Lists of Domination
GD's Top 10 Ugliest Guys In Metal
26/06/09 || Global Domination
Introduction by Daemonomania: Hello all and welcome to another installment of Global Domination’s Top 10 lists. As before, please feel free to disagree with our picks, but don’t be surprised if you experience an odd sensation not unlike a fist forcing its way into your rectum upon doing so.
This month’s list concerns the top ten most hideous dudes ever to grace the stage of metal music. While we’d all love it if every musician looked like hunky Brett Michaels, the sad truth is that our favorite genre produces some of the fugliest individuals to survive a tenth-trimester abortion. Of course, we mean that out of pure love – we’d NEVER say that a person was repulsive AND their music sucked, would we?
10. Steve Grimmett – Grim Reaper
English dudes are not known for being pretty people. I mean, we have more than two of them on this list alone. Grim Reaper wasn’t exactly drop your pants awesome, and Steve didn’t have the right stuff to make the people salivate like David Coverdale. He looks like Meatloaf and Winston Churchill (with more emphasis on the latter), two other ugly dudes. I’m pretty poor with math, but don’t three negatives still make a negative?
( – )English x ( – )Winston Churchill x ( – )Meatloaf = ( – )One ugly man.
9. Dave Murray – Iron Maiden
So I guess it would be appropriate to, judging by his looks alone, describe Dave Murray as Steve Grimmet’s well-mannered twin, or alter ego. The Sméagol to Grimmet’s Gollum if you will. However, as you can see, this doesn’t exactly work in poor Dave’s favour. I guess you can get away with a lot of staggeringly hideous ugliness if you at least manage to get a little evil into your looks, but if you look as genuinely fucking non-threatening as Poodle Murray here, you suddenly start pulverizing competition such as Nicko McBrain or any other goddamned member of Iron Maiden. Contemplate that for a sec, this guy is actually the worst looking guy in what may be one of the worst looking bands in what is arguably the worst looking musical genre on the planet… Ho-ly shit!
8. Shane Embury – Napalm Death
Shane Embury is an ugly dude in a band filled with ugly dudes. Apparently, being a veteran of a pioneering grind group, along with 850 other sideprojects, doesn’t do much for your appearance. Is he a cool guy? Without a doubt. Did he fall from the ugly tree, striking every branch on the way down, only to be assaulted with the ugly stick by the members of the Ugalee tribe when he hit bottom? Oh yes indeed. Though it seems cruel, let’s analyze what we’ve got going on here. First and foremost there’s the Sideshow Bob hairdo. Balding in the middle. Rough. Combine that with some droopy eyes, a rotund figure, and an on-again-off-again goatee. And you’ve got yourself Number 8. Basically Shane’s quite lucky to be married, and his wife probably imagines Steven Seagal (current) during their lovemaking.
7. Vrangsinn – Carpathian Forest
No amount of corpse paint can reduce the amount of ugly on this guy, though that’s probably not why he’s wearing make up anyway. The well-respected (?) black metal sumo-wrestler Vrangsinn lives up to his name (translates to “sick mind”), at least during live shows. A 666-pound sweaty rockmonster, nude, except for a set of fake boobies covering his own, flailing away at the instrument by his crotch. No, not his balls, his banjo! Huh? A bass? Come on, that can’t be a… oh. I wonder what a banjo would look like in front of the Norseman’s world wide… hm. Or I’d rather not. I suggest you don’t, either.
6. Ronnie James Dio
Certainly you’ve seen this face at one point in the past three decades. If not, I suggest you go castrate yourself with some dental floss and a rubber spoon. Lately he has been looking pretty crusty, and certainly not someone you’d drop your pants and orient yourself towards taking the manhood for. You know, you could probably shave off the hair on the top of his head, leave the sides, and he’d look awfully similar to the Crypt Keeper. But man can he sing. Doesn’t stop him from being a supremely ugly man, as evidenced by this photo. He won’t get the top spot since he is a million years older than others on the list and therefore absolved of some of his uglier features… but still.
5. Lemmy Kilmister – Motörhead
As foul as those dirty warts on his face may be, as booze and drug riddled as his internal organs probably are, and as burnt out as his septum definitely is, Lemmy is cooler and more attractive than YOU. How can you tell? Well, estimates place the number of chicks he has banged at somewhere between 1,200 and 2,000. YOU, on the other hand, have banged 1 rented tranny with the lights off so that you could pretend it was a full-on female. Indeed Lemmy gives all of us dejected and rejected metalheads a bright ray of hope. If a man this repellent can become a legend of sperm-dispersal on par with Genghis Khan simply by picking up a bass, maybe there’s a chance that we too will someday reproduce. Ugly you may be, Mr. Kilmister, but the pure power of rock and roll destroys that insubstantial barrier between attraction and repulsion. Oh, and I was living a lie concerning Lemmy until recently. I believed the rumor that he had his warts removed and sold them on eBay. While that tale is false, the stories that his warts detach themselves at night and wander the darkened streets of Liverpool in search of human blood is nothin’ but fact.
4. Devin Townsend
Hevy Devy’s certainly made some interesting (read: deranged) metal in his time, but forget that right now; just marvel at how ugly he is! Devin looks like if someone took the reverse-fossilization machine from “Futurama” (the one that they used to make Bender human, remember?), hooked the Crypt keeper up to it, and he was the result of that process (either that, or the insane uncle you have that never gets invited to Thanksgivings bumbled his way into a metal band somehow). That ragged little beard, the raving mad look in his eyes, the mismatched, carnivorous-inclined chompers, the crazy face poses, that stringy, puke-yellow and brown hair, and (of course) the skullet, the only hairstyle that looks like the end product of a freak lawnmower accident. It all adds up to one dude more than deserving of a place on our humble little list, and the constant donning of tanktops despite his very unspectacular physique doesn’t help things out any either…
3. The brothers of Nifelheim
There are ugly metal musicians, and then there’s ugly metal bands. Enter Swedish black metal heroes Nifelheim. Now you’d pretty much expect devil worshipers of this magnitude to have quite some grim looking prospects as far as divine retribution goes. Well, as this very list has told us thus far, the gift of attractiveness does not smile on the blasphemous, and few people suffer as badly from being on the wrong side of the wrath of God as Pelle and Erik Gustavsson. Seriously, look at the guys. Combining the skeeziest motherfucking mustaches you did ever see with hairdos that make Shane Embury look like a goddamn Rogaine-advert, and coupling these with their visages of lethargy/mindless fucking hatred and you get two brothers looking so incredibly pedo that they aren’t even allowed to look at their own childhood photographs.
2. Timo Tolkki – Revolution Renaissance
Suomi’s very own king of cheese, aka power metal, is not a dude I would have fucked had I been gay(er). I’d do him if he promised to never make an album ever again – hell, I’d even lick his ass for that to happen – but I’m afraid one has to kill him before he quit making anymore of that hideous music. But beware, for he is the resurrection of Christ, all according to himself of course, so if you decide to finish him off there’s a fat chance he’ll come back after 3 days to stalk your mancunt. No kidding, rumor has it that the picture attached to this shit piece is taken just after he finished eating the asshole of the last individual who shot him in the face.
1. Dino Cazares – Divine Heresy/Fear Factory
With a first name like Dino, this guy’s just asking for some ridicule, but if one thing has earned Cazares some respect (and made him harder to make fun of here), it’s those fingers; this guy produced some awesome riffage as Fear Factory’s guitarist back in the day. Too bad the man is so damn big; I mean, just look at that pic! Dino is the living definition of “lumpy”, and it was always kind of amusing (just kind of, since he was giving us the awesome riffs) to watch him lumber around on stage with the other, skinnier members of FF, and do the bend over/stand straight again, hunched-down kind of headbangs. It was pretty much impossible to ignore how awkward he looked while playing live, and I’ve never really seen him look any lighter either; it’s like he’s in a state of permanent near-obesity (and if that’s true, I’d hate to see what his baby pics look like; I imagine something sort of like the pic of him with the dog…). I haven’t been interested at all in the other bands Dino has worked with, but maybe his recent reunion with Fear Factory will produce something good later on, and make me happy to see that chunky, lovable oaf on stage again.