Introduction by Global Domination
17/05/11 || Global Domination
What the fuck is this then? Well… Since labels and bands think we are Teh Shit (and rightfully so) they send us fucken piles and piles of albums to review. Most of them suck the cocks of goats, hence why we won’t spend our valuable time giving them a 16-paragraph review since they don’t deserve it. That’s why the STUBS section was created. Here you will get short reviews for a lot of crap, with the, perhaps, occasional decent offering included. Just look at the score and you’ll figure it all out.
In February 2014 we improved this section, meaning at times a few of us will deal with a bunch of albums in one larger review bundle. Yeah, it kinda looks like Audio Autopsy, only it is not. It’s called S(crap)s when we deal with it like that. Magic, huh? If your album ended up in here in any way, shape or form – you most likely suck it. Live with it. You should be happy we have decided to cover your shit band at all.
11/03/14 || Global Domination
Domains: Sinister ceremonies
Lord K: Sloppy’n‘tr00 blackened death metal that has its moments. It also has a shitty production. 5
Ironpants: Wow! Sloppy performance, but these dudes have some cool riffs going on. A better production and maybe a click-track for the drummer and it would’ve been awesome. 6
Cobal: Fascinating things, onomatopoeias. Chaaaaaan chan chan chan chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! I approve. 6
Habakuk: Nothing you haven’t heard before, but if it keeps the guys off the streets…? 6
sincan: Dark’n‘dirty death metal, just as it should be. Perfect production. 7
Dope Out: Bad seeds
Lord K: Seems like every rock band in the world finally found out about GD and decided to send us their shit. Get a fucken grip, idiots. 3
Ironpants: Tune in, turn on, dope out, bye bye! 3
Cobal: Probably their greatest moment is when they resemble a lamer version of Marilyn Manson, and even he would be ashamed. A bit. 2
Habakuk: Not bad at all, honestly. Still it would be even better if I was into unobtrusive, soft semi-punk rock more. 5
sincan: Dope out, penis in. 2
Lord K: Too much for too long for no good reason whatsoever. 2
Ironpants: 2 discs (almost 2 hours) of Russian progressive/ambient black metal? That’s value for you right there if you are into that kind of stuff. I am not. 4
Cobal: It’s true it’s too long. I’m so into it. 7
Habakuk: Fuck double discs. 3
sincan: If you’re on to something decent, don’t make it into a double disc album. 5
In My Shiver: Delicate poison
Lord K: It’s giving me the shivers. BOOM! 3
Ironpants: What’s going on here? Depressive rock with black metal vocals. Not my cup of semen, but I guess it isn’t that bad? 5
Cobal: I would have appreciated a heavier approach. Not that bad indeed. 5
Habakuk: Why am I listening to this again? Oh, because I have to. 2
sincan: I could hear a great riff or two, but overall a bit dull. The clean vocals sounds like someone being a little too drunk (and also too young?). 4
Magoa: Topsy torvydom
Lord K: Just… wow. Again: Just… WOW! We’re entering new lows by the minute around here. The goo in the moniker make sense. 2
Ironpants: Well fuck me with a wire brush… in the dickhole. From the bottom of my cock , please disband! 2
Cobal: Get rid of the vocals and you could call it even with the dopes above. Wasn’t this in fact recorded with an iPad, Sincan? 1
Habakuk: This screams puberty. 4
sincan: Wow, the singer must be really mad since he didn’t get the new iPad. The amount of short hair and eyeliner must be illegal in this one. 1
09/03/14 || Cobal
Playing industrial/electronic stuff (Ministry, Fear Factory, etc.) and imprinting your metal with a bunch of electronics ain’t necessarily the same ballpark. Having said that, “Starlit flame” rather falls into the second category.
So how about writing a bunch of different songs ranging from Gothenburg-inspired to nu metal stuff all with a futuristic approach? This is probably a remote reference, but track 1 definitely sent me to one of the most obscure and underrated Swedeath albums ever. And yes, the result is rather fun. On the other hand, I liked Coraxo’s version of “Refuse, resist” much better than the original. Unfortunately, two songs don’t make an album, and not even en EP if it consists on 7 mostly meh tracks. Can’t blame them for trying: Patience is a bitch to get. Maybe we’ll get some other nice cover in the future.
3/10: Electronic death metal my ass.
07/03/14 || Global Domination
Lord K: Could be worse. It could be Avenged Sevenfold. 4
Ironpants: 118 what? How many times I thought of turning off this record? The singer is apparently a famous actor in Poland? Well don’t quit your day-job bro! 2
Habakuk: I just don’t see myself listening to 13 tracks of this, even though I can’t find much wrong with it. Weird, huh. Could run in the background forever, though! 5
Pr0nogo: Is that you, Blink-182? 2
sincan: Well, Foo Fighters vs Mustasch vs Pearl Jam and some life enjoyment in that mix. Guess it would work just fine on the radio, for boring people. 4
Lord K: Sure, it sounds old-school death/black metallish thanx to the production, but that won’t help the very uninteresting end result. Old old school is better. 4
Ironpants: The best album in this batch of stuff sent in. Swedish death metal with a production that could have been better. 6
Habakuk: Martin van Drunen band plays metal without Martin van Drunen. 6
Pr0nogo: The resurgence of classic Swedish death metal hasn’t been overlooked, with acts like Tormention and Entrails releasing powerful albums very recently. These guys, though… They’re nothing special. 5
sincan: It is pretty heavy and easy to crack skulls to, I appreciate the little “darker” sound compared to many others in the genre. 7
Lord K: I know you guys are shitting me. Guys…? Aren’t you shitting me? Guys?! Oh, there’s a chick in there too. And she sucks. Fuck off. 2
Ironpants: Hogbitch? Really? I kinda liked the music a bit, but… dat voice, it feels like poking a hot needle through the eardrum. 3
Habakuk: Maybe, if they changed that girl for someone with a less irritating voice. Just maybe. 5
Pr0nogo: Is it stoner metal? Is it psychedelic rock? Is it shoegaze post-crust hardcore punk? Who cares?! It fucking sucks! 3
sincan: Not even once. Well, yes once, since I had to create an opinion. 2
Impure Wilhelmina: Black honey
Lord K: Pointer: never send us a single song again. 3
Ironpants: Reminder: Buy soap for Wilhelmina, she’s dirty. 3
Habakuk: Insider tip: rename your band. 4
Pr0nogo: With a strange moniker and a stranger sound, Impure Wilhelmina is a rather generic mix of slow-paced groove, over-processed guitar noises, and nasal cleans. Not my cup of tea, but if it were, I’d hang myself. 3
sincan: Not as bad as my fellow co-writers says, but I would enjoy some dirtier guitars. It’s like hipster black metal went Morrissey. 6
Lord K: It’s obvious that the Internet made it possible for every shitty fucken human being out there to record and release music. Tough-guy metal without the “tough”. 3
Ironpants: The riffs and sections that are more thrashy is quite OK, but please, exchange both singers, or singer. I don’t know, it could be the same dude? 4
Habakuk: A bit over-processed and interspersed with clean vocals. Just what metal needed right now. 5
Pr0nogo: Generic chug-driven metal with a mix of gang vocals and monotone growls. With no attempt at melody and no attempt at individuality, I gave little attempt to my listen. 3
sincan: Don’t I just love “hurburrdurrwooooouh” vocals with clean choruses? Nope. 2
Turbo: The fifth element
Lord K: I don’t know… Are we still stuck in the 80’s? 3
Ironpants: This band has released 13 albums in total? Well, that’s a fucken large back catalog I will spend absolutely zero minutes going through. 4
Habakuk: “Turbo” is a shit album and “The fifth element” a shit film. Way to you create a positive surprise, ladies and gentlemen! 7
Pr0nogo: For those teenagers in the crowd who haven’t even heard of the Polish ‘thrash’ band Turbo, you aren’t missing much at all. This is the only album I’ve ever said ‘Aw, shucks!’ to – that’s how corny it is. 4
sincan: This is PURE FUCKING decent. 5
26/02/14 || Global Domination
Desdinova: Defying gravity
sly: The French version of your local, generic “thrash” metal band influenced by Metallica, Iced Earth, and bad Testament with a douchey Guillaume Hetfield on vocals. Defying originality. 3
Lord K: Whoever decided to bring this vocalist in on top of extremely weak half-thrash metal should be slapped silly. With a limp dick. 3
Nation Despair: Only embers left
sly: Competent Finnish melodic death metal by 19-year-olds for 19-year-olds. 6.5
Lord K: Not hysterically bad by any means, and with some more years in the rehearsal room they might even start to sound more than just decent. 5
Panychida: Grief for an idol
sly: Pompous Czech Norwegian-sounding black metal that ranges from grandiose and epic to downright cheesy and risible. Just one question: why the synthesized bagpipes? 5
Lord K: I promise that I will call you all when I start to give a shit about fairly uninteresting, synthesized semi-blackish metal. With bagpipes. 4
23/02/14 || sincan
Trick Swagger: Yo waddup Sincan!
Sincan: Lo… and yo?
Trick Swagger: have you heard the new The Negation album, no sorry! I meant Azziard. It rocks and shit man! Or whatever shit terms you use bro.
Sincan: Haven’t heard about Azziard at all. But I’m stoked, you recommended some killer shit last time.
Trick Swagger: Pick it up man, you have to!
Sincan: Will do, I guess I can’t deny you on this one.
Trick Swagger: I’m gonna pick up some bitches now, c u!
Sincan: Say hi to your mom then.
Oh, and the music? It’s well executed black metal with a rather clean production but leaves you with a rather “meh” feeling afterwards. It reminds me of all these Eastern European blackened extreme metal bands, and it mostly sound like another day at the office, kind of. (You think that I’m lazy since I more or less copied an old review of mine? Well, it is more or less the same members in both bands and I still feel like “meh”.)
6.5/10: French hot dogs.
21/02/14 || Ironpants
Yep, another death metal band with that notorious sound. How long can we take this? Well, I have no problem with it as long as the band knows what they are doing. Well do they? A little bit, The Dead Goats really do sound like any other band from the swamp of Swedeath, and they actually get away with it. They have a little rougher, punkier attitude with a good dose of attitude which keeps the interest up a little longer, and I am quite OK with that it is an EP with only six tracks.
These Polish dudes have the attitude with them and they will surely gather some followers as they are playing all those safe cards that you need to win the game. But I need something more than this really, and if they want to impress me they have to invent something more than firing up the old copy machine. Still, if old school Swedeath is all you listen to, this EP will fit nicely with all your other records that you already own and are getting a hard time to storage before it gets ludicrous.
5/10: Pretty good effort, but you have to freshen up your ideas a little more.
19/02/14 || sincan
Wow. Just wow. You sent this one to GD? Any publicity is good publicity or what? Well, don’t expect any brutal stuff here.
This album sounds like a rainy large city, or like a movie soundtrack. Some classic rock from the nineties, some industry rock and, some indie pop and whatnot is mixed into this lonely soldier. Take the opener for example, which is one of the strongest tracks, I guess. Tons of cute and sugar are added in this one. It’s actually hard to hate it or maybe I’m growing soft. Then we have the Pain light single with a pretty nice and memorable chorus, whereas other parts on it is not as good. But the album as a whole has some really annoying and boring tracks as well.
5/10: I don’t even play the umbrella.
15/02/14 || Ironpants
“Bark at the moon”
Bölzer is a Swiss black/death metal duo who has released a 3-tracker with original music that totally grabbed me by the balls from note one. I seldom go apeshit over black metal releases, but once in a while I just have to give in for quality stuff. Inquisition’s latest release was one of them, and this isn’t very unlike them in a way. Very organic music with a big focus on riffs that talks to your primordial inner instincts. The guitars speaks to your soul with notes written in genetic code, like in some ancient language lingering in your subconsciousness, dwelling, lurking and waiting to be evoked once again when the time is right. That time is now, so prepare for the bolt of dark lightning that is about to strike you (Bölzer literally means: powerful force, force of chaos, chaotic strike).
Three tracks with atmospheric, chanting riffing, wolf howls and almost shaman-like drums that builds up a hype for a full length album, that I hope will come our way very soon. Keep an eye (or both) on this duo! I’m not lying. Check out their Bandcamp site here. …that “Entranced By The Wolfshook” tune is fucken fantastic.
9/10: Prepare to be struck by the bolt of dark lightning.
13/02/14 || Cobal
So you like black metal, uh? Are shoegaze, post-rock, ambient, depressive, symphonic, melodic and whatnot the usual dressings you have it served with? You like your metal sophisticated? Back off then! This one man project’s all about one thing and one thing only: primitive black metal of the furious type, a form that I believed long extinct. Except, the time of legends is long past, that’s for sure. So, what’s this pseudo-multi-intrumentalist aiming for anyway? Playing the fucken genre he feels more deeply about, just that. And that’s exactly what
blackmetal is all about: not giving a shit about what others believe and just doing your own thing, uh? Now, do I like it? You can bet your ass I do. Will you like it? That depends: Is Wolves in the Throne Room you’re idea of archetypical black metal?
6/10: Approved is this shit.
11/02/14 || Ironpants
“Prog that shit!!”
This is Tungsten’s debut and it is a self financed release. You know that Global Domination works with the rule that everything that is sent to us gets reviewed, right? Well, that is good in a way, but also bad sometimes. If it is a really crappy album, you can make up some fun shit, or if it is really good the review kinda writes itself. This is neither.
Tungsten plays a kind of half-progressive metal/hard rock with a large dose of classic metal tapped from the veins of early prog bands. There is nothing going on here in either direction. Good, proper hard rock with some twists that makes it a little bit more interesting than inspecting your navel for lint…well, not really when I think about it. There is nothing wrong with anything here, except that it is totally uninteresting and fail to grab me or even pinch me. I don’t even feel like being mean or even nice, this album is like when my medicine is working. Everything is normal and I feel indifferent.
4/10 Oh, so you have released an album you say? How (un)interesting.