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Reviews
Apostle Of Solitude: Sincerest misery
03/11/08 || Global Domination
As a general rule, I tend to avoid reviewing the stuff that’s sent to us by labels. I don’t know why it happens, but man, do we receive some piles of hot, steaming doo-doo or what? I’m not the appointed crap album basher on staff, that task gets done in much better fashion by many of my colleagues, so I prefer to review other random albums that impress me. So when I decided to take on this “Sincerest Misery” album from these Apostle of Solitude guys, I was fearing the worst: miserably wasting my time listening to some retarded band, when I could be doing something more productive like jerking off or picking my nose, you know?
As anyone can gather from that band name and album title, these guys are either dedicated to doom metal or utter faggots. Or both. You’d never know, eh? Anyway, since I like doom a fucken lot, I thought I would probably dig it, unless…
Yeah, it fucken had to be. They play just the sort of doom metal that irritates the fuck out of me. Aside from a couple of moments at random during some of the songs, Apostle of Solitude exhibits those annoying Black Sabbath clone tendencies that I can’t fucken stand, maneuvering their way through those influences quite clumsily in fact. There are more than a few melodies that stuck out painfully, like a penis shaped cactus in an Arctic glacier. Why? They convey a happy, folk festival feeling that takes the doom factor away and completely ruins the atmosphere. Add to that an absolutely pathetic and weak vocalist, and that’s it: teh suck is at hand! Except for a couple of songs, like the title track and “this Dustbowl Earth”, this glaring flaw is visible and extremely irritating.
In the middle of all this cock slurping, you can’t help but notice that these guys have some potential and from time to time they get it right. They are competent at playing their instruments; it’s their vocals songwriting skills that are letting them down. They need to get a decent vocalist in, a mandatory requirement for this genre. You can’t expect to cut it with such half-assed, featureless singing conveying your message. Refining their song structures will fucken help, you know? Make it heavier; get rid of the carnival riffs and concentrate in darkening the moods and the improvements will be palpable.
Apostle of Solitude can definitely get better; after all, this is only their debut. I hope they do, I’m always ready to listen to some decent doom. At present time though, this “Sincerest Misery” is an experience akin to having your gloomy night of doom under the full moon ruined when you splash into a huge pool of urine.
4 turd-munching vocalists out of out of 10.
- Information
- Released: 2008
- Label: Eyes Like Snow
- Website: www.apostleofsolitude.com
- Band
- Chuck Brown: guitar, vocals
- Justin Avery: guitar
- Brent McClellan: bass
- Corey Webb: drums
- Tracklist
- 01. The Messenger
- 02. Confess
- 03. The Dark Tower
- 04. A Slow Suicide
- 05. Last Tears
- 06. This Dustbowl Earth
- 07. Warbird
- 08. Sincerest Misery