Global Domination

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Aeon

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Hail of Bullets

My Own Grave

Ram-Zet

Sanctification

The Project Hate

Torture Division

Vicious Art

Vomitory

Global Domination

Reviews

Portrait: Portrait

06/05/08  ||  Global Domination

This review was written by ex-staffer/cocksmoker Desolator.

Introducing… a fucking clone that you won’t care to get to know. These fellas have been listening to Mercyful Fate I can see. And this band is a wannabe contender for the said Fate. I volunteered to cover this because I was interested in taking any possible piss out of this band, without taking golden showers from their penises (flaccid or inflated) of course. Also, Lord K was going to kill every one in the GD crew with a teabag if this review request was ignored. Oh the dreaded teabag…

I shudder at this prospect and would cover any band to prevent this from happening. This isn’t quite the only shudder you’d emit, if you fucking despise bands with no personality of their own, like the one I’m reviewing. I tell you, they’re losing a LOT of points for this blatant plagiarism attempt. I was told that this band was a Mercyful Fate wannabe band and I took it as Satanic Gospel. And according to Murphy’s Law (a part that has yet to be written, but still exists) neo-pure-bred old school bands don’t usually sound as good as the real thing, right? I’ve found numerous Darkthrone and Bathory clones and a good portion of them sucked so hard that they took a trip back in time. That would explain why only a few people gave a damn about them in the first place.

This Portrait sure has a lot to offer in the talent department, but I can’t say the same for the creativity aspect. If this intends to be a Mercyful Fate clone for its entire lifespan, then there can’t really be any notable ounce of a personality to be found. Clones have no personality of their own since they tend to borrow someone else’s when they are born. For a band to be creative, it must have its own original twist. That is law and to defy it is punishable by death by overgrown toenail clippings. Sure, the riffs are different and not as good, but they copy-pasted the premise of the Fate and tattooed it into their mongoloid minds. While the sound is kinda cool, it’s very thin and weak compared to that of the Fate. Considering all this, there’s no fucking edge. These guys wouldn’t have an edge if they collected portrait frames.

I think the singer is able to sing high notes because he’s an eunuch. The guy doesn’t seem to even need to do falsettos since he has enough ball-lessness to sing his high notes. How would you expect die hard Mercyful Fate fans to give a shit about you if you’re just a cheap imitation? Ever heard of the phrase “accept no imitations”? Lots of wise-minded people have this chiselled into their brains. Mercyful Fate had a lasting impact on people since the 80’s, or maybe even earlier than that. Portrait’s impact is nil. Less than a feather falling to the ground.

People look at Mercyful Fate and say things like “this band fucking rules”, “they changed my life” and “I had a sex change just so I could feel better about lusting after them”. Then they’ll look at Portrait and say things like “wow, these guys ripped off Mercyful Fate, what a bunch of wankers”.

Skilled they may be, but why settle for second best? Grow some balls and a personality and then we’ll talk, fuckers.

2 x 100 Mercyful Fate clones too many out of 10.

• Information
• Released: 2008
• Label: Iron Kodex
• Website: http://portrait.webb.se
• Band
• Philip Svennefelt: vocals and ball-lessness
• Christian Lindell: guitar
• Richard Lagergren: guitar
• David Stranderud: bass
• Anders Persson: drums

• Tracklist
• 01. Hell
• 02. A Ghastly Silence
• 03. Village of the Fallen Angel
• 04. Consecration
• 05. A Thousand Nightmares
• 06. Bow unto the Devil
• 07. Beware the Demons
• 08. The Adversary

Reviews