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Reviews

WakeUpCall: Wakeupcall

27/04/11  ||  sly

FUCK.

You’re gonna need a few shots of vodka to get through this one. I know I did.

I am going to begin by saying that I am unsure as to why these little pricks decided to send their EP to Global Domination. I am forced to assume they only explored the site long enough to obtain poor, unfortunate Lord K’s mailing address. Otherwise, they surely would have seen the words, “Much welcome to the only metal site you need”. They key word here being metal.

Metal!

Not fucking emo.

Let me assure my beloved readers that there is absolutely nothing even remotely metal about this wretched-excuse-of-a-band WakeUpCall. I have yet to come across a group who is less deserving of a mention on our grand site. Therefore, Dario, Matt, Olly, and Tommy: I congratulate you. You’re getting your review and you’ve ruined my day. Your one minor victory. A small, happy thought to keep you company whilst you sob your way through the rest of this review.

I’m not going to waste too much of my life convincing you that this is shit. And fortunately I don’t have to. All you really need to know is that their listed influences are: Shinedown, Foo Fighters, Aerosmith, Nickelback, Goo Goo Dolls, Guns n Roses, BonJovi, AlterBridge, Green Day, Meat Loaf, My Chemical Romance, 30 Seconds To Mars. No exaggeration, folks; this is directly copied and pasted from their MySpace.

WHO THE FUCK IS INFLUENCED BY NICKELBACK?!? Influenced to jump off the edge of the fucking Grand Canyon, maybe.

So, after regurgitating my breakfast during the first two tracks, then laughing (crying) my way through their music video (no, really, watch it- it’s ridiculous), I began to realize what I was up against. Not knowing very much about the whole modern-day emo movement (other than praying nightly for a complete emo-kid genocide) I did a search for “Top ten emo bands”. I came up with this:

My Chemical Romance
30 Seconds to Mars
Paramore
Hawthorne Heights
Black Veil Brides
Dashboard Confessional
Escape the Fate
Death Cab For Cutie
Fall Out Boy
Jimmy Eat World

(I apologize if your eyes are now bleeding for having to read these wretched names)

Being previously aware of exactly half of this list, I can already tell you that every one of these cumfarters have done precisely what WakeUpCall are doing, only 212% better.

There is not a trace of original material, none of them are especially talented, and I can detect only one shade- slightly brownish.

I shall conclude with a personal note to the little girls in this band: If you really, truly want to spend your life in the creation of music, at least try to bring something new to the table. You will never, ever be remembered for looking like a cheap, pathetic copy of Gerard Way (who is already a cheap copy of Billie Joe Armstrong). Here’s a wake-up call for you: the only people who think your music is cool is you and a handful of underage, bleach-haired trollops. So fuck off.

1

(And no point in rejoicing over a 1. If I had it my way, I’d give y’all a -8)

  • Information
  • Released: 2011
  • Label: Unsigned
  • Website: WakeUpCall MySpace
  • Band
  • Tommy: vocals
  • Olly: guitar
  • Dario: bass
  • Matt: drums
  • Tracklist
  • 01. Revolution (about as revolutionary as Lady Gaga)
  • 02. The Devil’s Round (Satan will piss in your face)
  • 03. Before I Fall (into a pile of dog shit)
  • 04. Here to Stay (please don’t)
  • 05. Full of Regrets (that your fathers didn’t pull out)