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Reviews

A Silver Mount Zion: He has left us alone but shafts of light sometimes grace the corner of our rooms

17/04/08  ||  Global Domination

This review was written by ex-staffer/cocksmoker Cliffmosher.

This is less of a review and more of a guide. If you ever find yourself at a party talking to a hot chick you may be inclined to massage her ego and agree with views you normally wouldn’t as a means to woo her to bed. This can apply to a large array of topics, though most predominate of these is said to be music. So let’s picture the scene: a girl across the room gives you a look and raises her eyebrow as though your alternative attire makes you a more interesting person. She makes her approach and after the initial exchange of greetings the fun begins.

“So…” she says provocatively: “…what kind of music do you like?”

“Metal” you reply instantaneously, as though she couldn’t already tell by your long hair and faded jeans.

The hot chick takes this as an opening to begin listing rock groups her brother listens to as her own favorite bands, so you’ll think she’s hip and in the know. If you’re anything like most average frustrated chumps you’ll cup your beer in both hands and point one finger at her while raising your eyebrows and nodding each time you hear the words “Foo Fighters” and “Smashing Pumpkins” slip from between her cock sucking lips. Deep down you know this is shallow of you as you haven’t listened to either of them since your friend first got you into Slayer all that time ago. Truth be told, you couldn’t really give a fuck about those bands or her taste in music, just so long as she shows you where she pisses from later in the evening. So you finish your beer, shrug off the guilt and call it all harmless flirting.

But is it?

What you think is just a cute girl at a party may actually be an evil concubine from hell sent to destroy your soul with tremendously fucking awful music by a band called A Silver Mount Zion, and the scene I set above is an example of the early warning signs that this is happening to you.

For some ridiculously gay reason a large majority of people seem to assume metal heads will like this dribble, as though blast beats and pretentious wank go hand in hand. Though it isn’t always a girl, I often find conversations about music turn from metal to fag around the same point the person I’m talking to asks whether I like Kyuss. “They’re not bad” I answer, to which they reply “Oh, well if you like post rock you should check out A Silver Mount Zion”. Ugh. No, I most certainly fucking shouldn’t you fucking moron. This conversation normally ends with me shitting through the cunts letter box to demonstrate my loathing for this pointless fucking band.

And let’s talk about the bullshit behind the album. “He has left us alone but shafts of light sometimes grace the corner of our rooms” is the Canadian based bands 2000 debut album and is just as long and pretentious as its title, so points to the fuckheads for being consistent. I picked it because it was the shortest album I could find by them so I wouldn’t have to listen to this shit longer than necessary. Wikipedia says something about the band being formed by one of the faggots from Godspeed You! Black Emperor who’s dog died and wanted to learn music theory. Instead what he learnt was how to sample strings recorded in a mall for 25min at a time. It also says the album was initially to be titled “He has left us alone” but the same cock sucker from before sat down and accidentally shoved his head a little further up his arse when he went down on record saying that title wasn’t enough to convey the mood of the album, followed by some philosophical shit about restraints on song and album titles. None of this shit is important because the band is so fucking irrelevant to Global Domination, and although I pride myself on taking the effort to research all the shit I review, in this case you can just google the rest.

And how’s it sound? Fucking boring. Lots of sad strings and piano that occasionally play some really lovely riffs, but all this is pissed away when they repeat the same thing for 400 years with nothing interesting happening. They’ll increase the tempo every few minutes as a flawed attempt to keep you awake, maybe add a sample here and there, and that’s about it really. I wrote so much about picking up sluts simply because there’s nothing on this album to review. It’s all just atmospheric wank that could maybe be used to score a film, but then your film would suck. I’d tried going to sleep to one of their albums once but it just gave me the shits. I find it so hard to believe they now have 7 cunts in this poor excuse for a band yet they still couldn’t get it right. Fuck off.

I find it amusing that all the friends of mine who like this band are either female or gay. There for I can honestly say that everyone who likes this band sucks cock by choice. I fucking rule. And to conclude my guide on musical integrity, whenever someone recommends you check out A Silver Mount Zion, whether it be a hot bitch or otherwise, don’t bother. I don’t care how polite or musically open minded you feel you need to appear, end the conversation and cut your losses with the person. Otherwise you may wake up shivering in a puddle of your own bile and sweat with a burnt copy of A Silver Mount Zion in your cd collection and no idea how you or it got there.

Appendix:

For the sake of the lulz, I’ve compiled an appendix of some of the terms I used within this review. I’ve italics them throughout the text and listed them in order of appearance.

Hot chick: object of desire to plant your seed.
Alternative: polite for outcast.
Hip: gay.
In the know: frequents Wikipedia.
Average frustrated chump: not getting laid.
A Silver Mount Zion: Coma-inducing band from Canada who change their name every fucking album to confuse people into thinking they’ve different.
Post rock: Shitty sub genre that, like all sub genres, doesn’t need to exist.
Godspeed You! Black Emperor: Another shitty band people think metal heads will enjoy just because one of their songs got the fuck edited out of it on that zombie movie.

Awful, awful, awful, awful!

1 poor fucking recommendation out of 10.

  • Information
  • Released: 2000
  • Label: Constellation
  • Website: www.tra-la-la-band.com
  • Band
  • Efrim Menuck: piano, guitar, organ, vocals, radio
  • Thierry Amar: contrabass, bass
  • Sophie Trudeau: violin, vocals
  • Tracklist
  • 01. Broken Chords Can Sing a Little
  • 02. Sit In the Middle of Three Galloping Dogs
  • 03. Stumble Then Rise on Some Awkward Morning
  • 04. Movie (Never Made)
  • 05. 13 Angels Standing Guard ‘round the Side of Your Bed
  • 06. Long March Rocket or Doomed Airliner
  • 07. Blown-out Joy from Heaven’s Mercied Hole
  • 08. For Wanda

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