Global Domination

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Global Domination

Reviews

A Poetic Yesterday: A little south of zero

04/10/08  ||  Global Domination

This review was written by ex-staffer/cocksmoker AMP.

Rising Records keep us afloat by sending us a shiny copy of every album they release. We should sell them for scrap. I mean, it’s very nice of them to give us all this free stuff, but I’m not sure it’s doing them any more favours than us. In fact, unless I’m mistaken we’ve not once given them a favourable review. There could be any number of reasons for this, but let’s not beat around the bush; Rising Records sucks at music and particularly at metal. But I ought to stick to the band in question here – A Poetic Yesterday – perhaps they’re the diamond in the mountain of shit?

You guessed it; no.

In a perfect world, K would allow me a moment of indolence and accept a photograph of a hobo dead in a pool of piss, turd and vomit in place of any writing in this article. This is not a perfect world, and the fact that bands like A Poetic Yesterday are paid to make albums is proof. Alright, so this isn’t metal and I have no real right to judge it on a metal site, but the marketing guys at Rising have no right to force it on my ears either, so they can go stick this fatigued emo circle jerk up their asses ‘til it makes them scream with angst and misplaced hauteur.

The worst thing about this pathetic ladyboy metal is that every weaselly overproduced guitar chord that comes out (of the closet) at you during the weedy redneck breakdowns really believes it’s the heaviest thing since sliced lead, despite any piece of music since “Summer of ’69” being clear evidence to the contrary. If that wasn’t bad enough, then even the melodic side of this two-pronged (one-eyed) monster is, at best, flung together at random and, at worst, probably actively trying to piss me off with predictability and prosaic harmonic drone.

There are already a hundred other bands out there right now doing the very same thing as these lame kids – why do we need another warbling tone-deaf singer and another pair of bored guitarists who think that shouting “woah“s in the chorus is pertinent to anything other than the question of whether or not you should piss in your empty bottle before you throw it at the cunts on stage? Worst of all, why do we need these constant reminders that Taking Back Sunday weren’t strangled at birth? I’d have thought one atrocity would be too much already, without these hopeless young upstarts recreating it every day. Fuck off, A Poetic Yesterday.

Since the album finished playing in my stereo I’m finding it harder to find the words to do this band injustice, so to close I’ll offer a snippet of the sophisticated discourse that is the band’s MySpace comment box:

“OMG, I freaked when I opened Kerrang! and saw a APY advert.”

Yes, you are a freak, and I hope tomorrow is full of prose.

2.5 out of 10, because some of APY’s pitiful scenester brethren are even worse.

• Information
• Released: 2008
• Label: Rising Records
• Website: A Poetic Yesterday MySpace
• Gavin Stewart: vocals
• Matt Youl: guitar and vocals
• Ryan Stewart: bass
• Dave “Davio” Yarnell: drums
• Rich Marshall: guitar and vocals

• Tracklist
• 01. A Little South of Zero (intro)
• 02. Firefighters Fight Fires!
• 03. Countdown vs Catchphrase = Jeremy Kyle
• 04. Tony Jaa Will Kick Your Ass
• 05. My Hairstyle Defines Me
• 06. Skellatella
• 07. I Can Sea the Seller
• 08. The Gloves Are Off, Is that a Wedding Ring?
• 09. Thermite Plasma on Your Steel Supports
• 10. Serenade For Spiders
• 11. The Movie

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