Pulsating Anus: Owen, Kent and Matt
04/03/09 || HailandKill
The band with Andrew W. Gay. Oh wait, that was supposed to end with “K”.
Pulsating Anus are an amazing grindcore band nobody has ever heard of – or smelled – until now. These obscure anal-mongers are so awesome with their garbled odes to fecal matter and anuses, you’ll either die from laughing or end up writing mean stuff about them on some discussion board. Without further a-poo (get it?), here are the three grindsome stooges waxing their assess off about movies, parents, and ghetto booty.
Pulsating Anus? I just love it. Reminds me of when I take a crap while reading National Geographic and my bunghole is exhaling after shitting a Technicolor pile of poop. What do your parents think of the band?
Owen: Well, it just sort of came to me one night and I decided I wanted to start a grindcore band by that name. Kent started writing some riffs and Matt was already a friend of ours so then the band just came to be. I told my parents the name and my mom just said “That sounds like some kind of gay band.” I showed her some of the music and she said it wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be.
Kent: My parents found out about the band by accident from a friend’s father, who was getting his teeth cleaned at the dentist’s where my mother works. To quote my mother, “I heard you are in a band down there? What’s it called? Something gross…Quivering Anus?”
Why this fascination with posteriors and humanity’s favorite excretion next to cum?
Owen: Well, I don’t know, it’s more a fascination with butts, really. I guess they come hand in hand. It’s all about gross stuff and playing fast.
Kent: Butts just come natural to us. I wouldn’t call it a fascination, though. If we wrote songs about my fascinations, every song would be about Glory Holes or nachos.
Matt: Pulsating Anus has no such fascination with any excretions. Though the name may give you that impression, we wouldn’t dare touch such disgusting subjects. That is for children.
I gotta confess man, brown humor is my weak spot. Man, when your album comes out, send me a copy will ya? I promise to review the hell out of it.
Owen: Yeah, certainly, so long as you review it!
You’ve got a demo out. How many songs are inside it? Did it cost you any money?
Matt: There are nine anthems that celebrate the freedom of youth. And, no, we recorded it in our friend’s attic.
What kind of art are you thinking of for this demo, and perhaps, your next release?
Owen: I can’t give you that information right now, but I assure you it will be stunning. We’ve got some people working on it at this very moment, though!
When you guys are writing songs, do the ideas swirl inside your brains like a toilet flushing or does it all come out in a dripping, hot, burst of genius?
Owen: We don’t need to write songs. There is such chemistry between all three of us that the songs just sort of write themselves. It’s fun.
From where did you learn the ins and outs of recording your own shit? I mean music.
Owen: Uh, well, we played and our friend recorded it and mastered it for us. So, we didn’t really do anything recording-wise.
When did you first pick up an instrument and what kind of musical education brought you to where you are right now?
Owen: Well, I’ve been a vocalist in a few bands and have an ambient project but I’m not really uh, educated in anything. I got a guitar recently and am learning to play that a bit, but I’m not very good.
Kent: I’ve never actually learned to play guitar. I’m just a good-looking guy for music videos and live acts ala Milli Vanilli. The guitar playing you hear on the demo is actually a wretch that my family keeps in the basement.
Matt: I was brought up on the cello at the age of two and went on to master every instrument that was given to me after that. I decided to play drums for Pulsating Anus, even though I could play every instrument if needed.
How do you draw the line between funny and tasteless?
Owen: As long as your songs don’t appeal to fat, repressed, assholes, there really isn’t such a thing as tasteless. It’s all a joke.
You actually play shows? Does your music make people laugh all the time?
Kent: Yeah we’re starting to play a few shows. I don’t really own my own means of amplification, so each affair is an exercise in moochery. And it’s hard to laugh when the music you’re listening to is rapidly giving you polio.
“More Like Starship… Poopers”? Awww, come on, I loved that movie! Nothing beats no-strings-attached sex with your girl army buddy and fighting insects.. What compelled you to ruin a Sci-Fi classic?
Owen: Well, I love that movie, but think about if that movie had incorporated more poop into it—much improved, right?
Kent: Ruin? Imagine how much more wonderful that film could have been if everyone was suffering from dysentery?
“Barf In Your Ass”. Brilliant. Discuss please.
Owen: Well, we were just brainstorming song ideas and that one came up. I think we’ve got like four pages of ridiculous stuff to use for song titles and that was one of them. The song itself just kind of came to fruition at our first practice.
Matt: Unfortunately, there was a bit of a translation error when this song was released. The actual title is “He Who Knows, Knows Himself”. The song is about a young man who realizes that the world…I’d rather not go on. The lyrics speak for themselves.
How can an anus reach a size that would allow it to swallow Manhattan?
Owen: Actually that song is a modern day version of some ancient Asstec mythology.
Who is the object of your butt sex fantasies?
Owen: Err, no butt fantasies here.
If you fuck someone in the ass, what are the chances of your schlong getting poo stains?
Owen: We wouldn’t know.
Are these questions giving you an erection?
Matt and Owen: Good grief, no.
IQ test! Spell diarrhea.
Owen: Well, uh, d-i-a-r-r-h-e-a
I’m surprised you got that one right. Have you ever tasted your own shit? I almost did.
Owen: Well, we’re brilliant. Nope.
If someone’s tits were rubbing against your face right now, whose would it be?
Owen: That’s odd. Uh…
Here’s the most awesome part of the interview: Rate the following bands from 1 to 5. 5 highest, 1 lowest. You can leave a few words too. Ready?
Hail of Bullets.
Kent: 2 br00tal for a rating
Owen and Kent: Pre-Christian 4, Post 1
Your band’s blastmaster, Matt.
Strapping Young Lad.
Kent: It’s no Rammstein
Robert A Heinlein.
Kent: BOOKS ARE FOR NERDS.
Your music skills.
Corrosion of Conformity.
When was the last time you took a dump?
Owen: 20 minutes ago.
Describe your ass. Mine is lean and (really) hairy with stretchmarks at the side and dark shadows underneath.
Owen: I’ve been told I have a ghetto booty.
Kent: It’s svelt!
Matt: My buttocks are of no business to you or anyone else.
If a camera crew visited your crib, what would you show them? And not the toilet, please. There has been more than enough brown humor in this interview already.
Owen: I have no idea. There’s not really anything special.
Kent: My big hairy dog and nice woods.
Matt: My collection of vintage wines
You know what? I just caught the movie “The Avengers” on TV. It’s a remake of a spy series from the 60’s. It was so bad I cringed. Not even Uma Thurman gave me an erection. What movies make you cringe and why?
Owen: Um, anything and everything other than DP films because their lack of taste and artful camera-work. Nothing can capture an atmosphere quite like a DP film.
If a bunch of guys were chilling inside a bar and the conversation eventually turned to the band Pulsating Anus, prompting one of them to say “Those guys are full of shit”, you wouldn’t be offended right?
Owen: Of course not, if someone doesn’t like us that just speaks to their lack of taste.
Matt: I wouldn’t be caught dead in a bar. Bars are for street urchins and the like.
Do you actually expect to become a little famous with your music?
Owen: Of course, we’re already well on our way to achieving great amounts of fame and glory.
If there’s a disagreement between any of the members, how do you reconcile your differences? You kiss and make out?
Owen: No, we don’t really disagree anyways.
How much bromance is there between the three of you?
Owen: Bromance? Well, we’ve all got quite lovely girlfriends. No “bromance” here.
We’ve reached the end of this pile of… kweschins. I gotta go to bed now and jack off. Thanks for everything. Love ya! Any last words?
All: IT IS THE ANAL HARVEST; WE WILL REAP YOU! HAIL THE ANUS!