pretty fucking ace, better than the Swedish even, that because your country is responsible for a few too many gullible bands. Gullible and cozy as in Scar Symmetry and shit.

Haven’t heard Scar Symmetry. I really don’t care a shit whether the Swedish or the Norwegian scene is better than the other. Personally, I think the Norwegian bands have a wider range of originality in their music, but that doesn’t necessary mean that the Norwegian bands are better. It has to do with what you like in music. Some like to masturbate to skilled musicians and some like the more easy listened type of music. Some may even like it “gullible and cozy”. Not that I do, though…

I’ve got scars aplenty, bored as a teenager and blood livened up the day, but when carving myself up I never once had symmetry in mind. My point, and question, being this one: why is circa 90% of all bandnames utterly retarded?

Because it’s 2009. It wouldn’t be so cool to name your band Pentagram II or Slayer XII or… Leukemia.

You have been pounding those skins for a good 20-30 years or so now, huh? Are you finally beyond the “decent” level of drumming you think? What are your strengths as a drummer and for the drum nerds on Global Domination – what does your drum kit look like? The complete setup, that is. And fuck me sideways, aren’t we really too old for this death/black metal, make up bullshit? I mean, seriously?

Ha ha. Yeah, my body is really aching after a tour nowadays. Too old? Naah, I don’t think so. We’ll continue as long as we still bleed for this music. Talking ‘bout my drum skills, I can say that I’m still very simple in my drumming and will never be Joakim “Dave Lombardo” Sterner, but I play with a certain groove, old school kinda playing, rather that the young machine kinda drummers, raised with trigger drums and that kinda shit. My drum set up, by the way, are TAMA 2×22 bass drums, 1×14.5 snare, 1×12 tom tom, 1×13 tom tom, 1×16 floor tom, hi-hat, 1×16 crash, 1×18 crash and 1×20 ride. Simple and aesthetic metal set. Black, of course with Necrogram-symbols on the bass drums skins, ha.

In that live footage when you guys premiered “For those who stayed Satanic”, some idiot in the crowd screams “Sieg Heil” a few times and for some reason one of your guitarists does that infamous Hitler trademark hello. Have you gotten a lot of flack for that and what is fucken up with that bullshit? I know there were some discussions about you eventually being Nazi’s and whatnot whereas I took yer side of things considering I have known you for quite some time and said I sure don’t believe they have any sympathies with that crap. How come you even put that video out considering the fact you MUST have seen the incident initially, still you decided to let it out there on the Retardnet… Are you just plain stupid or did you think “nah, fuck it – it’s just a joke and no one will notice it anyways”. Nazi shit usually don’t go down too fucken well in the community of metal, at least not when we are talking outside the Einstein League of NSBM.

I’d say we were plain stupid, as you are correct about that none of us have such sympathies. We simply forgot to do anything about it and yes, it got noticed some time later on and was blown way out of proportions on forums around the globe.

Did you know that the Vikings allegedly cut themselves up when not fighting so that Odin wouldn’t think of them as pussies in hiding? Now that’s fucking awesome, so wish I had a scalpel right now.

So that you can hide for everyone that you’re a pussy? Is that what you mean?

Eviler goat When time is right I want to finish myself off at a place people about to bury me on so-called holy ground have little or no hope of finding me. My point is, I’d rather be eaten by birds, mouse and rats than giving myself over to the white worms. Ever thought of this? If or if not, your thoughts on this? What would be your favourite way to die?

I agree with your reasoning. Spread by the wind is my melody. I thought about how I wanted to die, when I was younger, but I have forgotten how cool my way to die is now. The perfect tune is gone as well. Have a lot other stuff to think about these days. I have to start thinking about that again, I see now, as I’m going to die… soon.

I love to fuck but by now I’d rather kill me some shit people. How ‘bout you? Would you care to reveal some bands that you share an utter disgust for and wouldn’t mind if they ended up dying in a hotel fire of some sorts?

Ahh, you want me to do a shit talking about bands-thing with you. Ha. I leave that ‘til you and I hang out next time over a couple of beers. Whenever that will happen? What do you think?

Sweden is going down the shitter, Norway is trailing right behind, like a pair of dumb blondes we walk into a dark alley only to be gangraped and left for dead. Do you get my drift?

But when will I see you in Swedish “Idol”?

If you could use one word to describe each individual in Necrophobic, what would it look like? I mean, you’d probably be “dwarf-like”, huh?

That’s exactly what I’d say. I’ll go down in history as the “dwarf”. But then again, most people you meet must be considered as dwarfs in your eyes, right? But here comes a some sort of attempt: Me (The Metal 666-head), Tobias (The Strange Magician), Sebastian (Jack Of All Trades), Johan (The Entertainer) and the new guy Alexander (Mr Kick Boxer).

Is your new bassist, whatever his name is, embarrassed in the least by all the cute photos his girlfriend posts at her blog of him and her? I mean, the necro, true and grim image might get itself a few smacks in the face with stuff like that. Is image and visuals important to you guys? When does it turn out lame? Are bands like Watain overdoing it?

So, you read her blog? I’ll let her know. (GD note: She already knows, bojo) Yes, image and visuals are dead important for Necrophobic, but we’re not 20 years anymore, if you know what I mean. We don’t need to show off in every second of our life anymore to prove it. Everyone knows it already. I don’t think Watain is overdoing it. They are fucking serious about all that has to do with Watain. I’d like to kill everyone that stand on stage and hide behind a costume to try to be somebody they’re not.


I’m anti-life, yet anti-abortion. Not totally anti-abortion, but I think all women who perform their 2nd fetus removal should hand over their uterus while at it. Then they could remain careless sluts for the rest of their shit lives. Agree?

Ha, yes that sounds like a good idea. Maybe a little more “stand for your actions” way of thinking.

I just claimed to be anti-life, and that’s a bit of a lie, ‘cause I fucking love animals. Especially ponys. What’s your favorite, dolphins perhaps?

I had dogs when I was younger, but nowadays, I don’t bother. I have nothing against animals, but… eeeh, not in my house. I just realized that I lied. We recently inherited Sebastian’s family’s aquarium, ha ha ha…

Speaking of favorites, what’s yer preferred brand of beer? And, is it true that you Swedes can’t brew for shit?

Beers come and go. Sometimes Swedish beer can be awesome, cause you haven’t had it for ages and sometimes you think they stink. For the moment, I still enjoy Staropramen and the Swedish Falcon the most. I’m not into Ale. A beer I wish I could like is Guinness. It looks so good, but tastes ass. I need to learn to drink that some day.

Evilest goat Oh fuck, I completely forgot that besides answering stupid questions made up by a fuckwit from Norway you also do music. Thing is, I’ve heard like 20 seconds of your stuff. Due to manic depression, buhu, and however, I’ve of course downloaded all you ever released. Still, I haven’t heard what your guys are up to. Care to give me a synopsis?

Our music can be described to you, downloading freak, as the feeling of when you get hit in the head by an enormous axe that splits your skull in half and the blood is spurting. All in the presence of Satan.

What’s the shittiest album courtesy of Necrophobic?

None, but “Darkside” has the shittiest production, due to a fuck up mastering.

Have you ever met a fan you’d very much like to smack in the teeth with an axe? Do remember I ain’t a fan yet.

Yes, of course. Some stalkers who don’t understand the sense of space!

Is it more fun to answer a semi-serious interview like the ones you always get from Global Domination or do you prefer to reply to some die hard true-as-fuck Lithuanian who’s more interested in knowing what kind of goat you eat for breakfast? Isn’t metal a bit too fucken serious at times? I mean, everyone knows that none of us are spending the evenings sacrificing kittens to Father Satan, right?

I have answered millions and millions of interviews during this 20 years long career and I can say one thing: If the interviewer/journalist doesn’t know anything about the band, it really doesn’t matter whether it’s dead serious, or like this one, more semi-serious and funny, I will not do it.

What’s the best gig/tour you ever did?

I cannot say. There has been so many of them. It’s so much that make a gig good. A club show can be as great as a big festival show.

If I was about to start a band for the sole purpose of bedding women aplenty, where should I do my concerts? I mean, you guys have been around for around a century already and should therefore know.

Everywhere, except your home town. Some Latin countries should be a good start.

Über goat Regain is one of the few labels with any direction at all. Happy to camp at their place? And related, please tell us where to buy shit from that fucking label alright. Also, apart from you guys, what’s their best band?

Regain Records has been the best label for us so far and we’ll continue with them as long as we feel we have a good dialogue and business together with them. Do you have trouble finding their stuff? Please, tell me about it. I didn’t know? I think they have great distribution. Well, probably not at the gas stations, but anyway. Best band on the label besides us? I’d say Marduk.

What’s the crappiest label you ever had to relate to? You should try Stormvox if you haven’t already.

I say Black Mark Production or the now bankrupt Hammerheart Records…

How many interviews out of 10 are totally not worth answering? And, not related at all, should people be allowed to marry dildos?

I mentioned this a bit earlier, so you know my point there already, but out of 10 that I DO ANSWER, maybe 5 is WORTH answering. I still answer 10 0ut of 10 regarding to what I said earlier…

Rate these whores on a scale from 1-10:

Victoria Silverstedt: 2.

Jenna Jameson: 10.

Paris Hilton: 5.

Madonna: Used to be a 10, now a 3.

Mother Theresa: 0.

Britney Spears: 5.

Goat egg Jessica Alba: 3.

That Buffy whore: ?

Your mother: A good mother is always a 10.

Death to all, fuck it all, death and damnation. Thanks for your time and take care. And remember, we love you guys.

I know.