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Global Domination | Interviews | Who's the mane!

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Interviews

Who's the mane!

20/07/06  ||  Global Domination

This interview was done by ex-staffer Fishermane.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the bright idea of asking Lord K if he was interested in doing another interview for the site. The e-mail went something like this: “Hey man, did you ever get that dress I sent you? It’s been a while… And by the way, how about I interview you for the site? Let me know. -Fisher” Of course, he agreed to the interview, and here we are. This is definitely one of the most entertaining and interesting pieces of work I’ve worked on, so respect goes out to The Lord for the time and effort he invested. That being said, shut the fuck up and prepare to enjoy what two of the greatest minds in the universe have conceived, along with pictures of pretty much the whole crew.

GD note: Thanx to a crash some time ago (and we are not talking about a plane crash) all the pictures in this feature were lost. This means you’ll have to do without them. It’s a shame coz that was a gallery of marvelous photos, bitches.

Fishermane: So how much effort does it take to run GD & its forums properly? You keep shit organized, well-maintained and highly supervised, banning any dumb fucks who might have posted one too many idiot topics in the wrong section. How much time do you invest to manage the forums? By the way, as I’m writing this, you currently have a total of 1917 posts, and an average of 12.45 posts per day, or 6.62% of all posts. Are you a virgin?

The Man! Lord K Philipson: As far as the virgin-part goes, nope… I’m not a virgin. I was once though, seriously, but that was a few weeks back. I can guarantee that I lose my virginity more often than you do, if you get my drift, hoho… But anyways… As I’m typing this the results of my postings are: 6.66% (really) of total posts, 12.57 posts per day and 2313 fucken posts in total. As far as maintaining the forums go… It’s not hard at all. Banning people is fun. And obviously needed. I’ll never understand what some people believe they can achieve by entering the forums and behaving like a cock, banning is something that takes me like 10 seconds to do, you know. I’m proud of what we have achieved with GD, to say the least. We have the coolest fucken forums around and we have an army of excellent writers providing material all too seldom. If I’m not around to keep things in check, Chazz and Statik are doing the job for me so those guys deserve a thanx as well for keeping a close eye on the place when I’m busy being a rockstar and all. As far as spending time with the place, I check in quite a few times per day if I’m at the computer. I love the site and the forums. Oh, and thanx by the way for taking my virginity away, you’ll always be precious to me now. You are Teh Stud. You were as small as people told me though, you fucken manwhore.

Manwhore? Yes. Small? Possibly. So how exactly did you guys decide to start up Global Domination? Give us a brief history on how you & Statik initially hooked up, and what made you think a site about domination would actually work? How much persuasion was required to get some of the bands affiliated with GD to join?

I used to run a fanzine back in the day, and I always liked writing and eventually ended up writing a little for a US-based site called White Trash Devil. They died (and recently resurrected, but that’s beside the point) and after a while I felt I wanted my own place, with reviews made the way I would like to read them, as well as have the opportunity to educate the world about what’s good or not in the metal-scene. And I did just that with help from a ton of great writers throughout the years, and some cocksuckers as well of course. To bring the bands to us was easy, most of them are friends of mine in one way or the other. It’s just a matter of asking and they wanted to be with us, for natural reasons. When it comes to how me and Statik hooked up, I’ll leave that to Statik himself.

Statik Majik: To put a long and rather uninteresting story (except for K and me) short… When I still had my own personal website (which was kind of mix between a blog and a portfolio) I had links to the TPH site and rambled a lot about how fucking brilliant the music of TPH was… Somehow K stumbled upon my site and decided to hit me with an email and thanked me for the link and whatnot. I replied to him and thanked him for creating such kick ass music, then he replied to me with something and I replied back and so on… We’ve been friends since that incident… Oh yeah, this was back in early 2001. Later that year I became their webmaster and I finally met K in person early 2002 when he decided to tag along with Entombed when they played in Helsinki. During all these years our friendship has become much deeper and personally I consider him to be my big brother… I mean the big sister I never had.

(Note by the mane: I also contacted Chazz in order to get some input from him in regards to his initial hook-up with K. Since he’s an important part of the GD backbone, I figured it would be respectful and interesting to see how he got involved. This is what Chazz had to say. )

Chazz: There really isn’t much of a story behind my involvement with Global Domination, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. I first “met” K through his Project Hate message board, which was being hosted at another site he also was doing some writing for. I had recently discovered TPH and thought it was ultracool that he interacted with the fans as much as he did on that board. This must have been around late 2001.

As time went on, that site went in a different direction, covering more hard and stoner rock, and K had talked about starting his own site for some time to cover the heavier stuff he wanted to review. I knew he had a long history with writing for Hypnosia and some other publications in Sweden, so I figured anything he did was going to be balls out complete domination. At the time, I was cutting my teeth with writing reviews for a site called Morbid Metal. That site was pretty short lived, but I learned a lot about my writing technique through the reviews/interviews I did there. K must have seen some of that work, because shortly after that site went offline, I got an email saying he dug my work and asking if I’d be interested in writing for a new site called Global Domination. According to K, he had this shit all planned out from the beginning with Statik, and he’d planned even back then that I’d be helping out with a lot of the stuff that isn’t exactly seen by readers of the site. If you ask me, I was probably just one of the few writers he knew of that was available hahaha.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve really lost a lot of free time to write and review, so I’ve taken on some different roles. I suppose I kinda see myself as a backup person to what K and Statik are doing with moderating the forums, giving soon to be posted work a quick look though, sorting the albums we use for Audio Autopsy, and making sure we have available to our writers the latest promos and albums for review.

I really don’t see anything changing with me for a while, other than getting back to doing more reviews as I get more time to do them. I gotta give major respect to Statik and K for all the work they do with this site. I really doubt anyone has any idea how much time and work actually goes into keeping this thing going. Somehow they are able not only keep this site a few steps better than any of the others out there, they are able to look pretty damn good while doing it.

(Note by the mane: And so concludes the initial formation of GD. Then I joined. Then all went to shit. Then we took over the world. You know the rest. Let’s go back to K, shall we?)

So I’m going to pick 5 of our writers at random, and go ahead and comment on them. Actually fuck five, here’s the whole list (including mostly departed staff members). Indulge bitch. Special recognition should go out to Chazz & Statik, for putting in some serious work.

Ambugaton: Can’t remember this one. I heard he is a fag though. It was on the Internet, I believe the Internet.

Chaim Drishner: Know very little about him but the reviews I have seen him write for other sites have been killer, so I expect great work from him for GD as well. Or I’ll fire his ass.

Chazz: A true hero. If Statik is my right hand, Chazz is my left when it comes to the site and forums. Always helps me out with computer-issues and makes sure I discover new bands too cheesy for GD’s taste. Not to mention with them being my hands, jerking off is quite easy. And somewhat peculiar.

City of Dis: Wrote all fine but way too seldom. Now taken off staff.

Consumer: New guy who probably had the least amount of mistakes for me to correct with his first encounter with the CMS we use for the writing. I’ll always remember him for that. And his awesome writing.

Desert Eagle: Good guy even if he’s a bit too emo for my taste.

Eric Wright: I know nothing about him really, but as with the rest of the staff he’s a good writer. I think he’s like 18 years old or something. That means he’s a kid. I fucken hate kids.

Fishermane: That would be you. Probably the most fucked up one on staff, which is nice for a change. Knows how to conduct killer-interviews and has really absorbed the spirit of GD. For fag-reasons I hope you are with us for a long time. Or I’ll fire you. Fag.

(Note by the mane: Just because I slept with you doesn’t make me gay. I mean, you’re practically a chick…)

Goiter: Lives in Florida I think and loves Star Wars. Maybe. Seems fucked up and hands in good shit every now and then.

Hannastacia: My ex-girlfriend. Not around these parts too often but has been with us since the start. Good girl though she does very little for the site. I guess she brings a female touch to the staff-section.

JDProvorse: Left us recently becoz of lack of motivation for writing. Good guy for sure and he wrote really good. And he also made some God Among Insects-posters that looks fucken awesome. Would fire him if I could but he quit before I had the chance. Fucker.

Lord K Philipson: The essence of Domination. That, and I like to be drunk.

Lumberjack: Likes forests and seems to go camping 24/7. I wanna camp with him. He’s fucken tr00 and all that shit since he enjoys the woods as much as I do.

Rafal: Real good guy and he’s really stepped up when it comes to writing over the years. Been with us from the early stages and always contributes material on a regular basis. That’s more than I can say about most on staff. The contribute-part that is.

Ripper Bendix: My German brother. Insane and awesome. And prolly a bit fag.

Ryan Samuel: Needs sex. From a girl. For a change. Should be dating Eric Wright, they are probably about the same age. Poor fuckers. They know nothing.

Statik Majik: One of my closest friends and the guy I owe everything to when it comes to GD and all the sites for the bands I do. Statik is ace. Fuck it, he’s a full deck of cards.

Stephen Fallen: Pretty clueless about this one. Is he still on staff? If he is, he’s writing very good. Kidding, he’s a good guy.

Syrrok: One of my fave-writers. Has a unique approach to his shit even if I don’t follow everything he says. Genuine guy and I hope he’s with us for a long time. He tried to quit once. Let’s just say I didn’t really accept that.

The Abyss: Our Asian chick. I’d fuck her under gunpoint. Then shoot her.

WeSatan: Wes and JD were the Fat Tag Team on GD until JD left. Now Wes is the fattest one. Haven’t seen any article from him in quite some time, which means I had to let him go as well… We need to get him a new tag-team partner. And just so you know, you forgot Tash in the list. I think she’s on staff anyways, but I’m not sure. You also forgot some other idiots, but fuck them.

Hey, I just went from the list that’s on the site, so fuck me. Now you’ve obviously done a number of live performances over the years with various bands of some proportions, which would be your favourite and why? Typical interview question yeah, but people eat this kind of shit up, so make it interesting. Tell us some funny drunken backstage stories, preferably including the words “midget, justice, buckler, hill and spellbook”…

Yeah, I’ve played a number of shows during the years and it’s hard to pinpoint the funniest one… I think one of the gigs with The Insects is up there though. And definitely all the memories I have from touring with Vomitory should make one of those Vomit-gigs a highlight. This could go on for quite a bit, but I’ll keep it somewhat short. The gig I had the highest expectations for was when I played with Dark Funeral at Wacken in front of 10000 people. The gig was complete shit though. Matte Modin’s trigger fucked up big time and the bassdrums sounded insane, making it quite hard to follow. I also only heard bass, really fucken insanely loud, so playing to fucked up bassdrums with nothing but bass in the monitor was a task. I pulled it thru ok but the feeling wasn’t there for shit. I had to walk across the huge stage and stand next to the drums to actually hear Matte hit his cymbals. Wacken suck cock.

Another funny one was the latest gig with The Insects in Karlstad. Really fun crowd and a great place to play at. That was good fun. A good story from backstage at that gig was that a guitar was stolen. Eh, not that good I guess. I had my fucken guitars on stage when this happened so mine could have been stolen as well, but lucky me, they weren’t. Then this other time at Wacken, backstage, I dried the rain off a table with a midget. Actually it was a German midget hailing from a hill in France who waved a spell-book at me and claimed he knew Jeff Buckler. I just had enough. The drying-part is true though. And he was German. Maybe. Amon Amarth’s Johan Hegg got credit for the act though, which is beyond me. They were there, as my witnesses, but I did the fucken drying-thing, dammit!

We did some really fun gigs in Japan with Dark Funeral as well. The last one at that tour was awesome. Also, one of the funniest was also with Dark Funeral, at Tuska in Finland. I was going there as a spectator, to watch one of my fave-bands play when Caligula calls me while I’m on the boat, asking: “Do you have the bass-cap with you?”. Hahaha… Then he talked me into playing the gig since they had to cancel otherwise. They knew I knew the songs and all so it was cool with me after a few seconds of thinking it over. I really wanted to see them though, haha… But some of the Insects and Vomitory-gigs have been the most fun so far. Vomitory ‘s one of the 5 best death metal bands in the world and as persons they are nothing but fucken outstanding. I love those fucken guys and thank them for some of the finest moments in my life.

Did you just say I was fine? Fuck… Moving on, I read on www.irrelevant-swedish-facts-and-random-porn-clips.com that you work as a chef? How does that work out for you? You know the saying “Bad-ass on the website, bitch in the kitchen!” We want details. Ever heard of a poutine? It’s Quebecois and delicious.

Quebec turned into Colorado Avalanche, that’s all I care about. I’m doing all fine in the kitchen, though I recently got unemployed which is nothing I cry over, haha…. I’m nothing special or anything in the kitchen, I cook decent food that looks and tastes fine and that’s that. It’s just a job and I don’t care too much for it. I just make sure it tastes fine and shit. Food is so fucken not metal. Can’t say I’m burning too much for the job, I burn for music. And Satan. And your thongs, you fucken fag.

Speaking of which, did you ever get that dress I sent you? Keep me posted, I’m gonna want pics. Now when it comes to writing, what is some of your favorite material on the site? You know, the shit that truly represents what GD is about. You can mention some from your profile, since you obviously have some of the best reviews/interviews on here (hello Ocular Faith).

The Ocular Penis review just happened. It’s a fucken load of crap, wrapped in crap, crap. I’ll go deeper into that with the next question. As far as fave-reviews goes, a few come to mind actually… The ones I’m personally most satisfied with are the ones of bands that I really, really like. Dark Funeral, Evanescence, and a few others. I don’t care to look the shit up, it’s easy to find what I have written so go thru them yourself, dick. We have a lot of good writers on the site. I love Syrrok’s humor, your insanity and much more. There’s not one writer on the site that I don’t like, or they wouldn’t be there in the first place. Some of them just give me “more” in their writing than others. But they are all good, in their own ways. When it comes to interviews, I prefer mine. Simply becoz I make them as I want to read them, you know. I want a balance of insane, irrelevant shit and good fucken questions. I want them to be funny and I want them to be serious. The standard-interviews published on every other fucken metal-site out there bores me to tears. This is just one of all the reasons why we fucken rule. And those reasons are countless. I wish more people did interviews for the site though. Interviews are fucken fun. Same with show-reviews, depending on who writes them of course.

So what exactly pushed you to write that Ocular Faith review the way you did? You do realize that it might be one of the best reviews ever written in the whole history of reviewing albums, right? Give us your take on how to properly bash an album with style, without sounding too pretentious and retarded…

Exactly what it displays is the first thoughts that came into my mind when I had to listen thru the fucken shit-thing. There was no other way to handle that review. It’s a shame it can’t be done like that all the time coz sometimes records and demos deserve that treatment, without a doubt. This was the first band that I instantly thought I had to fucken smash the fucken CD to pieces though. Says quite a bit about the content on it, right? The secret to write a really bashing review is simple… Try to write down the anger and shit this particular band gives you. Ocular Penis was so easy…

I actually enjoy the bands he listed as an influence, too bad his work was shit. Talk about musical desecration. Anyhow, I’ve assembled 10 famous quotes, mostly from influential writers, politicians and overall dicks. I cut the quotes half-way, and it’s up to you to finish them in your style. Ok, Erica?

Colin Powell (1937 – ): “There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and… being a flaming homosexual, dressed up in butter and syrup.

John Wooden (1910 – ): “You cannot live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to… notice it becoz he’s fucken dead.

Malcolm X (1925 – 1965): “Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you… check that you still got yer wallet.

Oprah Winfrey (1954 – Unfortunately still alive): “Every day brings a chance for you to draw in a breath, kick off your shoes, and… do shitloads of cocaine.

Gloria Steinem (1934 – ): “Each individual woman’s body demands to be… hung, quartered and consumed.

William Shakespeare (1564 – 1616): “Be not afraid of greatness: some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some have… shat themselves, and liked it.

Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968): “In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the… Manowar-gig last night.

Voltaire (1694-1778): “God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to… snort good drugs in the middle of the day.

General George Patton (1885-1945): “The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard… set his coyote on fire while screaming the lyrics to Rammstein’s “Mann gegen mann”.

Mao Tse-Tung (1893-1976): “Communism is not love. Communism is a hammer which we use to… build houses with.

(Note by the mane: Come on, I’m sure even fucking Stalin is giggling in his grave right now, may his soul burn in hell. Because all filthy communists go to hell, of course. Even the moderate ones. Yes, that includes you so-called “Social Democrats” too, fucking pinkos in disguise if you ask me… Burn.)

Bonus musical quote

Rob Halford (1951 – ) from “Evil Fantasies”: “We turn and face each other, My fingers pull your hair, You wince and jerk my… chicken? Please?

Man, that was amazing. Since quotes are fun, I’ve assembled a number of your own quotes from the forums, and it seems you really like video games. (I’ve added extra punctuation to put emphasis on the underlying emotions present as well as removed some of the swearing, but mostly the quotes are cut and pasted verbatim). Here goes:

“I absolutely love FarCry! I think I have played it thru like 5 times and I’m thinking about doing it again, with my new computer! I can’t believe I managed to run it fine with my old computer and its GeForce MX440-graphics card! Playing it with Radeon 9800 Pro 128 was a completely new experience, to say the least! I even had shadows, haha!! I can’t imagine what it’ll look like with my new shit, but I’m really curious!”

“One of the best games I have ever experienced! I can imagine war is like this at times! Need to be casual as you can and do all kinds of tactical moves to survive for a minute! Haha!”

“I think it’s safe to say that I have never played a game as difficult as this one! I had to struggle for 3 days in a row to get pass one mission, the end of it! Completely insane! And I play the normal level! Hard? Forget about it!”

“Darn it, I won’t give up until I have beat the damn thing! I just died for my last time today so now I’m off for TV, haha!!!”

And as if that wasn’t enough…

“And you were right! It took me like 2 hours to complete this last segment, just to notice it’s not the last, haha! What a game! And now I managed to pick wrong weapons for the next course, which means I will be in trouble! But I do have a new team with me now since they were all so dead with the last levels!”

“By the way, anyone ever played NHL 2006? Best game I ever played!!!”

“You need a good computer to say the least! I have been battling with (what I think must be this time) the last thing in this game for 3 hours, and I just can’t beat it! I was so darn close! But as this game has surprised me the last weeks, this is prolly not the end!”

“Hahaha, very true!! I really hated the first Half-Life!! A game better have my attention within 10 minutes or it’ll never going to have the joy of being played by me!!! No way!!”

So again I must ask you, are you a virgin? Please clear this up before we go any further. And why are video games so fun anyways?

Yes, I’m a virgin again. Taking those quotes out of their context really makes me look like a flaming gamer. And I guess that’s true… (Note by the mane: I really did try hard to make him look that gay. Seriously, I did.) As far as video-games go, fuck knows why most of us dig them as much as we do. What is so fun with running around shooting stuff? Or play NHL on the computer? How can it be fun to pretend you are playing with Peter Forsberg for 20 seasons? I have no idea. I think I should take up real chess. Or badminton. Badminton is a badass-sport, you know. I can seriously not imagine I’ll ever stop playing video-games. Neither can you. Life is nothing without video-games. And badminton. It’s insane how much the games have improved over the last 25 years. What the hell will they look like in another 25 years? I can definitely imagine myself sitting at my place playing games when I’m over 50. I’ll still team up with Forsberg in NHL 2061 or something. Not that that calculation made much sense, then again I always sucked cock when it comes to math. Math is not metal for shit.

That being said, have you ever done role-playing before, whether it be “Dungeons n Dragons” style, or even something more sexual? This one time, I was talking to some girl about wanting to do some role-playing with you. You know, I was thinking that I could be the tree, and you could be the jungle sloth climbing up in a slow yet very sensual way…

Shouldn’t it be the other way around since I’m 6’7 and yer like 4’5? Jungle Rot should change their name to Jungle Sloth, that’s a fucken killer-name. I have never done any RPG’s in real life, that’s what fucken Nightwish fans do, you know. I never understood the whole concept of that RPG-shit. Makes no sense to me. Sometimes I like to dress up in a cop’s uniform and handcuff my girlfriend though, but that’s another story. She’s just criminally sexy and bla bla bla…

For the record, I’m 6 ‘4 and a half. Which means that if I could stand on your penis, we’d be the same exact same height. So you and Statik started up that donation thing a while back, how’s that been going? Give the average asshole reader an idea of how much it costs to maintain this beautiful site, and have the donations been helping a lot?

Fuck yes, it helped us big time. Thanx to all the donations from the guys at the forums we have almost 2 years covered for the server now. We never thought anyone would help out with this but thought “what the fuck, we can at least try and see if any of the fucken fags on the forums wanna help out and give something back to us for a change”. And they fucken did. We thank everyone who donated shit for us, thanx so fucken much guys. Things like that really show that some appreciate what we do. This idea was actually all Statik’s, I think he was fed up with paying everything himself and as the gentleman he is he never asked me for any money whatsoever, haha… I never thought about it actually. Statik just did this all the time. Another reason why he fucken dominates yer asses. We’ll come back asking for money again in 2 years. And you fucken cocksuckers better pay or the world will go to hell.

I’m impressed, good work ladies. So how is the site doing, from a “daily hits” perspective? Have things improved since the big changes in the last few months? Please tell me we’re doing better than most of those other shitty metal sites. If not, this interview should help.

As far as daily hits go, we have around 600 unique hits each day. Considering how many people there is in this world that’s not much. Considering the ones who actually understand shit who visit us, it’s a lot. I think the word will get around, the site will grow bigger and so forth. I’m not striving to be the biggest site out there, I’m fully content with being the best. Quality over quantity, of course. I’m not sure what “big changes” you are referring to but I guess you mean Bolt Thrower leaving the forums and Entombed being kicked out? No matter how much I love Bolt Thrower they seem kinda weak when it comes to interacting with criticism and they got a lot of shit for the canceled Italy-gig (or whatever it was). I’m definitely disappointed in them giving up a while after that since I spent a lot of time monitoring their place and banning cocksuckers who came onto the forums, bitching as fuck even though they got an official explanation as for why the show was canceled. Entombed had to be kicked since they didn’t give a shit about the forum in the first place. I don’t know if this is what you referred to but I felt I needed to vent some anyways.

I was actually referring to when we changed servers (if that’s the proper expression) and had to switch all the material over to the new site. Regardless, your reply was satisfying, so let’s move on to one of the most important questions of this interview. Please tell me what you would do with the following objects/situations/people:

A ham sandwich, 2 dildos and “The Best of Chuck Norris” on DVD.

I’d try to insert those dildos into the TV when Chuck is on, just to see him karate his way thru them. Then I’d have the sandwich.

A kite and Steven Seagal.

I’d do an actor’s test between the two and applaud the kite as it would win. Steven Seagal is easily one of the worst fucken “actors” to ever appear in a film. He and Van Damme must be lovers. And I’m not sure who’s doing the most sucking.

What about a picture of me, a gram of coke, a houseplant and a fake twenty dollar bill.

I’d snort the coke, smoke the houseplant, do a striptease and give myself the fake 20 dollar bill and finally shoot a pellet-gun at yer photo.

One million dollars, an eye-patch and Verano from the forums.

I’d move to Hawaii and wear the eye-patch as a mole. Verano wouldn’t be allowed to join.

Pamela Anderson, a scooter and a custom-made sheep suit with antlers.

I’d dress Pamela up in that suit and then drive the scooter right into her ass. I’m sure it would fit, and hey, then me and Tommy Lee would be like, real tight. And that’s cool, dude. I’m like “Hey dude, dude. That’s awesome dude. Dude.”.

Ok, let’s be serious for a minute. What are you now, like 33 or something? How’s the metal world treating you? You play in 2 bands which seem to have a loyal following (The Project Straight & Fraud Among Insects), you have a decent amount of contacts in the biz, bla…bla… Do you consider yourself a happy individual? Do you go to bed every night satisfied, or yearning for more?

I’m definitely happy for what I have achieved musically, but of course I always want to do more or else I wouldn’t still be doing this. Yeah, I’ll be 33 in October. Getting old here now and it’s been a ride up ‘til this part of my life. I expect it to continue like this for another couple of thousand years. I like to keep myself busy with music and writing so I’m very chuffed with the current situation. The world needs what I create. Or not. Or the world just needs to be fucken drunk. Fuck if I care.

Staying on the same idea as the last question, what exactly are your goals in life? What else are you looking to achieve in the next X years? Jesus fuck, that sounds corny. Don’t worry, I’ll ask you something about beer and/or penises in the next question. But for now, if you had all the money you needed at hand, what projects and activities would you fulfill?

I’d build a house, a real nice fucken place with a killer-studio in it. And some fucken guy who would took care of it for me. Or at least the mixing of my stuff. I think I’d buy Dan Swanö and let him be there 24/7 and have him work his magic with all my studio-shit. When it comes to goals… I don’t think I have any exact goals except for writing killer-music and having a great time while doing it. Goals are overrated. It would be nice to be on a company who actually put some effort into what you do, you know, so one could sell a few copies of the albums we release and then in the end make more than 2 bucks for all the time invested in everything. Yes, it’s all about the money. I’m only in it for the fucken cash. Show me the mummy, bastard!

Now, why is the word “penis” so fucking funny? I’m a grown man, so are you, yet I will never get tired of seeing that slipped inconspicuously into our reviews. I still think “Guns N Penises” is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Axl Rose would probably concur. With a sense of humor like that, how is it doing reviews and interviews in an otherwise serious metal industry?

I seriously have no fucken idea what’s so damn funny when it comes to inserting the male genitalia into various sentences and/or band names. It just is hilarious. “Guns And Penises”, that’s poetry right there, you know. I guess, in the end, we just never grow up. In 99% of the cases, reviews are as fun as a bad penis (Rob Halford told me there are good ones) in a haystack. I fucken fall asleep reading reviews that are so serious a heart-attack pales in comparison. You need to have some humor in them to make it a good read, while making your point come across. Sometimes, fuck the point though, points are overrated anyways. GD is not a humor-site, but fuck knows we intend to have the sarcasm and humor in there. We are serious as a fucken penis with our shit. People fucken love us and respect us and do little without checking with us first when it comes to purchasing an album. If they didn’t work shit like that they’d be penises.

Incidentally, I did a search through MS Word while I was proofing and the word “penis” shows up 12 times so far in this interview (13 now). That’s almost an average of one appearance per question, so keep it up (fuck puns). Taking that into consideration, give us a Lord K rundown on these musical genres:

Rap: Rap to me is Beastie Boys, a band I fucken loved when I was younger. Naturally it was Kerry Penis from Slayer who turned me onto them. Today’s rap sounds nothing like that. I seriously dig a lot of the stuff that Eminem’s doing though. That guy is talented as fuck and I can see why he’s so fucken big. After that I’m not too fucken hooked on the genre.

Tr00 Kvlt Black Metal: Never liked it. Simply becoz it has a penis-production and I prefer my shit with a good sound. I like quality. I don’t find that in this specific style of music. Gimme today’s Dark Fucken Funeral. That’s black metal to me.

Jazz: Never cared for it. Gives me nothing whatsoever. Doesn’t groove for shit. Jazz is definitely penis. In a very, very bad way.

Techno: I’m a huge techno-fan which should come as no suprise to most. There are so many different styles of techno out there and I like most of it. The goa-branch is awesome, but preferably best appreciated while being drugged as a penis. Blümchen’s idiot-techno is fantastic. Completely off the wall together with shit-lyrics in German, haha… There’s no way not to love it. She’s done an extreme amount of shit as well, but hey, Blümchen is fucken King. The very simple techno of Alice DeeJay (I think she has died on me by the way) is another fantastic thing. She can’t sing for shit and yet it works so well. Astral Projection is another awesome band. They are the band that defines goa for me. Same goes for the earlier Prodigy-stuff, only they define techno/dance for me with those first 2 albums. That band really went to hell after “Penis for the jilted generation”, which is a huge shame. And not to forget, the fucken drum’n‘bass thing. I love that in small doses. Fucken Kosheen are fantastic and that girl has one of the best voices I have ever heard. There are so many fucken awesome acts when it comes to techno and the likes.

Electroclash: Whatever the fuck it is, I hate it.

Country: The country I can appreciate is some of Shania Twain’s stuff, and she can hardly be considered very country.

Metalcore: One of the worst fucken inventions ever. I completely despise it. I have no problem with the so-called “nu metal”, but metalcore… Man… I wish something kills every fucken metalcore band. They are the fucken wart on the penis of metal.

Opera: Fuck opera. And fucken everyone who’s singing it. Fat fucks. Die.

Mainstream commercial radio pop: Sometimes awesome, most of the time horrible.

Disco: Not really my thing. Disco to me is fucken Bee Gee’s, and that’s not exactly something I wanna hear that often. You remind me of Bee Gee’s.

You remind me of someone who likes to sleep with other men. Now insert a genre that I didn’t mention that you feel deserves to be commented on.

Nu metal: Still, to this day, I have no idea what it really is. Media started labelling Korn this and then all of a sudden everyone was nu metal. Korn’s got a unique sound (sure, they went down the penis with their latest offering, but hey…) and are still the only band I lump together with this label. Coal Chamber and whatever? They weren’t nu metal, they were fucken shit. Fuck Devildriver as well. Becoz I can.

Erica, I now want you to comment on these 10 alcoholic beverages/intoxicants:

Rum: Definitely has its moments. I actually got drunk on Bacardi the second time I was drunk in my life. It was in Spain and I tried to drink 50 cl of Bacardi. I didn’t finish it. Things have changed over the years though. Rum is nothing I drink on a regular basis though, I prefer beer.

Marijuana: I have smoked a few joints in the past and had some good times with it. It happens a few times a year now when I feel like it, but it’s not often at all. Lots of years ago I smoked quite a bit of hasch and during that period of time I created a lot of fucken music which I recorded at home. Those tunes are funny. I’m not that big on smoking dope actually. It’s fun sometimes but usually it gives me very little.

Cigarettes: I smoke, yes. I’m metal you know. There’s nothing like lighting up a cig while having a beer and playing yer guitar. I can’t see myself quitting any time soon I guess. You need to have some habits besides cross-dressing.

Cocaine: Tried it once or twice and it was a fun drug for sure. I can understand why people prefer this one over many other drugs. It’s good it’s pricey or else I’d consider using it on an hourly basis. Or not.

Ecstasy: Tried that as well a few times and it’s frighteningly good. I have some insane stories about this but I won’t share them. They are good memories, hahaha… It’s a shame I never did any music on E, I’m sure it would have been interesting to listen to now.

Vodka: Vodka is nice. Vodka gets you drunk real fast. I prefer Bloody Mary’s or White Russian’s.

Moonshine: In 99% of the occasions that’s what I drink if I drink booze. Makes no sense to pay shitloads of money for a bottle at the store when you can get twice as much for half the money from a friend.

Tequila: I dig this one. Drinks it every now and then and it always gets me drunk as fuck. Tequila-races are killer.

Heroin: Never tried it, never will. I think heroin is the choice of losers. But I’m sure the ones who use it have a blast while being on it. Obviously until it’s time for it to exit the system, that is.

Beer: My choice of weapon. It needs to be fucken ice-cold though.

Again, insert your inebriant of choice and comment.

Jägermeister: Good shit once in a while. I remember when me and J (Sandström) were at a festival and hung out backstage… We went up to the bar where we had free booze and asked for two big glasses of Bailey’s. The guy says he’s sorry, doesn’t have that but he’s got Jäger. We gladly accepted and got 2 glasses with some 50 cl in each. Bailey’s and Jäger aren’t exactly the same, hahaha… Needless to say, me and J didn’t do much after those glasses (yes, we were pretty drunk even before those glasses) and all I can remember is a little house, a few cops and a fucken pool. Probably one of my most drunken moments.

Incidentally, why the fuck am I interviewing you anyways? I don’t particularly like your music, you dissed Steven Seagal, we haven’t had a cyber-date in like two weeks, etc. On the other hand, I do find myself thinking about you a lot. Wanna dance? Hold me. And while we’re at it, are you enjoying yourself so far? I sure as fuck am.

Yeah fucko, this is a load of fun. You definitely know how to conduct an interview and I know it’s becoz you have watched the master of interviews (namely me) closely, in alot of aspects… And I’m damn proud of it. Good work, bitch. Come here and I’ll fucken squeeze you all tight and shit.

Haha, fucking rice queen. I knew it. But it’s true that your interviews are quite possibly some of the best I’ve ever read, so cheers to that. By the way, if the statue of liberty was a big statue of Lord K instead, what would the inscription at the bottom read (aside from “Loves the cock”, of course)?

“Bigger and better than everyone else. Oh, and more drunk too, bitch.”

Ok, back to actual questions now. You’ve been involved in the Swedish metal scene for quite some time now, how is it compared to the early 90’s? Take your time and elaborate, since you must have some interesting details to throw in. Which people were assholes when you hung out with them? Everybody loves a good “band X were fucking dickheads” story.

Yeah, I’ve been around for quite some time now and pretty much know all the who’s who and shit, which is just natural since it’s not that big a country. Compared to the 90’s it’s a lot more… competitive in some ways. Back in the day everyone was fucken close friends and made sure to help out with every friend’s band and so on, spreading flyers and buying the shirts etc, etc… I don’t see that anymore. It was great times for sure and the atmosphere was awesome. I was in Stockholm quite a lot when the boom happened and we just hung out and drank and had parties at every fucken possible occasion we could. Lovely times indeed. I am still in contact with alot of the people from that time and that feels great. I never really had any problems with anyone when it comes to bands, just some minor incidents but those are with small shit-bands no one ever heard of. They couldn’t take the criticism I gave them in my fanzine at the time, and as always I didn’t give a fuck about it. They sucked, and that had to be told, just as today with what I write. That’s how it is. I’m trying really hard to come up with some band that was completely bollocks when it comes to the guys themselves but I’m drawing a fucken blank here.

What about that fanzine that you mentioned at the beginning of this interview, how did that initially start off, and why did it end? Again, details. Any specific reviewers that inspired you to write the way you do, and have you always written that way?

I can’t remember why I started it but it was quite early, 1990 or something like that. I think I just felt I wanted to write and do interviews and a fanzine was the medium for that at the time. It was a chance to give back a little to the artists that inspired me in some way and it was also a good thing to do it so people actually had something of quality to read, you know. I actually planned to continue with it but after 3 issues of it I wanted to change the format and started doing it in A3. When I was about done with that issue it came to my knowledge that the place where I printed it couldn’t print on paper that big, which means the shit was fucked. It pissed me off and some time after that I decided to call it quits, but I can’t remember why really. I guess I didn’t want to re-build the issue at hand in a smaller format. I actually have that half-finished issue 4 in one of my drawers and it looks real good and would have turned out to be an awesome read. It’s so much easier now, with the computers and ‘net and all, back at the time it was fucken typewriters, glue and scissors that made the work. I loved it, it was a blast. I got to meet a lot of cool people and some dicks as well during that time as I visited a lot of gigs and did interviews and so forth. As I couldn’t bring up the cool/shit-list in the previous question, I’ll do it here instead.

The kindest, most awesome guys I ever met were Kelly, Steve and the magnificent Roger (rest in peace, friend) of Atheist. Those guys were so fucken awesome, invited us to the hotel for beers and shit. I have told this story sometime before so I don’t have the strength to go thru it all again, but Roger is single-handedly the nicest musician I have ever met, that’s for sure. I didn’t mention Rand of Atheist coz he was kinda in the background all of the time and I didn’t speak much to him, so… When it comes to assholes, I think Glen Benton is up there. He was just plain silly at the time and the interview was pure shit. The other guys of Deicide didn’t exactly impress me either. I’m sure they are cool as fuck today but at the time they just felt as they took themselves way too seriously for their own good. I met a lot of cool people thruout the years. Mostly everyone’s cool but occasionally there’s an asshole and I prefer not to spend my time with assholes.

I’d love to read that interview you did with Glenton. And Atheist was a great band. Alright Samantha, it’s fun time. Throw in a quick sentence about each one of these bands associated with GD.

2 Ton Predator: Went from a Pantera-clone to something really good. They thrash with the best of them and deserve a hella lot more recognition. It’s a shame they don’t know how to promote themselves for shit, haha. Lazy bums.

Aeon: One of my fave death-metal bands. And I completely love their over the top lyrics.

Dark Funeral: My fave black metal band. It’s been an honour to have helped them out with a few gigs.

Gorefest: Always liked them a lot and it feels awesome to have them on the forums, interacting as much as they do. I met Ed and Boud when I played with Vomitory in Holland and those guys blew me… away, I mean. Awesome people.

Sanctification: Another killer death metal band. Definitely deserves more attention as well.

Satariel: Have a pretty damn unique sound and I dig it as fuck. It’s weird they aren’t more well-known.

The Mighty Nimbus: The only band on GD I’m not a big fan of. Not my type of music, simple as that. I don’t even know why the fuck they are on the forums or how it happened, but I’m glad they are coz they are good guys, though pretty unknown.

Vicious Art: Excellent shit. Awesome guys. And my closest fucken friend plays with them.

Vomitory: Probably the best death metal band around in my eyes. After playing with them for a few gigs it all fell into place as to how extremely fucken awesome they are. I love them. Absolutely love them. And Tobben is one of my closest friends as well. A fucken genuine guy to the core and someone I’d fucken trust my life with.

Bolt Thrower: Bailed on us. Love them but lost a bit respect for them after they left since I worked my ass off defending them after they canceled a fucken gig somewhere, as mentioned before. Still one of my fave-bands though.

Defleshed: Liked their last album but they disbanded so they naturally aren’t with us anymore.

Entombed: Seems like they lost their touch long ago, but I like the new EP. Never cared about the forum and should have been kicked out ages ago.

If I forgot any bands who joined and left before my sexy-ass got here, throw ‘em in too.

Rotten Sound was with us for a while. Then they wanted some special rules for their forum only which is not how we run things. So they left. Good guys though. After Rotten Sound I can’t remember if we had any other bands there…

That being said, if it was up to you, which bands would you like to add to the GD roster? I know you’ve accepted quite a few suggestions regarding this on the forums, so what’s your take on this? You do know Human League reformed recently, right? I’d love to have Human League at GD, I would chat with them all the time! And also, any bands tell you to literally fuck off when you asked them to join?

I don’t think anyone’s turned us down, but I guess if they don’t reply to the e-mails they are not interested. I’d appreciate getting a mail saying “Thanx, but we are fags and wanna stay at our fag-forum” instead of no reply at all. I want Naglfar on GD. Excellent band and from what I have heard they are interested but I haven’t gotten a mail from them for ages so fuck it for now. Illdisposed would have been cool to have as well as Panzerchrist, but they don’t seem interested either. No reply about it yet… Human League? Hahahaha… Sure. You are fucked up.

I fucking hate this question, but I’m sure you’ll make it interesting. Give our readers a nice visual of what me and you did last night, especially that part when you were pretending to be the door to my favourite tool shed, and I was looking to fix your hinges. No, my bad. I mean give us a typical Lord K day, morning to night. In addition, how many fucking PM’s and e-mails do you get per day? I imagine you get a substantial amount of useless b.s…

Yeah, hahaha… Man… I was the door to yer favourite toolshed, hahahaha…. Anyways, I don’t get that many mails or PM’s. Around 10 PM’s a day and prolly about some 10-30 e-mails. It’s not much. But I definitely make sure to answer each and every mail I get, I think that’s important. If a fan of my music/site takes the time to write us a letter with a question, the least I can do is spend 1 minute on it and reply to him/her, you know. I don’t understand why everyone isn’t working like that. Communication is fucken important. When it comes to a regular day, I get up around 6 or so, drink some coffee, check the mail, play some games, check the forums, play guitar, etc, etc… Usually I go out walking, buy some shit to eat and so on. Nothing fancy here. I just go thru the weeks waiting for a good reason to be drunk.

And isn’t this interview perfect for the occasion? Now answer these with a “Fuck yeah”, “Hell no” or anything else you see fitting. Has Lord K ever…

Wanted to fire certain staff members for not writing enough?

Fuck yeah. And the time has come to do it.

Wanted to fire certain staff members for not being straight enough?

Fuck no. They are all gay and you are the leader of that gay-army.

Wanted to fire certain staff members for repeating themselves too much while writing, no matter how swift & witty they are?

Fuck no.

Thought about shaving his beard?

Fuck yeah. But I have had it for so long now I think it’ll stay for some more years definitely. I look good in beard. Great even.

Considered playing another brand of guitars aside from Jackson? (Like one, for example, that doesn’t sound like shit??)

Watch it, bitch. In the past: Fuck no. Now: Fuck yeah. After the refusal from Jackson for endorsement I see no reason to keep myself to them exclusively. After all the fucken promotion I have done for those cocksuckers and I get nothing in return, fuck them. I’ll always play my Rhoads though. The best guitar I ever played. I have a ESP/LTD now as well which feels fucken awesome and I’m curious about a Schecter at some point.

Wanted to get a Peter Forsberg tattoo on his ass? (It’s not like anyone would see it anyways, so it’s not that big of a commitment…)

Fuck no, but I’m thinking about getting a “21” somewhere on my body, in honour of The Greatest.

Thought he would make a good politician?

Hahahahaha… Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck no. Or wait, me or Forsberg?

Thought he would make a good porn star?

Fuck, fuck, fuck no. I’m too lazy and my cock is hardly big enough. But Mrs K thinks I’d make for a good porn star. I’m confused now, are you referring to me or Forsberg here as well?

Caught himself yelling out “Oopsy-Daisy!!!” after accidentally dropping something?

Fuck no. That’s too hetero.

Considered the possibility of quitting/ceasing the whole GD site, regardless of the reason?

Fuck no. Not yet anyways. When I do, you’ll all fucken notice.

Woke up one day, smiled, rolled up into a ball and purred?

Fuck yeah, except for the purring-part…

That’s not what you said last night. Anyhow, as one of the main site administrators, what is the biggest advantage and the biggest disadvantage of running a bad-ass metal site?

Shit’s being run as I want it to be run. A disadvantage is that I need to fucken proof all the shit, which I fucken loathe. I need to get someone there who wants to do this since the actual staffers are beyond retarded and can’t write for fucken shit when it comes to spelling and grammar, but their hearts makes up for it, haha… It’s good to be doing GD. We are not the biggest, we just settle for being the fucken best, as mentioned.

You fucking got that right. Now we’re almost done here, so it’s time to share some of your wisdom with us. You’ve obviously been around for a while and have seen your own fair share of fucked up shite. In your own humble opinion, what would be the single, most valuable lesson you’ve learned as an individual? (Whether it be regarding the music industry, or just life in general)…

Never invite fishy Canadians to the staff.

Who said anything about William Shatner??? Fuck, we’re already done here. Fuck me. Leave us with some final words, hopefully including the words “leather penis” and “disco”, since those are the highlights of this whole “interview” so far. Tell us what Lord K is all about. And go ahead and ask me something too, because I know you bear about me.

What I am about to you guys is my music and my writing. What I’m about to my beloved girlfriend is my penis. Or is it the other way around? Anyways, it’s raining in Sweden and it seems like my leather-penis and non-existing disco-albums are going camping today. I’m thinking about bringing some albums with me, what to choose, bitch?

Well, for you I’d probably suggest the compilation “Snazzy songs for gay people going on sexually ambiguous camping trips”, I’ve heard it was pretty decent. Human League’s “You like men and you know it, so you might as well just accept it and have fun on your camping trip” is also strongly recommended, especially the track “Nice fish you caught there, too bad you’re still a flaming homo”. Otherwise, you can’t go wrong with some old-school classic rock. Perfect for building fires, drinking beer, fishing and overall forest rampaging. I’m sure you guys will have fun, make sure you send us some pics (I hope you brought the dress).

That being said, this concludes one hell of an interview. My MS Word “penis counter” only goes up to 20, and we passed that mark a long time ago. Good job. I had a fucking ball, and I hope our reader will also enjoy it. Maybe I should ask him. How about you Erica, wasn’t this fun? Anyhow, thanks for the great fucking interview, and I fucking love you. Cheers from the mane.

Thanx alot man, this has been a blast. It’s awesome to see another killer-interview at the site and I’m sure every penis reading it enjoys it as well. Now, fuck off, I have cocaine to snort. I’ll wear the dress while doing it.

(Note by the mane: This is some final bonus material that I’m throwing in. I was going to send K a couple of my favorite songs for him to check out, then post his comments here. Of course, I eventually decided to pick non-metal songs, since that made it even more entertaining. Since some of the shit I was going to send him was fairly obscure, I decided to pick videos through YouTube, so he could actually see what he was dealing with (hello Human League). I’ve also included the links here, so anybody can see what I put him through. I fucking love YouTube, and you should too. Careful though, the list starts off with a bang…)

Larry Graham & Graham Central Station Pow!

There’s just something so completely fucken wrong with you, Fish. The fucken Richard Pryor look-a-like fag in the orange suit doing bass and vocals kills me, not to mention the song. You have so convinced me, the drugs you use fuck you up. And definitely not in a good way.

Lamb Cotton Wool

While the video is fantastically gay, the music is not that bad, but the fucken video sure is. Not to mention the bitch singing fell down the ugly mountain. Quite a few times. Again I have no idea why the fuck you know about shit like this. I should wrap you up in cotton wool and fucken piss on you.

Human League Keep Feeling Fascination

Yes, I think I have found my fave-band to kill. Human League is quite possibly the faggiest thing I have ever seen since the e-mails I get from you. I just hope no one ever listened to this fucken “band”. It takes talent to suck this much. I want them dead, man. Dead, I tells you. And you are slowly moving into this list as well for having me sit thru this garbage.

Nid n Sancy Sleaze Boogie

Didn’t I already see and hear this shit? Again, I have no idea why I even think this is ok. The video is fucken shit, the song is better than the video, not that it’s saying much. “This is what you want, this is what you get”. Yes, obviously. There’s something about this title that makes me hate them though. I’d fuck the whore at the mic though. With a 10 foot pole.

The Smiths This Charming Man

The Smiths is one of those bands who never should have surfaced. Complete and fucken utter fag-o-mania. What the fuck is he waving around during the whole song? (Note by The Mane: Flowers. Yes, flowers. Morrissey is the man. Only in the proverbial sense, of course.) And more importantly: why? Is it adding to the fantastic story of the song? Jesus man, why the hell are you doing this to me… You said you loved me. I’m officially breaking up with you.

Throbbing Gristle Discipline

Wow. Just wow. The level of Suck just increased. Someone please, please, please shoot these fucken idiots. And shoot everyfuckenone who ever claimed they listen to this fucken shit. What A FUCKEN LOAD OF COMPLETE DIARREAH! They should go on tour with Ocular Penis. In Iraq.

Kate Bush Wuthering Heights

Kate sounds and looks like she’s on fucken helium and crack in this one. I actually thought this would be ok but knowing you I should have known better. Kate scares me, and few things scare me.

Juvenile Ha

Did you even try to find something that was remotely good, Fisher? Juvenile can go fuck himself and take his fucken hood with him. I fucken hate this shit. Ass-video and ass-artist. Figures.

Ladytron Evil remix

Are those girls or guys? I have heard worse but the visuals is up there with the rest of the shit you so nicely got me suffering thru here. I’m getting a fucken insane headache, thank you.

Bootsy Collins Party On Plastic

Now I’m as close to speechless as I can possibly get. This can’t be for real. Please tell me it’s not for real. I shall hit you in the face for this. Why, why, why…

Devo Whip it!

Man… What a fucken video this is… Pure genius. I hope all of the people involved in this video are in hell, suffering. When I get there I’ll fucken open a world of whoop-ass on them for this.

(Note by the mane: Wasn’t that entertaining? I think I caught K with his funk down. Other honorable mentions were videos by ADULT., Front 242, Cabaret-Voltaire, Gang of Four, Sade, DAF, The The, and several other of my favorite jams. Of course, I figured I put him through enough already… Cheers bitches!)