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Reviews
Satanic Warmaster: Carelian satanist madness
20/11/07 || Global Domination
This review was written by ex-staffer/cocksmoker Desolator.
It is said that no band deserves a score like a 1, a 2 or a 3. All bands deserve some merits because of the enormous amount of effort and hard work they have put into their art. All bands deserve a place in your wallet because of their dedication to what they do.
If you agreed with my sarcasm-saturated paragraph above, then you haven’t heard Satanic Warmaster’s “efforts” and “music” yet. This album at one stage got to spend a night in my wallet, but it abused such a privilege. It shat on my carpet (even after a year I still can’t get rid of the smell), refused to take off its shoes before coming inside and made numerous sexual advance attempts on my 5-year-old daughter (even though I don’t have one). I kicked it out on its badly composed and poorly written ass. In other words, it was a waste of money that I ended up selling.
Why did I even buy this shit? I thought it seemed cool, so I played the “lucky dip” game. I thought “Carelian Satanist Madness” seemed like a dark and evil rocker of an album, but the only way it “rocked” was by being less interesting than a rock. Not to mention it’s as weak and untight as gravel. To this day, I never judge albums by their covers before buying them.
As much as I like some messy composition, this album is one example of how it just doesn’t work. You could say that this “Werwolf” guy put a lot of effort and money into “Careless Satanist Sadness”, but who cares? Sometimes it takes a lot of effort for someone to take a shit and it costs money to flush the dunny (a very Australian word, by the way) and buy toilet paper. But I don’t see those poor souls getting a record deal.
Satanic Warmaster is also very far from creative. I’ve taken shits that are more creative than this album. I’d better make that the last fecal reference (including the reference to the references) before this review turns into a proctology report.
Finally, what’s with the “Werwolf” moniker? Wait, I get it. He thinks that taking out one of the “e”s will bolster his tr00 street cred. Little did he know that the word “evil” starts with the letter e, so he’s only half as evil as the werewolf he wants to be when he grows up. And as a matter of fact, the werewolf he thought he could be has the bestial power of a Chihuahua.
1 undeveloped and failed werewolf out of 10.
- Information
- Released: 2005
- Label: No Colours
- Website: http://werewolf.blackmetal.fi
- Band
- Satanic Tyrant Werwolf: all instruments and vocals
- Tracklist
- 01. The Vampiric Tyrant
- 02. Carelian Satanist Madness
- 03. True Blackness
- 04. My Dreams Of 8
- 05. Eaten By Rats
- 06. 666
- 07. My Kingdom Of Darkness
- 08. Blessed Be, The Grim Art!