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Cryptopsy: The unspoken king

08/05/08  ||  Euthanatos

You were expecting this, weren’t you? I bet your cock is hard with anticipation. Just what will Global Domination say of the new Cryptopsy? Will they tear Flo a new asshole? Will they be gentle? Read on and see!

Have you ever tried taking a shit that was massive and didn’t quite seem to have the adequate shape for leaving your butthole? You spend minutes, hours even, sweating and trying to expel this evil mammoth from your insides, only to feel ripped, torn, ravaged, raped? That’s “The Unspoken King”. It is a hard, brutal, evil piece of shit that just won’t end. You don’t really notice it for the first couple of songs (not counting the useless intro). Matt McGachy, the new vocalist, sounds like your average death metal growler, with some dangerous American metalcore screams thrown into the mix to freak us out. And then comes “Bemoan the Martyr”. It’s just… How can I say this? It’s fucking ridiculous and hilarious, that’s what it is. Cryptopsy? More like Deftones. If you like Deftones, or Chevelle, or something gay like that, you’re gonna love this. Emo vocals. Full of suffering. I was raped by daddy and mommy wasn’t there. She was drunk and having sex with Uncle Jack. And Uncle Jack touched my pee pee when I went to sleep. “The Plagued” has also some lovely vocals. Kinda like Linkin’ Park meets Killswitch Engage. Or As I Lay Dying. Or Every Time I Die. Pick one. No, really, it makes no difference.

Instrumentally, the band have taken a terrible plunge as well. It seems like they took everything that made Cryptopsy what it is, scratched it with complete disregard and said, “HEY, LET’S TRY AND SOUND LIKE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER AND LAMB OF GOD. THOSE GUYS ARE COOL, RIGHT?”. What you get isn’t really Black Dahlia Murder or Lamb of God. It’s not even A Dozen Furies. It’s a hybrid of metal core, death metal, My Chemical Romance and pink dildos flying about. Oh yeah, and they have a chick doing the keyboards now. No, I did not notice her presence in this album. I swear.

It’s a shame, really, because we know these guys have the chops. Flo Mournier is playing better than ever, his versatility and overall technique sound simply amazing. But the song structures and production sound so juvenile and pretentious, it’s just impossible to appreciate what little there is to admire here. They top things off with an outro that sounds like a Nirvana song. No, I’m not fucking kidding.

I think I’ve said this a few times, that evolving is not, I repeat, NOT the same thing as going gay. If you think taking cock up your ass is great, if you love the feeling of a beard rubbing against your face, if you like man hands grabbing your hips, that’s all good, bro, to each his own. But don’t fuck up your band. Haven’t we learned that sideprojects are allowed? Has anyone ever heard of those? No? Please see Hypocrisy/Pain and the like and enlighten yourself. A pale shade of what once was a seminal death metal band, Cryptopsy really managed to fuck up this time.

The cover: There are two things that save this album from getting a zero. One, is Flo’s drumming. Two, it’s the album cover, which looks awesome. Looks like a dark painting of a castle.

2 Flo is a really manly name, when you think about it out of 10.

  • Information
  • Released: 2008
  • Label: Century Media
  • Website: www.cryptopsy.net
  • Band
  • Matt McGachy: vocals
  • Alex Auburn: guitars, backing vocals
  • Christian Donaldson: guitars
  • Eric Langlois: bass
  • Maggy Durand: keyboards
  • Flo Mounier: drums, backing vocals
  • Tracklist
  • 01. Worship Your Demons
  • 02. The Headsmen
  • 03. Silence The Tyrants
  • 04. Bemoan The Martyr
  • 05. Leach
  • 06. The Plagued
  • 07. Resurgence Of An Empire
  • 08. Anoint The Dead
  • 09. Contemplate Regicide
  • 10. Bound Dead
  • 11. (Exit) The Few